Still Thinking......

It can be so hard to face those things hiding in the darkest places of my heart......but once I do......what a feeling of release! To face feelings of shame and humiliation, of embarrassment, of grief......to take possession of them and examine them for what they really are. Yes, I made poor choices.....but as someone dear to me said, we all do..........I just don't have to beat myself up about it on a daily basis........learn from them and move on. So I find myself learning lots of life lessons lately......some more unpleasant than others. And I try to grow beyond that point......to take hold of that piece of myself and put it back into the proper place. I like finding the real me.....celebrate that discovery.....relish the knowledge that I am strong....and creative....and have lots to offer.....and am interesting......all things I thought were gone from my life. One day, I will be whole again.

Just thinking...

I'm alone if only briefly and it feels great. I'm going through a weepy kind of phase I think....the tears just begin with no real provocation....sometimes I'm not even conscious of the fact I'm crying! How bizarre is that? But I think, just maybe, it is because there is so much hidden pain.....and one soul can only deal with so much before there has to be a release. Could that be possible?
Right now....I want to be in a place where no one knows me......a newcomer.....a new life with endless possibilities. Can that happen for me? I don't know....but I can dream, can't I?

what to do..

Most people look forward to the weekend with great anticipation as I once did. Now I see the weekend as two days of more intense scrutiny and a "chaperone" with me at every step. There are times when I long for the time when I was alone most of the time. Of course I felt the occasional twinge of loneliness however, I definitely prefer that to the hell I live through now. Sometimes it is so bad I feel that my very thoughts are being read and twisted to suit some nefarious campaign.
I don't do what I want to do because then I'm accused of some ulterior motive. At times I am forced to spend my whole weekend sequestered in the bedroom except for the times I'm doing laundry or cooking a meal. It is that or have to answer question after question about why I am the way I am and why I can't be happy with the way things have always been........Because that is NOT me!! Why am I not good enough? Why must I change and not the situation?
If I hear that I am going through a midlife crisis one more time I may just start screaming and never stop!!!!