A Day of Miracles

Today is a day of miracles! How do I know this? Because today is the day I pay my bills....except for rent because it is always paid on the first....but the other stuff.  You know, water, power, phone, tv/Internet, medical....all those necessities.  And I know miracles will be wrought because it happens every month.

I know my paycheck is barely enough to cover these and still pay for groceries and gas in the car.  But every month somehow...God makes it stretch.  Why? Because He has promised to meet my needs as long as I follow Him and trust Him to do so.  There have been months when I spent many sleepless nights wondering how I was going to do it....how I would have the money to survive these basic monthly payments.....and I do mean basics because on my salary, there is no room for extras or splurges.

But I have gradually learned to let it go.  I've learned to take God at His word and trust Him to keep His Promises.  And He does....every single time. And as far as extras and splurges go....I've found that God has a way of surprising me with those too! Sometimes its "Buy One Get One Free" sales at the grocery store and sometimes its an invitation from a friend to go out for coffee-their treat, or a discount on a haircut from my hairdresser because I've referred so many new clients to her shop....always unexpected and always appreciated are these blessings from God.

So I will go ahead and say, "Thank You Lord for all that You do for me. Thank you for taking care of my needs and for loving me enough to do so. Help me to remember to share Your love with all those around me."

He's Not Finished With Me Yet

Saturday mornings are so nice....being able to actually savor my coffee instead of being in a mad rush to get out the door and to work. On mornings like this I move at a much slower pace. It is my one day to reflect, recuperate, and refuel for the week ahead. When I got out of bed  it was 27 degrees and actually felt like winter. Now I'm bundled into my soft and ratty robe with some thick socks on my feet ready to write and share.

The past two weeks have gone surprisingly well as far as my health issues are concerned. The pain has been bearable and I've not felt quite as exhausted after work every day. I must confess I did have a 'moment' yesterday. After work I stopped by the store for a few things....eggs, vegs, pasta....so by the time I arrived home my energy was pretty much nonexistent. Got out of the car, grabbed my school bag, my laptop, the groceries and walked the few steps to my building. As I stood at the foot of the stairs leading up to my apartment looking up, I felt overwhelmed......and started to cry! Thank goodness no one was around to see. I wept all the way up the stairs and into my apartment.

After I'd composed myself, I put away my groceries and called my Mama.  I do this every afternoon because my parents like the reassurance that I am safely ensconced in my home after a long day.  We spoke generalities for the first few minutes....you know, how was your day, what did you do, etc.....then Mama asked how I was doing and the tears came again. I think I gave her a bit of a fright because she couldn't understand me through the tears. When I finally got things under control, she comforted me with these words.

She told me she prays for me every day, every time she thinks of me she says a prayer and asks God to send me a miracle......at that point I told her that God hears her prayers because my life is full of  miracles and blessings from God.  Sometimes that is hard for others to understand because they still think of miracles in all caps....you know MIRACLES!!! I used to think that way too. Not anymore.

Over the past six months I've experienced miracles and blessings enough to know without a doubt God loves and cares for me.  My son and I talked about the difference between miracles and blessings......miracles are things ONLY God can do......blessings are the things other people do because God is working through them. And just so you'll know, it is all wonderful.

I arrived at work yesterday morning feeling so full of joy I thought I might explode! And though I had a minor meltdown at one point.....at the end of the day, my joy was still complete. There is a song I heard on the radio that stayed with me all through yesterday and is still in my head this morning.....something to the affect of........God knows the plans He has for me, I know He won't forget, He's not finished with me yet, He's not finished with me yet.

I find much comfort in that thought.

Blessings Everywhere

It has been a long day and I've just gotten home after a visit with my parents and a quick trip to the grocery store.  As tired as I am, I couldn't wait to share this!  And then eat!

With my current budget, this is the week of the month where things get squeaky tight....really squeaky.....the week where dinner may be limited to rice cakes with peanut butter or Vienna Sausages with crackers. You get the picture.  Well, today I realized I had no more rice cakes, Vienna Sausages, or crackers....sigh....and just about no more money.  I made a very careful shopping list and headed to the store after the visit with my parents.

Of course I was mentally praying that maybe one or two of the items I needed would be on special or my favorite, Buy One Get One Free!!  Are you ready for this? Everything on my list was at least 50% off and a couple of things were two for one! I spent less than I had budgeted and took home nearly twice as much......and I know Who to thank. A friend once told me that God always gives us more than we ask for.......that was proven today.

I don't know why I'm always amazed by God's blessings.  He has promised to always take care of me...to supply me with what I need.....and He never disappoints.  Maybe I shouldn't be amazed or astounded that God does what He does.....instead I should live in anticipation of whatever blessing He sends.....and be ever grateful for His Love.

Do Miracles Come in Sizes?

