No Matter What

I've spent the last couple of days contemplating what lies ahead. Sunday I was reminded that God is going to take care of everything.  Does that mean that I will no longer have worries or sorrow or days when I wonder what is the point of it all?  No.  For me it means, that whatever is on my mind or heart, whatever pain or illness I must face, my God is with me.

You see, for so long I didn't think I was worthy of that kind of Love.  That I had to prove myself by enduring the hardships, the sorrow, the loneliness, the illness.  Finding out that I don't have to prove anything, that I just have to be who I am, was so liberating.  If I feel the darkness trying to overwhelm me I literally cry out to God and tell Him everything I'm thinking and feeling.  Then there is an almost physical sense of those dark thoughts being lifted into His Light where He takes care of them.  And my mind is peaceful in the knowledge He is there.

I've been attending a wonderful church peopled with folks I don't know.  Years ago I would have felt like an "outsider."  But my anonymity has allowed me to worship and praise God in a way I've never before felt free to do.  It is as if I am alone in the presence of God.....no one is around...the walls fall away....and I am there with the sole purpose of praising God and hearing what He has to say.  For me it has been miraculous.

That is why I can face my biopsy tomorrow with a minimum of anxiety. Regardless of the outcome, I know God will be there.  No matter what comes next, God will be there.  My only response is to let Him....to lean on Him....to seek His peace....to be His servant.

Focus on the Positive

Had an up and down kind of day.  Because of the biopsy I'm facing next week I had a call in to my cousin who is an outstanding Physician's Assistant.  We had a nice long talk about the issues with my diabetes and the two masses on my thyroid gland.  He was reassuring and gave me lots of information and questions to ask my doctor before the procedure.  He also made me feel comfortable with the probability that ,given the size and location of the largest mass I was almost certainly looking at surgery.  My options will be determined by the outcome of the biopsy.

So.....whether I am facing cancer or not is still to be determined.  If cancer is present....it still needs to be decided what kind.  And on and on....I could drive myself crazy.  Right now, all I'm focusing on is the first step....the biopsy which takes place in 5 days.  Positive thoughts and many prayers.....and my faith in a loving God will get me through.

No Longer Alone

Today's been kinda rough.  I've allowed myself to give in to bouts of melancholy and tears.  So much to think about but I think I'm going to have to be a bit more picky about my thoughts.  I've had to call on the Lord alot today just to deal with negative thoughts.  Bad habit of mine those negative thoughts.

I've kind of been putting off writing about what's ahead but it is probably time I at least mentioned it. In the midst of all the personal, emotional and spiritual upheaval I've been through the past two weeks I found out about a health issue I'd not anticipated.  Currently my list of health issues include(in order of diagnosis)scleraderma, fibromyalgia, and diabetes.  Yeah good times!

I was referred to an endocrinologist two months ago because despite our best efforts, my diabetes was out of control.  Nothing seemed to be working including insulin, diet, exercise. He ordered some tests and checked me out pretty thoroughly.  In the course of his exam he discovered my thyroid was enlarged on one side and decided on my follow-up visit to do an ultrasound. On June 19 I underwent the ultrasound exam and the doctor discovered I have two "nodules" on my thyroid.

One is about 1 cm and perfectly round.  He said we could just keep an eye on it.  Then he found nodule number two.  It is 2cm and oval making it look, as the doctor said, "like you swallowed an Easter egg."  Because of the size and shape, it was decided it would be in my best interest to do a biopsy, "to see exactly what we're up against."  So that's what I'm facing.

The one thing I'm sure of is that no matter what the biopsy reveals, my God will be right there with me.  To say I'm not afraid would be lying.  But I know I don't have to face the future, whatever it holds, by myself.  Good thing because I couldn't do it.....I would just fall into a million pieces and be unable to put myself back together. Most of my adult life I've dealt with an overwhelming sense of being alone....no matter how many people were around.....I felt alone.

Maybe it was because I felt unworthy of love and was sure that if anyone knew of the dark hole inside of me then my solitude would be assured.  Who knows?  I faced alot with that empty feeling gnawing away at my self-perceptions.  And it has made me weary.

Thankfully I no longer feel that way.  God has opened my eyes and cleared away the darkness.  He will fight for me.....will fill me with light and love and healing.....will allow me to renew my strength in His loving embrace.  Whatever the next health battle is, God stands with me to face it.