As Long as I Can Pray

It has been building for several days this particular pain episode I find myself enduring.  I never really know what's going to trigger a flare up but once in a while I can trace the beginnings back. Such is the case with this one. 

The awful stomach virus I contracted last week seems to be the origin of this flare.  The pain grew gradually more intense......I kept going, trying to go to work and just deal with it.  Most of the time I can manage it that way.  But then there are those other times.....and this is one of those times.

Trying to sleep or rest is nigh impossible because there is so position which doesn't bring its own discomfort.  Even breaking out the strongest painkillers I have bring no relief.  So, this morning I dressed in the softest clothing I possess, went to school and did my daily morning duty, talked with teachers and subs about the writing prompts for today.......and am now at home, waiting for a call from my doctor about the possibilities of getting a Toradol injection today.

But You know what? In spite of all the pain, the tears that accompany the pain and the fear that the pain will never lessen.........I feel so very blessed and loved.  My physical and emotional state has no bearing on God's love for me.....nor does it impact my ability to pray and praise God for all He's doing......because as long as I can think, I can pray and as long as I can pray, I can communicate with God and when I am still, I know I can hear God........and that is all good isn't it?

So today I will 'be still'.....I will reach out with my prayers to those God brings into my mind.....those who read these words know that you are being prayed for today especially.....and I will patiently wait for whatever comes next.........God is in charge and He takes care of all the details!

The Game Plan

In this present phase of my life, so many things I once believed to be true turned into lies and the person I was, is no more. The transitions have been painful and eye opening.  And initially, I didn't know what I was going to do, how I was to go on, and with the health issues, I didn't know how long I'd even be around to worry about it.

Those who read my words know the things I'm talking about.  Today I want to clarify some things.

I've come through fire and been burned but like the mythical phoenix, I am rising from the ashes...a new creature.  As a new creature, my plan is to follow the advice I found in Proverbs 3: 5-8.  Rediscovered it today as a matter of fact. Reading the following words filled me with hope again:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." Prov. 3 :5-8

There you have my gameplan.  Trust God and let Him guide my way.  Admit I don't know everything and stay away from the things I know to be wrong....and when I'm weak or not sure...pray and let God teach me.  If I do this, then I will be healed and refreshed......and I see this as referring to my mental, spiritual and emotional health.......the physical healing will follow....but in God's time.

No Longer Alone

Today's been kinda rough.  I've allowed myself to give in to bouts of melancholy and tears.  So much to think about but I think I'm going to have to be a bit more picky about my thoughts.  I've had to call on the Lord alot today just to deal with negative thoughts.  Bad habit of mine those negative thoughts.

I've kind of been putting off writing about what's ahead but it is probably time I at least mentioned it. In the midst of all the personal, emotional and spiritual upheaval I've been through the past two weeks I found out about a health issue I'd not anticipated.  Currently my list of health issues include(in order of diagnosis)scleraderma, fibromyalgia, and diabetes.  Yeah good times!

I was referred to an endocrinologist two months ago because despite our best efforts, my diabetes was out of control.  Nothing seemed to be working including insulin, diet, exercise. He ordered some tests and checked me out pretty thoroughly.  In the course of his exam he discovered my thyroid was enlarged on one side and decided on my follow-up visit to do an ultrasound. On June 19 I underwent the ultrasound exam and the doctor discovered I have two "nodules" on my thyroid.

One is about 1 cm and perfectly round.  He said we could just keep an eye on it.  Then he found nodule number two.  It is 2cm and oval making it look, as the doctor said, "like you swallowed an Easter egg."  Because of the size and shape, it was decided it would be in my best interest to do a biopsy, "to see exactly what we're up against."  So that's what I'm facing.

The one thing I'm sure of is that no matter what the biopsy reveals, my God will be right there with me.  To say I'm not afraid would be lying.  But I know I don't have to face the future, whatever it holds, by myself.  Good thing because I couldn't do it.....I would just fall into a million pieces and be unable to put myself back together. Most of my adult life I've dealt with an overwhelming sense of being alone....no matter how many people were around.....I felt alone.

Maybe it was because I felt unworthy of love and was sure that if anyone knew of the dark hole inside of me then my solitude would be assured.  Who knows?  I faced alot with that empty feeling gnawing away at my self-perceptions.  And it has made me weary.

Thankfully I no longer feel that way.  God has opened my eyes and cleared away the darkness.  He will fight for me.....will fill me with light and love and healing.....will allow me to renew my strength in His loving embrace.  Whatever the next health battle is, God stands with me to face it.