Are all "miracles" classified? By that I mean, are all 'miracles' considered major or is there a category for mini miracles? I would definitely classify the parting of the Red Sea by Moses and Jesus turning the water into wine as pretty major....but what about those events which only impact one person? By one person I mean, say a middle aged woman alone on the couch in her small, but cosy, apartment?

Let me share what happened and maybe you can help me decide.  Yesterday was kind of unpleasant for me.....the middle aged woman from the preceding paragraph in case you hadn't figured it out.  In fact, the whole week was difficult.  'Working through the pain' until I couldn't take it any longer....missing two full days of work and subsequent pay because of pain....going back to work with the pain only slightly better......venting on the blog until I felt, at least emotionally, better.....then last night.

I had gotten home from work, struggled up the seventeen steps to my apartment which took almost ten minutes for those who are curious, phoned my parents, texted my daughter, fixed my meal which consisted of two pieces of toasted bread w/some smoked turkey between them and a Claussen's pickle.......after which I collapsed on the couch.  You see, during one of these pain marathons once I sit down...I'm done.  That's when it became interesting.

I was there on my couch, cocooned in a well worn quilt with warm soft socks on my feet, trying not to cry nor feel sorry for myself. The pain seemed to radiate out from my very marrow growing so intense at times I was almost afraid to breathe for fear the movement would make it even worse.....and I began to pray.  Now those who've followed my blog know my prayers are not what one could call traditional....I lay there with tears trickling down my face and I asked God to take away the pain....no, I begged Him to take it away....even if to do so meant He had to bring me to Heaven with Him.....the pain seemed to intensify which I never thought possible. 

Then it was as if God said, "think about it. Be still and quiet and think about what you've just asked for." And of course in my headstrong way I said, "But why? I can't stand it anymore! You love me so fix it!" I know, I know.....not exactly the way one pictures prayer is it?  But He is my Father and my Friend.....and that is how we communicate.  He replied to my demand by saying, "Be still and think."
So being unable to do much else....I thought about my situation, my prayer, the relationship I have with God, the fact that I have so much to learn about following His guidance.......and I changed my prayer.

I thanked God for loving me enough to help me become a better person, a more complete woman of God.  I thanked Him for the pain He was using to get my attention and to teach me whatever lesson He needed me to learn because of it.  Then I asked Him, notice I said asked not demanded, if He could just turn it down a notch so that it would be more bearable................and He did!

Almost immediately I noticed a difference.....yes, that quickly! The pain was not yet to the day to day bearable stage.....but it was different....lighter somehow.  And I knew God heard me and responded.
The pain today is still kind of rough......but it has definitely been turned down a notch. I still am not sure what lesson the pain is supposed to teach me but I have learned that God is and will continue to be with me through every step of the lesson.

So back to the original question......are miracles classified according to the"wow" factor? Maybe to some.  As for me.....after what I experienced last night.......every miracle, every blessing, every interaction with God is most certainly a WOW kind of experience.

Praising God

My heart is so full! The week has been peppered with reminders of how much God cares about me.....unexpected blessings are the best, don't you think? I am so very thankful for life and all that it holds.......not just the smooth stretches but the bumpy bits as well.....really, I'm the most thankful for the bumpy bits.  Those tough painful times make even the tiniest of blessings magnificent...they grow and glow because they are come the source of all that is good ad perfect and loving....they come from the heart of God.

Of course I must share the shape and form some of these blessing took this week! Earlier in the week I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some prescriptions before heading in to work...love a 24 hour drive thru pharmacy! The prescription was for anti-inflammatory injections....16 doses and there was no charge for the syringes......usually I have to pay for them...so I said a prayer of thanks! If you've read my blog before you know I'm on a squeaky tight budget so free syringes deserve a cheer.

Then the pharmacist said my daily anti-inflammatory med wasn't ready because it was now available in generic form and that they had to order it. Yay!  Because I have to take so many meds I'm always hoping for generic. My best friend put it in very concrete terms when she said the difference between a copay for a non generic and a generic med is equal to half a tank of gas! So here was another blessing in a span of 15 minutes. I drove in to work with a huge smile on my face and gratitude in my heart. And I kept thinking of the Doxology which says, "praise God from whom all blessings flow."

Another blessing came the next day......I was walking to my third class of the day and frankly, I was struggling a bit....the pain making me wonder if I could get through the day. I heard someone call my name and turned to see one of my older students walking towards me. He said he'd been looking for me because he had something to tell me. I thought it was probably a message from another teacher but was surprised by what he said.

 This gangly, awkward young man then told me how much he appreciated the writing projects I'd done with his class. He said that the things I'd chosen to do had really touched his heart and helped him express stuff he'd been thinking about. He just wanted me to know....gave me a quick hug....and went back to class. Wow! You cannot know how much his unsolicited comment brightened my day.

