Changes

I've been away from the blog far too long and for that I apologize.  Changes affect people in different ways.....for me, as long as they don't come at me all at once I can assimilate and move on.  Otherwise, I am an emotional wreck and prefer to withdraw from everyone and everything...including my writing. Hence my absence.

As with many changes, these have been beyond my control and are all work related. Without going into detail, suffice it to say there have been lots of changes and they've all come at a machine gun pace....with more changes promised.  Morale among the staff is at an all time low and the demands on our time have grown.  Our focus has always been to meet the needs of our students academically with a lot of love and hugs thrown in.  It still is.

My biggest fear is that the stress and turmoil is wreaking havoc on my health and that I will eventually lose my job because of it. I am reminding myself moment by moment that no matter what happens, God is watching out for me. He is going to meet my needs....not wants, needs.  I have only to trust in His promise.

Some moments I want to rant and rave and shake my fist at the Heavens because fear of what may happen overtakes me. Then I remember, it is during times like these that miracles happen...and a sense of anticipation fills my heart and I think, "What is God going to do now?"

Rather than focusing on the negative emotions, I need to actively look for the bright moments, the silver linings, the tiny miracles.....all those instances which cause light to pierce the darkness I've pulled around myself.....my life is meant to be lived in love, understanding, peace, joy....all those emotions which bind us together rather than push us apart. Pray for me to have the strength to live that way daily.

Calming the Storm

What a week! Dealing with the possibility of a hurricane, tornado warnings, anxious students and mood swings I couldn't explain made for an irritable me!  I even had difficulty allowing God to take care of me...the old habit of trying to take care of everything myself crept in and took hold before I was even aware. It seemed that every time I tried to pray my mind would wander into areas of anxiety and instead of immediately turning them over to God, I focused on the "what ifs."

From experience I know the what-ifs can cause chaos in my spiritual life.  And they did.  For the first time in months, I felt lost, adrift in a growing darkness in my soul. I found myself revisiting decisions I'd made in the past....questioning myself...wondering "what if" I'd chosen differently?  In the midst of all this my best friend called to share something she'd read on Facebook.....I wish I could remember exactly what it was because the words spoke to my heart and led me to Scripture, to searching for God's peace in His Word.

This verse reverberated within me, "Be still and know I am God." Psalm 46:10. Be still.  Stop aimlessly wandering through your fears and anxiety.  BE STILL. I realized that in my nervousness and agitation I was allowing my fears to drown out what God was trying to say to my heart, what He was trying to do for me.  So I stopped.  I curled up in my chair, took some deep breaths, and listened with my heart. I focused on what I knew to be true and unchanging.  God is with me. He loves me. He cares what happens in my life. I am His child. I do not have to "fix" anything because God is in control.

Gradually I felt peace sliding into the chaos, gently pushing the worries, the fears, the doubts out of my mind and my heart, replacing them with the knowledge, the certainty that God is with me and I will never have to face life on my own.  Do you know how comforting that is?  Especially in a world filled with chaos of ever sort and magnitude? I hope you do.  And if you don't, my prayer is that you will, because His peace can calm the storm in anyone.

A Time for Everything

Ah Saturday!  For some reason this week seemed like the longest first week of school ever!  It wasn't a bad week but rather a busy and full week.  Despite the physical strain on my still healing body, I thoroughly enjoyed myself....and can hardly wait for Monday!  I know...I sound mental but I truly love where I work, the people with whom I work and the children that I teach.  Although I haven't always appreciated and rejoiced in what a blessing this is.

Back in the Spring I had the opportunity to interview for a position in our school system which would have allowed me to teach in my actual field of certification which is English and Speech.  In fact, there were three positions for which I interviewed.  I was so excited because it isn't often that English teaching positions open up in our city system....I had the support and encouragement of my current principal and many friends and coworkers. Because I had been waiting for years for this opportunity to present itself and had prayed so specifically for a teaching job, I felt that God was saying, "here ya go...your dream job!"

