Back In the Groove

My goodness what a week!  For me, going back to work was a mixed blessing.  The biggest issue was having so little energy and dealing with the physical restrictions so necessary after surgery.  Instead of going out to eat every day with coworkers, I went home and took a quick nap...had to in order to get through the day.  Don't know what I'll do next week when the students are back and my day begins with morning duty at 7:15 and doesn't stop until after 3:00! Deal with it the best way I can, right?

There were times during the week when I felt overwhelmed by everything and began to doubt my ability to deal with, well, my life and all that it encompasses. I was afraid that I won't have the energy to stay healthy.  Then I was afraid if I had to deal with health issues I would have to miss work....and because of severe fibromyalgia episodes last school year I have NO sick leave hence if I miss work...the pay is docked and so forth and so on. THEN, I began worrying about being able to pay bills.....and if I can't pay bills then where will I live....and the litany grew and grew and grew.....and all because of fear and doubt.

Amazingly enough I was reading a book in which the author referenced several verses.  And of course there was one which totally spoke to my state of mind.  God has a wonderful way of reaching us in many ways...as long as we are willing and eager to listen......doesn't He?  Anyway, this was the verse; "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." II Timothy 1:7

Reading those words reminded me that if I have fear, it is not from God.  And if it is not from God I don't want it nor do I have to hold on to it. Just like any other negative thoughts or attitudes which might intrude on my frame of mind, I have to turn it over to God.  Let Him calm my fear with His peace....let Him remind me that He is in control and will take care of me. Of course the issue for me is to be as close to God as possible.....that is my journey.

I have to be honest the journey is not easy.....it takes constant prayer.....makes the reading or meditating on Scripture the beginning point of every day.....and immersing myself in an attitude of total dependency on God's strength to get through the day.  And when I feel like I've failed God or myself.....it means  turning to God is imperative.  In the past when I felt that way I withdrew from God, pulling further away every day.  I don't want to be in THAT place ever again!

So what if this spiritual journey of mine is difficult?  It is leading me to an attitude "of power and of love and of a sound mind." I've always been told anything worth having you have to work for.....living my life in an attitude of peace and love is most definitely worth any difficulties I may face along the way. 

Love is without rhyme or reason. The emotions involved in "loving" wax and wain in intensity becoming painful then pleasurable each in turn. One person's concept of what love is can be so opposite of what another feels as to seem like a controlling torture. So I find myself wondering if my perception of the word, the emotion ....LOVE.....has validity. If my love, my loving, causes another pain or grief......then what? How do I balance my desires, my needs with the desires, needs of another?
Odd what thoughts consume me these days! Here I am at the end of a very, very lengthy marriage.......trying to find my place as a "single"......working to be independent financially, emotionally......to understand "independence" when it was never really encouraged in me.....and what I want to understand is how I could be so wrong in my perception of a loving relationship?

What Love Can Be

Everchanging yet constant,
encouraging, demanding,
needy, giving,
makes life worth living.

kisses, hugs,
tender caresses,
knowing smiles,
sharing wishes.

searching, knowing eyes,
hands entwined.
mingled breath,
a soul's completion marked by sighs.

love,
to be two
yet one.