What A Day!

I tried really hard today to keep out of that "whirlpool of turmoil" I mentioned the other day....but it was so very hard.  When I'm tired and cannot seem to find enough minutes in the work day to get what is expected of me done.....and I'm reminded by thoughtless comments that I'm not hired "as a teacher," but merely an aide....it hurts. And then I'm very conscious of my meager paycheck....and my bills...and my health issues.....it all just piles up into a big old pile of "poor old pitiful me."

Today was one of those days.  I could feel dark clouds of self doubt, worthlessness, depression, all beginning to gather around me.....then I felt anger welling up inside me at the unfairness of it all. But then a coworker said, "just let it go. Don't let the actions of another person do that to you." And she was so right.

I reached out and felt God's peace just wash over me. My job doesn't define the person I am! There is more to me than the work I do every day for which I am thankful. From now on I will focus on the parts of my job I love.....the preciousness of the children with whom I work....their triumphs and successes....the fun and laughter shared with friends and coworkers.

 I'm really blessed and I need to remember that....and always let my thoughts and actions reflect the Love and Peace shown me by God.

Safe In the Storm

I'm hunkered down in my hallway........Southerners will know what that means but for others let me translate.....I'm on the floor in my hallway as rain thunders down and the tornado warning signal continues to sound on my phone....feeling a bit anxious since I live on the second floor in a corner apartment....not the best place to be in a tornado.  Do I actually think the tornado will touchdown? In my area of the country, especially in a town which has been devastated by a tornado in the not so distant past....you just never know.

As I wait for the danger to pass, I find myself thinking of how blessed I truly am as I pray for the safety of my family who also live here.  My parents live nearby and are healthy and active and formidable card players.  My daughter and her husband live 40 miles away and my oldest son lives and works here in town. And I have great coworkers! And dear, treasured friends who brighten my life daily! Funny how the threat of a tornado makes one reflect on all the good in one's life.

True, my life has not always gone as I expected...still doesn't. I haven't always dealt with things, turmoil, plan changes very well....but lately...well, my attitude is changing.  A friend wrote this week quoting Exodus 20:21, "Moses approached the thick darkness where God was," and put so many things into perspective for me. Sometimes when the clouds around me seem the darkest, I wonder where God's Light is and never stop to think, He is in the darkness with me!

As my friend wrote, "Forge ahead in the darkness without flinching, knowing that under the shelter of the cloud, God is waiting for you." And He is! And always will be! That knowledge is how my attitude is changing. I try not to rant and rail against changes going on around me nor do I allow myself to get sucked into the whirlpool of turmoil which seems to surround the changes. My focus is on the knowledge that God is with me in the darkness which sometimes seems to surround me.

The sirens have stopped although dark thunderclouds still hover and threaten just like problems and turmoil still hover and threaten my tranquility. My strength comes from knowing that God is with me in both situations....and I count on Him to bring me peace.

A Brand New Day

Every year before school starts, I have a routine with which I prepare to ease back in to the daily grind. Because I use the summer months to stay up late watching movies or reading the novels I've saved for this very purpose, I have to make a concentrated effort to get back in the swing of getting up with the sun.  It is not easy and gets less easy as each year goes by. For the past few days I've made  it a point to set my alarm for my normal "get up its time to go to work" signal....all this in an effort to acclimate my mind and body to school day routines....so far its worked fairly well...until about one o'clock in the afternoon. Then it is as if all normal, rational, cognitive thought flees and all I can think is, "I want a nap!"  Those who teach know that napping is not allowed...even for five year old children....wasted instructional time.

So for the past few days I've gotten up earlier and earlier....and something amazing has happened!

 Let me back up.  As I sometimes do when things are going well....my focus drifts away from my spiritual center....I mean, after all, I'm doing fine, right? Will I never learn? And gradually, I lost my way a bit.  The past few days have been stressful on an emotional and spiritual and physical level because there were changes I had to make....ideas, thoughts, even dreams I had to let loose, give up, move past.....it was so hard because it was all so comfortable, so safe, so familiar......but in the long run, not good for me.

