Just had to share this.....one of the 6 year olds I work with just gave me the sweetest compliment. He said, in his oh so endearing southern drawl, "you know whut you are? yore a racoontour(raconteur). Know whut that is? A wunnerful storyteller!" When I asked how he knew that great big word...he informed me that he and his mom have a word of the day calendar and when he heard that, he told his mama that was me. Probably the best compliment ever!!

The post I published yesterday seems to have disappeared! Maybe I can recreate...bear with me.

Second chances are rarely given and even more rarely taken. Why not take the opportunity to choose another path, give love space to bloom and grow, to find and develop new strengths, refine and perfect old skills? From my perspective, I was caught in a prison made of bad choices and decisions. In my head was a constant litany of "you made the choice now live with the consequences....or take responsibility for your decisions....your happiness is not the point." The sad thing is I fell for it, bought it hook, line and sinker.

The life I lived became a pretense, an exercise in making everyone around me believe I was happy and doing fine. I did share my unhappiness, my distress, with the person I trusted the most because I felt he would do whatever needed to be done to help me find the peace and fulfilment, the understanding I needed. Promises were made and broken. I was assured things would change and being the trusting soul I was, believed. Only to have my trust broken time and again.

I came to the point where I saw ahead of me a long life of misery and lies, broken dreams, and further isolation. But then I was given a second chance.....and I actually recognized it for what it was. A chance to break the chain of misery I had wound around my heart and soul......I had made a few bad choices.....did that require me to punish myself for the rest of my life and give up any chance to reclaim the happiness and completeness which could have been? Absolutely not!

I took responsibility for wrong choices and have decided to move on. I'm finished beating myself up about choices made in the immaturity of my youth, or in the heat of anger and disappointment, or in the fog of depression. I stepped up and declared, "this is not what I wanted so I choose another path....a path that is my choice and no one else's." My path to happiness and fulfillment.

Starting over when one is just a pinch past middle age can be terrifying.....everything is new and different and unknown. But I think attitude and frame of mind have a lot to do with how it plays out. Another choice, live this new life as an adventure, an opportunity and oh the things you can learn or relearn about yourself.

Continued

Though second chances are rare, they do occur. How one might ask, does one recognize a second chance? For me it was by stepping free of the prison of self doubt I allowed to capture me. For years I listened to an inner litany of "I made this choice, this decision so I must live with the consequences, take responsibility." However, one day I was asked if a bad choice requires staying in a life long misery to atone for an unwise, immature decision?

And I had to say.....absolutely not! That being said, I accepted my responsibility and moved on past beating myself up about choices made in the immaturity of my youth, or in the heat of anger or disappointment, or in the fog of depression.

I stepped up and said, "this was not what I had in mind, not what I dreamed of, wanted." I chose a path to happiness and fulfilment. It is not an easy path by any means. Far easier to maintain the status quo than to work toward a life not half over but just beginning.

Second chances are rarely given and even more rarely taken. Why is it so hard to take the opportunity to choose another path? Is it because by doing so one admits the first choice was not the best nor the wisest nor the appropriate nor the right one? To step up and say, "that was stupid of me" indicates, acknowledges weakness when one wishes to be thought wise.

Why not choose another path, give one's self a chance to bloom and grow, find and develop new strengths, refine and perfect old skills? Because at just a pinch beyond middle age, going in a new and unknown direction can be overwhelming, terrifying. But if approached in the right frame of mind, a fresh start can be a wonderful adventure.

More later!

Reflections

In the mirror,
lookingback at me,
a mere reflection
of who I used to be.

Lean closer,
l ook deeper,
Past the tiny
wrinkles crinkling
the skin near my eyes.
Beyond the wiry strands
of silver mixed in
with the blonde,
Who is that?

Its the woman
I will be.

A woman empowered
by the thought
of independence,
A woman with an
untapped reservoir
of desires,
A woman willing to share
from a wellspring
of love,
A woman looking forward
with expectation.

Reaching back to memories
of past successes,
Drawing encouragement
from the girl who was me,
the one who with a smile
said to the world,
This is who I am!

Now, she's back,
the girl I was,
as a woman,
having survived the years,
the attempts
to keep her on another path,
in another role,
not suited to her spirit.

How freeing,
How liberating,
How downright exhilirating!
To be who I've
wanted to be
all along...

I'm walking with
attitude
into a future
I've chosen
and it feels
right.

Arriving at school earlier and earlier every day until I finally realized that for me, this is my safe place. Here my strengths have been acknowledged, encouraged, celebrated. My home, which should have been my refuge became a place where I felt myself demeaned and used, everything about me seen as a threat which needed to be subjugated beneath the demands of others.

At the school where I work, our students are encouraged to find the best within them and their successes are celebrated daily.....with smiles and hugs...sometimes a shiny smiling sticker or a brand new pencil. That spirit spills over to me and I feel my dreams blossoming.....gently coaxed into blooming. Here I can literally feel my strength, my will, my purpose, growing stronger day by day.

How many more like me?

The question which keeps circling my brain.....how many women find themselves in a situation similar to mine? I can't be the only one who after over 25 years of marriage finds herself beginning life over again because of divorce.....a divorce I chose, not one forced on me by a husband's midlife crisis. What a journey.....what an adventure it can be. Were it not for the support and encouragement of family, friends and friends like family I would be overwhelmed, overcome by all that lies ahead.
This topic definitely deserves more contemplation.

What Love Can Be

Everchanging yet constant,
encouraging, demanding,
needy, giving,
makes life worth living.

kisses, hugs,
tender caresses,
knowing smiles,
sharing wishes.

searching, knowing eyes,
hands entwined.
mingled breath,
a soul's completion marked by sighs.

love,
to be two
yet one.

Ordinary Day

No poetry at the moment....just a comment on my day so far. It is an average day.....I'm tired from a sleepless night. When my mind is on overdrive, restful sleep doesn't come...just bits and pieces of conversations, a line of a song, dialogue from a movie, decisions I need to make.....and when my day begins? I file it all away to be dealt with when my mind is clear.
Arriving at work I do not know how I will manage to keep it together....tears are near the surface.....but the cheerful greetings from children and coworkers give me strength....and I know I draw on that strength until mine is recharged.

Boxed

Empty boxes scavenged from
everywhere,
Piled randomly across
my path,
Hungrily awaiting the flotsam
and jetsam,
of an ended marriage.

Choices to make.

What goes with me into my new life?
What memories will help me grow?
Which are only souveniers
of sadness,
destined to bring that sorrow
into my future?

My choices.

Each one a step
Moving forward,
sliding back.

I choose to move forward,
not be dragged down
by memories made of lies.