Five Lessons

Wasn't sure whether to share this or not but thought, "why not? you've shared everything else?" So here goes.....

Several weeks ago I ventured out into the world of  "dating" for the first time since my divorce....thought I was ready...so accepted an invitation for coffee and a walk in the park.  It was nice. Several "dates" later......poof.....over.  I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt....perhaps more than I anticipated.

But I learned some things in the process.....1) the dating game is perhaps more difficult at my current age than it was when I was 15.....and it was no picnic then! 2) I found that I open my heart and trust too quickly which is 3) not wise!  As a result of past relationships, I thought I had my emotions and my feelings tightly locked away in a box with the key hidden in the dark recesses of my heart. Obviously not.

Then again...part of what makes me the person I am is the fact that I want to believe others are as accepting and loving and honest as I try to be. Locking away my heart isn't the answer...not really. Yes, it will keep hurt at bay but at the same time, it shuts out the possibilities of good things happening. Lesson 4) hurt and disappointment often walk hand in hand with love and caring. Doesn't seem I can have one without the other....so I have to choose whether the pain is worth it.

Now, the most important lesson I learned was 5) God is by my side through all situations.....even "dating." Who do you suppose held me as I wept my way through the feelings of rejection, hurt and disappointment? Yep....my God and Father.  Who whispered in my ear, "its going to be fine....I have a plan for you and this is just a bump in the road?" You got it......the God of Love and Grace. And in my tears I thanked Him again for that prayer warrior who called on Him to lift me out of darkness so many months ago. 

People aren't always what they seem......but I know from experience that God is and for me that is all that matters.

Silver Linings

So.....here it is another day.  The goal  for today is to find at least one good thing in this chaos I call my life.

  My daughter and I had a long overdue heart to heart.....that is my good thing today.  Though I think it may have only served to confirm that her mother is out of her fricking mind!

But at least she knows now that I am trying to come to terms with the fact I don't know who or what I am.. or even what my purpose is....that my self-doubts now have me paralyzed to the point I REALLY need guidance to make it through.  And she's willing to step in and help me through it.

I also realized today the only concept of "love" I know to be good and pure and honest is the love I have for my children.  That knowledge is concrete in my mind and perhaps is the cornerstone I need to use to begin building who I am supposed to be.

I can only hope......and maybe that is a good place to start...with hope. 

One Step at a Time

Made it through today with only one major panic attack which I forestalled somewhat with half a Xanax......progress for me. 

Trying to work through all the emotions while keeping a lid on the sudden flahes of anger and rage roaring  through my heart and mind is wearing me out.  Just taking one breath after another is tiring. 

Sleep alludes me...a xanax and an ambien equals two hours sleep before I wake to greet the dark thoughts which haunt me.  My own personal dragons....poor self-esteem, doubt, shame, worthlessness to name a few...rant and rale and hurl recriminations........."if only I'd been smarter....or prettier....or more intriguing....or had a better body"........you're not good enough, you're not good enough....on and on it goes.......

And in my weariness it is all too easy to believe.....

So I take one step......and drop one bright and shining thought into the lake of darkness I find myself drowning in......."you are caring"......the ripples move out growing and spreading......."you are nurturing"...more ripples......"you are giving".......as the ripples grow so does the light....pushing back the darkness at least for a while......

I seek peace as I contemplate the next step toward a new path.

Love is without rhyme or reason. The emotions involved in "loving" wax and wain in intensity becoming painful then pleasurable each in turn. One person's concept of what love is can be so opposite of what another feels as to seem like a controlling torture. So I find myself wondering if my perception of the word, the emotion ....LOVE.....has validity. If my love, my loving, causes another pain or grief......then what? How do I balance my desires, my needs with the desires, needs of another?
Odd what thoughts consume me these days! Here I am at the end of a very, very lengthy marriage.......trying to find my place as a "single"......working to be independent financially, emotionally......to understand "independence" when it was never really encouraged in me.....and what I want to understand is how I could be so wrong in my perception of a loving relationship?