Lessons from Sandy Hook

I've been sitting and watching all the news clips, reading the posts on FB, and weeping for all the lives lost at Sandy Hook School.  When I hear the diatribe from both sides of the gun control issue I am angered that they use this tragedy to espouse their views. This tragedy should teach us so much more.

For one thing, the teachers and staff at Sandy Hook School are representative of teachers and staff at schools all over the world.  When students enter the doors of schools, they have individuals waiting for them who take their responsibility to these children seriously.....it is not just a "job."  Children, yours and mine, are loved and cherished and protected with every ounce of a teacher's being. 

Yes, there are standards which must be taught.....and teachers work hard to see that 'standards' are met.......but along with that, they teach our children about responsibility, citizenship, honor, and as was made so evident in Sandy Hook, they teach our children about courage. And they do so by example.

So instead of focusing on an issue no one will ever agree on......let us focus on those things we can agree on.  Beautiful, innocent children were sacrificed by a mad man for reasons we will never really know or understand.  Teachers gave their lives to try and protect those children. So I say, let us try harder to remember to show our love to our children before we do anything else.......and let us remember also that your child's teacher may be called upon, Heaven forbid, to protect your child with their own life...and would do so willingly because though you may not understand why....we teachers love your children and want the very best for them.

So I sit here and weep....but each tear is a prayer for those we lost, a prayer for each child I come in contact with every day at work, a prayer that goodness will prevail over evil......and a hope that I will never forget to be an example of that goodness.

A Work in Progress

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7

Not many people know this, but I have trust issues.  I haven't always been this way but over time I've been lied to by people I cared about and whom I trusted. Those situations made me a bit leery of believing what I'm told....made me build walls around my heart.....turned me into a sort of loner. Frankly I don't know if I'm totally over that feeling.....but I'm trying.

"He cares for those who trust Him." Funny thing is....I have no trouble trusting God.  He has always been honest with me.......He doesn't hold back....He loves me unconditionally.  If there are any problems in my relationship with God, those issues have come from me.  And I am working on those daily.

I've been told that having no expectations is the way to avoid disappointment....and for a while I bought into that train of thought.  But I'm beginning to think that having expectations can lead to good things. For example, by treating my students with respect and courtesy I can "expect" them to know they are important to me. By keeping my word, I can "expect" people to know I am trustworthy.

When I pray, my expectation is that God hears me and responds. He has never disappointed me....the only time I experience disappointment is if I tell God how I think He should respond! God always listens and answers.....sometimes the answer is "wait." Or as He often has to remind me, "be still."

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble." I am living proof of that. Sometimes we forget that God is with us in good times as well....and yes, I'm working on living that way as well! Do you know what I've discovered about that mindset? If I am busy praising and thanking God for all the good I see around me, my attitude is better....it becomes easier to be hopeful....to be encouraging...to be helpful. In short, it becomes easier to trust God about everything.

So trusting in God is helping me open my heart again...to not be afraid of being hurt....to live life with hope. I trusted God to heal my heart....and He did.

A Time for Everything

Ah Saturday!  For some reason this week seemed like the longest first week of school ever!  It wasn't a bad week but rather a busy and full week.  Despite the physical strain on my still healing body, I thoroughly enjoyed myself....and can hardly wait for Monday!  I know...I sound mental but I truly love where I work, the people with whom I work and the children that I teach.  Although I haven't always appreciated and rejoiced in what a blessing this is.

Back in the Spring I had the opportunity to interview for a position in our school system which would have allowed me to teach in my actual field of certification which is English and Speech.  In fact, there were three positions for which I interviewed.  I was so excited because it isn't often that English teaching positions open up in our city system....I had the support and encouragement of my current principal and many friends and coworkers. Because I had been waiting for years for this opportunity to present itself and had prayed so specifically for a teaching job, I felt that God was saying, "here ya go...your dream job!"

My first interview went so well I just knew God had come through for me!  Then I was offered an interview for another English position.....and my thought was "oh my now I'm going to have to choose between the two jobs."  I know, I know.....how vain does that sound?  But really what I meant was "God is more than answering my prayers!"  I could hardly sleep for the week and a half it took for them to contact me about the first job.......which I did NOT get.  Of course I was dejected.....but hey there was the other job I'd interviewed for, right?

I didn't get that job either....and I cried for several days about that as well. And I questioned God.  Because of the spiritual and emotional desert I was in at that time, I couldn't understand what was wrong with me.....my self-esteem took a big hit and I really began to doubt myself and my abilities.

Then I got the call for another interview!  I was so excited and berated myself for ever doubting that God was going to give me a teaching job I not only wanted but really needed financially.  For those not in education, an instructional aide makes half of a teacher's pay regardless of the degrees one might possess.....and in our economy.....that does not go far!

As you might have already surmised...I didn't get that job either!  That third "rejection" left me foundering in a whirlpool of doubt, depression and fear about the future. It was coupled with a sense of failure in my personal relationships.....and an anxiety about my physical health.....in short, I was a hot mess caught in a downward spiral.  That descent continued until the prayerful intervention I wrote about in "Out of the Darkness."

Looking back I can see the hand of God in every event.....He was working for my good in every situation......it was my faith that was in question....and my desire to control my life, to think I knew what was best for me.  I'm learning to let go. I'm working hard to let God shine in all areas of my life.  When I worry about how I'm going to pay my bills each and every month....I remind myself that God has promised to take care of every need.  I turn that particular fear into a hopeful anticipation of seeing God make miracles happen!

Meanwhile, I have the joy of working with people who bless me every day with their friendship....with an administrator who encourages me in the work I want to do with our students....with children who continuously amaze me with their resilience and their desire to make our world a better place.  In Ecclesiastes 3:1 we read, "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven." Now is the time for me to be exactly where I am doing specifically what I am doing! Thank you God for showing me this truth!

Silver Linings

So.....here it is another day.  The goal  for today is to find at least one good thing in this chaos I call my life.

  My daughter and I had a long overdue heart to heart.....that is my good thing today.  Though I think it may have only served to confirm that her mother is out of her fricking mind!

But at least she knows now that I am trying to come to terms with the fact I don't know who or what I am.. or even what my purpose is....that my self-doubts now have me paralyzed to the point I REALLY need guidance to make it through.  And she's willing to step in and help me through it.

I also realized today the only concept of "love" I know to be good and pure and honest is the love I have for my children.  That knowledge is concrete in my mind and perhaps is the cornerstone I need to use to begin building who I am supposed to be.

I can only hope......and maybe that is a good place to start...with hope.