The First Step

I've been on a journey for several years now. My path has been rife with choices, decisions, discoveries, about myself, about those around me. For a long while I was content to let others choose for me. It was easier that way and the boat rocked less and I could watch the scenery without worrying about getting off the path. But then I began to catch glimpses of things off the path.....things I wanted to examine more closely.......places I wanted to see and experience.......people to learn from. But those who had chosen for me had already mapped out the course I must take......it would cause them inconvenience........if I loved them I would do what they knew would be right for me......for them. And then I looked back......down the path I'd taken and I saw what a distance I'd come.......and beside the path I saw broken dreams scattered as if by trampling feet.......I saw desires shriveled and covered with cobwebs of neglect.....and a gnawing hurt began in my soul and spread through my body....who would have treated someones dreams and desires so callously and for what reason? I stopped to question and was told those had been my dreams, my desires.......choices which would not have fit in with the course others thought best and so had been jettisoned to make room for the future others had planned for me. You know we love you so trust us to take care of you!........I retreated to a dark and lonely place within myself to ponder these things.......were the others right? Were those choices best for me? If so......why did I feel no hope, no joy........Then came the voice as if from a great distance........"you have only one life.....live it to the fullest......find your happiness."



What happened then? Why I stepped off the path! I began moving toward that voice and when I did small cracks began forming in the wall I had unknowingly built around my heart.....and the further I moved off the chosen path larger cracks began allowing feelings in.......new thoughts emerged....as I examined ideas and possibilities chunks of the wall began tumbling off and I began feeling an energy building........I turned to share this with those who had always chosen for me and saw on their faces anger, disappointment, fear, sadness.......how can you do this to us?



If you loved me you would want my happiness I thought. I'm glad I took that first step toward my happiness and fulfilment.



Today I took another step......into a dark and somewhat scary tunnel through a mountain.....but I see a light at the other end and as long as I focus on that light........I'll get through the scary bits and come out into a whole new life.

Still Thinking......

It can be so hard to face those things hiding in the darkest places of my heart......but once I do......what a feeling of release! To face feelings of shame and humiliation, of embarrassment, of grief......to take possession of them and examine them for what they really are. Yes, I made poor choices.....but as someone dear to me said, we all do..........I just don't have to beat myself up about it on a daily basis........learn from them and move on. So I find myself learning lots of life lessons lately......some more unpleasant than others. And I try to grow beyond that point......to take hold of that piece of myself and put it back into the proper place. I like finding the real me.....celebrate that discovery.....relish the knowledge that I am strong....and creative....and have lots to offer.....and am interesting......all things I thought were gone from my life. One day, I will be whole again.

Just thinking...

I'm alone if only briefly and it feels great. I'm going through a weepy kind of phase I think....the tears just begin with no real provocation....sometimes I'm not even conscious of the fact I'm crying! How bizarre is that? But I think, just maybe, it is because there is so much hidden pain.....and one soul can only deal with so much before there has to be a release. Could that be possible?
Right now....I want to be in a place where no one knows me......a newcomer.....a new life with endless possibilities. Can that happen for me? I don't know....but I can dream, can't I?

what to do..

Most people look forward to the weekend with great anticipation as I once did. Now I see the weekend as two days of more intense scrutiny and a "chaperone" with me at every step. There are times when I long for the time when I was alone most of the time. Of course I felt the occasional twinge of loneliness however, I definitely prefer that to the hell I live through now. Sometimes it is so bad I feel that my very thoughts are being read and twisted to suit some nefarious campaign.
I don't do what I want to do because then I'm accused of some ulterior motive. At times I am forced to spend my whole weekend sequestered in the bedroom except for the times I'm doing laundry or cooking a meal. It is that or have to answer question after question about why I am the way I am and why I can't be happy with the way things have always been........Because that is NOT me!! Why am I not good enough? Why must I change and not the situation?
If I hear that I am going through a midlife crisis one more time I may just start screaming and never stop!!!!

Freedom

I long for the day when I no longer have to watch every word I say......every expression which crosses my face.....to have the freedom to be who I want to be....to find and experience my happiness..my dreams. At this point in my life I still feel the burden of pleasing everyone around me....and suffer the consequences if I don't. I feel as though I am living two lives.....the one the world sees and the one which exists in my heart and mind.....the strain of keeping the two separate can be somewhat overwhelming at times. The knowledge that one day I will live the life I choose keeps me motivated....keeps me moving to the future.
There was a time in the not so distant past when I thought I would die before finding my dreams....my happiness....but now.....well, I've discovered a strength within to continue living and working toward my dreams. And if I have to endure a time period where my every move...every emotion...every word is suspect....so be it. Those who try to keep me subjugated and subservient will not be allowed to win.

Prompt #2: "I can see........."

I can see the house still, the way it appeared to the child I was. The wide shadowy porch, screened at one end and with a long, heavy white wooden swing at the other, held promises. Promises of rainy days spent watching rain water cascade from the gutters after thundering a rhythm on the tin roof. Promises of huddled conferences between the cousins over whether Dr. Crawford's son was really cute or just seemed that way because of his dancing blue eyes. Promises of swinging breathtakingly high with barefoot toes wiggling and squeals of excitement caught in our throats. Promises of daydreams waiting to be caught. All this on one wide, dusty, grey porch in a small hot Georgia town.
I sat and drank in the details of that big frame house on the corner. Thirty years of tenants moving in and out had wrought changes. It was inevitable. And yet...it was in that frame house on the corner my memories began. I began to appreciate life there. Some of my first recollections are of Christmases celebrated there.
When I got out of the car, the air felt heavy with a summer heat one can only find in the South. I heard laughter and saw the ghosts of my childhood dancing past as I stood on the cracked and buckled sidewalk directly in front of the house. It was hard not to laugh as I remembered learning how to roller skate on that same crumpled sidewalk before time and tree roots had creased its smoothness.

Writing Prompts

Here are the guidelines. Relax. Write, write, write. Don't worry about grammar, spelling, or self editing. Just let the words flow. Remember.....you aren't getting "graded" here.

Today's prompt: "I always felt safe......."

I always felt safe at night, snuggled in my narrow bed, as long as my feet didn't dangle over the edge of the bed. Everyone knows that long slithery black snakes are hiding under the bed just waiting to strike any bodily part that hangs over into their territory. And as long as my stuffed brown dog was draped over my neck.....so the vampires couldn't get to it. And my sheet was tucked around my head with just my nose sticking out.......because the zombie dolls can't see you if only your nose is showing. And I had said all the God blesses which needed to be said in order to protect all those I loved from any sort of tragedy. Yes, I think I was a safe well-adjusted and certainly fearless child.