No Longer Alone

Today's been kinda rough.  I've allowed myself to give in to bouts of melancholy and tears.  So much to think about but I think I'm going to have to be a bit more picky about my thoughts.  I've had to call on the Lord alot today just to deal with negative thoughts.  Bad habit of mine those negative thoughts.

I've kind of been putting off writing about what's ahead but it is probably time I at least mentioned it. In the midst of all the personal, emotional and spiritual upheaval I've been through the past two weeks I found out about a health issue I'd not anticipated.  Currently my list of health issues include(in order of diagnosis)scleraderma, fibromyalgia, and diabetes.  Yeah good times!

I was referred to an endocrinologist two months ago because despite our best efforts, my diabetes was out of control.  Nothing seemed to be working including insulin, diet, exercise. He ordered some tests and checked me out pretty thoroughly.  In the course of his exam he discovered my thyroid was enlarged on one side and decided on my follow-up visit to do an ultrasound. On June 19 I underwent the ultrasound exam and the doctor discovered I have two "nodules" on my thyroid.

One is about 1 cm and perfectly round.  He said we could just keep an eye on it.  Then he found nodule number two.  It is 2cm and oval making it look, as the doctor said, "like you swallowed an Easter egg."  Because of the size and shape, it was decided it would be in my best interest to do a biopsy, "to see exactly what we're up against."  So that's what I'm facing.

The one thing I'm sure of is that no matter what the biopsy reveals, my God will be right there with me.  To say I'm not afraid would be lying.  But I know I don't have to face the future, whatever it holds, by myself.  Good thing because I couldn't do it.....I would just fall into a million pieces and be unable to put myself back together. Most of my adult life I've dealt with an overwhelming sense of being alone....no matter how many people were around.....I felt alone.

Maybe it was because I felt unworthy of love and was sure that if anyone knew of the dark hole inside of me then my solitude would be assured.  Who knows?  I faced alot with that empty feeling gnawing away at my self-perceptions.  And it has made me weary.

Thankfully I no longer feel that way.  God has opened my eyes and cleared away the darkness.  He will fight for me.....will fill me with light and love and healing.....will allow me to renew my strength in His loving embrace.  Whatever the next health battle is, God stands with me to face it.

Out of the Darkness

It is hard for me to fathom that just a week ago I was plunged so deep into the darkness of self-doubt and self-loathing that I truly felt my life held no purpose, no meaning. I confess that the last 5 years I was wandering through a Hell of my own creation without any sort of spiritual compass to guide me.  Let me rephrase, I had dropped a perfectly fine well working Compass in my self delusion and could no longer find it!  I kept picking up "maps," and "guidebooks," and listening to the advice of "travelers" who were just as lost as I was.  Believe me, it only served to lead me deeper into the desert.

I never stopped praying but to me those prayers seemed futile.  The people who honestly loved and cared for me kept sending up 'flares' but not only was I stumbling around in darkness but I had my hands over my eyes! I had become the poster child for self deluded people who wouldn't know Truth if it popped up and bit them on the behind! Seriously! I would have fared better had I popped in some earplugs.

Why? You may be asking. Because at that point, two years ago, a well practiced Deceiver stepped in to "rescue" me from myself. And in the weariness of my personal struggle, I grabbed the 'lifeline' I'd been tossed and allowed myself to pulled into the Grand Deception.  For a while I listened and thought I had finally found a way to begin loving myself.  Problem was, since I still had my hands over my eyes I couldn't see that I was out of the desert but now I was in a dark AND slimy labyrinth-like cave.And with NO flashlight!

Flash forward to one week ago. Thanks to the lies and deceptions of my 'rescuer' I now had layer upon layer of self-loathing and was so mired in the muck of the cave in which I'd imprisoned myself that I saw no reason to keep living....I was lower than I had ever been and couldn't even lift my head to look up...even with my hands still over my eyes!

That's when God said, "ENOUGH!"  He sent warrior angels in the form of three precious friends who stepped in and fought for the good they knew still lived in me....they poured words of encouragement into my ears and tried to pull my hands off my eyes. He sent a prayer warrior of tiny stature and mighty faith to pray over me and for me.........and God pulled my hands away and said, "See My Light and live!"

Sounds dramatic and it was!  If you've ever been in the kind of Stygian darkness I was in, any light, even the tiny flame of a match seems like a Sun.  Imagine the Light produced by the Master and Creator of all that is.  Yeah I should have been blinded but I wasn't...because for me the Light burned the darkness from within me and from around me and cradled me in a warm nurturing Love.

Since then God has been working and blessing me and making changes in me.  He's used His willing servants to comfort me and encourage me with their words, their thoughts, their prayers.  For the first time in my life I feel free of the bondage darkness brings.  I can say with truth and conviction that I do have good in me, I am capable of loving and being loved, I do have gifts God can and will use......

I have found my Compass again and the path I see is paved in peace, joy and the Love of God......He has made me worthy.