My first interview went so well I just knew God had come through for me!  Then I was offered an interview for another English position.....and my thought was "oh my now I'm going to have to choose between the two jobs."  I know, I know.....how vain does that sound?  But really what I meant was "God is more than answering my prayers!"  I could hardly sleep for the week and a half it took for them to contact me about the first job.......which I did NOT get.  Of course I was dejected.....but hey there was the other job I'd interviewed for, right?

I didn't get that job either....and I cried for several days about that as well. And I questioned God.  Because of the spiritual and emotional desert I was in at that time, I couldn't understand what was wrong with me.....my self-esteem took a big hit and I really began to doubt myself and my abilities.

Then I got the call for another interview!  I was so excited and berated myself for ever doubting that God was going to give me a teaching job I not only wanted but really needed financially.  For those not in education, an instructional aide makes half of a teacher's pay regardless of the degrees one might possess.....and in our economy.....that does not go far!

As you might have already surmised...I didn't get that job either!  That third "rejection" left me foundering in a whirlpool of doubt, depression and fear about the future. It was coupled with a sense of failure in my personal relationships.....and an anxiety about my physical health.....in short, I was a hot mess caught in a downward spiral.  That descent continued until the prayerful intervention I wrote about in "Out of the Darkness."

Looking back I can see the hand of God in every event.....He was working for my good in every situation......it was my faith that was in question....and my desire to control my life, to think I knew what was best for me.  I'm learning to let go. I'm working hard to let God shine in all areas of my life.  When I worry about how I'm going to pay my bills each and every month....I remind myself that God has promised to take care of every need.  I turn that particular fear into a hopeful anticipation of seeing God make miracles happen!

Meanwhile, I have the joy of working with people who bless me every day with their friendship....with an administrator who encourages me in the work I want to do with our students....with children who continuously amaze me with their resilience and their desire to make our world a better place.  In Ecclesiastes 3:1 we read, "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven." Now is the time for me to be exactly where I am doing specifically what I am doing! Thank you God for showing me this truth!

Back In the Groove

My goodness what a week!  For me, going back to work was a mixed blessing.  The biggest issue was having so little energy and dealing with the physical restrictions so necessary after surgery.  Instead of going out to eat every day with coworkers, I went home and took a quick nap...had to in order to get through the day.  Don't know what I'll do next week when the students are back and my day begins with morning duty at 7:15 and doesn't stop until after 3:00! Deal with it the best way I can, right?

There were times during the week when I felt overwhelmed by everything and began to doubt my ability to deal with, well, my life and all that it encompasses. I was afraid that I won't have the energy to stay healthy.  Then I was afraid if I had to deal with health issues I would have to miss work....and because of severe fibromyalgia episodes last school year I have NO sick leave hence if I miss work...the pay is docked and so forth and so on. THEN, I began worrying about being able to pay bills.....and if I can't pay bills then where will I live....and the litany grew and grew and grew.....and all because of fear and doubt.

Amazingly enough I was reading a book in which the author referenced several verses.  And of course there was one which totally spoke to my state of mind.  God has a wonderful way of reaching us in many ways...as long as we are willing and eager to listen......doesn't He?  Anyway, this was the verse; "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." II Timothy 1:7

Reading those words reminded me that if I have fear, it is not from God.  And if it is not from God I don't want it nor do I have to hold on to it. Just like any other negative thoughts or attitudes which might intrude on my frame of mind, I have to turn it over to God.  Let Him calm my fear with His peace....let Him remind me that He is in control and will take care of me. Of course the issue for me is to be as close to God as possible.....that is my journey.

I have to be honest the journey is not easy.....it takes constant prayer.....makes the reading or meditating on Scripture the beginning point of every day.....and immersing myself in an attitude of total dependency on God's strength to get through the day.  And when I feel like I've failed God or myself.....it means  turning to God is imperative.  In the past when I felt that way I withdrew from God, pulling further away every day.  I don't want to be in THAT place ever again!

So what if this spiritual journey of mine is difficult?  It is leading me to an attitude "of power and of love and of a sound mind." I've always been told anything worth having you have to work for.....living my life in an attitude of peace and love is most definitely worth any difficulties I may face along the way.