And because I've gotten up earlier and earlier....God came to me in that quiet time before the day really begins, before the sounds and movements of life drag at me into action.....and gently showed me what I needed to do.  I argued with Him....but less this time than last because I really am learning a little bit.....He wrapped me in His peace and I bowed my head and let go.....of all those unhealthy things in my life.  I've had to do it before. The first time just barely a year ago.....and it came after great pain.....but brought such joy, such peace. Each time since has been less painful more freeing and ultimately such a blessing.

I think I will maintain that getting up early routine year round.....because until I've learned all He needs to teach me, and He takes me up in death....I need the love and guidance of my Maker and Creator each and every day.  And for me, I need to meet Him in the early morning of every day in order to stay on the path He has chosen for me.

Calming the Storm

What a week! Dealing with the possibility of a hurricane, tornado warnings, anxious students and mood swings I couldn't explain made for an irritable me!  I even had difficulty allowing God to take care of me...the old habit of trying to take care of everything myself crept in and took hold before I was even aware. It seemed that every time I tried to pray my mind would wander into areas of anxiety and instead of immediately turning them over to God, I focused on the "what ifs."

From experience I know the what-ifs can cause chaos in my spiritual life.  And they did.  For the first time in months, I felt lost, adrift in a growing darkness in my soul. I found myself revisiting decisions I'd made in the past....questioning myself...wondering "what if" I'd chosen differently?  In the midst of all this my best friend called to share something she'd read on Facebook.....I wish I could remember exactly what it was because the words spoke to my heart and led me to Scripture, to searching for God's peace in His Word.

This verse reverberated within me, "Be still and know I am God." Psalm 46:10. Be still.  Stop aimlessly wandering through your fears and anxiety.  BE STILL. I realized that in my nervousness and agitation I was allowing my fears to drown out what God was trying to say to my heart, what He was trying to do for me.  So I stopped.  I curled up in my chair, took some deep breaths, and listened with my heart. I focused on what I knew to be true and unchanging.  God is with me. He loves me. He cares what happens in my life. I am His child. I do not have to "fix" anything because God is in control.

Gradually I felt peace sliding into the chaos, gently pushing the worries, the fears, the doubts out of my mind and my heart, replacing them with the knowledge, the certainty that God is with me and I will never have to face life on my own.  Do you know how comforting that is?  Especially in a world filled with chaos of ever sort and magnitude? I hope you do.  And if you don't, my prayer is that you will, because His peace can calm the storm in anyone.

No Matter What

I've spent the last couple of days contemplating what lies ahead. Sunday I was reminded that God is going to take care of everything.  Does that mean that I will no longer have worries or sorrow or days when I wonder what is the point of it all?  No.  For me it means, that whatever is on my mind or heart, whatever pain or illness I must face, my God is with me.

You see, for so long I didn't think I was worthy of that kind of Love.  That I had to prove myself by enduring the hardships, the sorrow, the loneliness, the illness.  Finding out that I don't have to prove anything, that I just have to be who I am, was so liberating.  If I feel the darkness trying to overwhelm me I literally cry out to God and tell Him everything I'm thinking and feeling.  Then there is an almost physical sense of those dark thoughts being lifted into His Light where He takes care of them.  And my mind is peaceful in the knowledge He is there.

I've been attending a wonderful church peopled with folks I don't know.  Years ago I would have felt like an "outsider."  But my anonymity has allowed me to worship and praise God in a way I've never before felt free to do.  It is as if I am alone in the presence of God.....no one is around...the walls fall away....and I am there with the sole purpose of praising God and hearing what He has to say.  For me it has been miraculous.

That is why I can face my biopsy tomorrow with a minimum of anxiety. Regardless of the outcome, I know God will be there.  No matter what comes next, God will be there.  My only response is to let Him....to lean on Him....to seek His peace....to be His servant.