Then there's today.....yep blessings, blessings, blessings. At our school we have a Social Fund managed by the Social Committee. The fund is used for buying flowers for people in the hospital, sympathy cards, you know the kind of stuff I'm talking about. The faculty and staff pay Social Dues every year to fund it all...the dues aren't exorbitant.....but for me, especially now, the dues are a lot. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. Then I remembered my emergency money. I keep a well folded ten dollar bill in my billfold "just in case."

I took that money and went to the office to pay my dues. The school secretary informed me that my dues had been paid. I said no I hadn't paid yet.....she insisted. Finally she took me into her office and said someone had paid my dues yesterday.....I cried. I found out who had done this kindness and thanked them and cried some more.....and thanked God for this precious person.....because I know God put the idea in the person's heart. I also know this person to be a humble servant and follower of God.

All day I felt this overwhelming sense of being loved and cared for.....and I know that I am. I may worry about being able to pay my bills....I may worry about how long I'll be able to continue working.....and of course I worry about the pain becoming worse and being unable to live the kind of life I want to live.................but in the long run I don't have to worry.....God has proven time and again that He will meet my needs.....He will take care of everything......I simply have to let Him do what He knows is best for me. 


Sounds like a good way to live, doesn't it?

It Is All Good

After yesterday's biopsy of the large mass in my thyroid, I was exhausted on every level!  The past three weeks were filled with much contemplation and lots of prayer time.  Not long after the decision was made to perform the biopsy, I turned the outcome over to God.  After all, my worrying about what could happen would not change any thing about the situation.  There were times when my mind would wander into those areas filled with questions to which I had no answers......is it cancer?.....how advanced might it be?.....will I still be able to work?....how will I take care of my bills?  On and on the litany went. 

Then I would feel the presence of God saying "here let Me take care of that.....you just rest....I have it all under control." And I would pray that He would be glorified through this whole situation....that my behaviour, my attitude, my acceptance would show how much I trust God, how I want to always be in His perfect plan......regardless of the outcome. It is all good.

Yesterday the doctor said we would have the results of the biopsy some time next week.  Believe me when I say I was not looking forward to the wait!  But I was determined not to think about it....the situation was in God's Hands.  Imagine my astonishment when I received a call late this afternoon saying the result were back.  Then imagine my joy when I was told there were NO cancer cells in the tissue samples taken yesterday!  It was my own special miracle and I thank God for sending it my way.

Because of the size of the mass, surgery is still indicated and I'm sure they will send it off to make certain it is not cancerous.  But for now, there is great rejoicing in my family and among my friends.  Their prayers all united to bring me through the stress and anxiety and even the procedure itself.  Prayer unites us in a way nothing else can.

Out of the Darkness

It is hard for me to fathom that just a week ago I was plunged so deep into the darkness of self-doubt and self-loathing that I truly felt my life held no purpose, no meaning. I confess that the last 5 years I was wandering through a Hell of my own creation without any sort of spiritual compass to guide me.  Let me rephrase, I had dropped a perfectly fine well working Compass in my self delusion and could no longer find it!  I kept picking up "maps," and "guidebooks," and listening to the advice of "travelers" who were just as lost as I was.  Believe me, it only served to lead me deeper into the desert.

I never stopped praying but to me those prayers seemed futile.  The people who honestly loved and cared for me kept sending up 'flares' but not only was I stumbling around in darkness but I had my hands over my eyes! I had become the poster child for self deluded people who wouldn't know Truth if it popped up and bit them on the behind! Seriously! I would have fared better had I popped in some earplugs.

Why? You may be asking. Because at that point, two years ago, a well practiced Deceiver stepped in to "rescue" me from myself. And in the weariness of my personal struggle, I grabbed the 'lifeline' I'd been tossed and allowed myself to pulled into the Grand Deception.  For a while I listened and thought I had finally found a way to begin loving myself.  Problem was, since I still had my hands over my eyes I couldn't see that I was out of the desert but now I was in a dark AND slimy labyrinth-like cave.And with NO flashlight!

Flash forward to one week ago. Thanks to the lies and deceptions of my 'rescuer' I now had layer upon layer of self-loathing and was so mired in the muck of the cave in which I'd imprisoned myself that I saw no reason to keep living....I was lower than I had ever been and couldn't even lift my head to look up...even with my hands still over my eyes!

That's when God said, "ENOUGH!"  He sent warrior angels in the form of three precious friends who stepped in and fought for the good they knew still lived in me....they poured words of encouragement into my ears and tried to pull my hands off my eyes. He sent a prayer warrior of tiny stature and mighty faith to pray over me and for me.........and God pulled my hands away and said, "See My Light and live!"

Sounds dramatic and it was!  If you've ever been in the kind of Stygian darkness I was in, any light, even the tiny flame of a match seems like a Sun.  Imagine the Light produced by the Master and Creator of all that is.  Yeah I should have been blinded but I wasn't...because for me the Light burned the darkness from within me and from around me and cradled me in a warm nurturing Love.

Since then God has been working and blessing me and making changes in me.  He's used His willing servants to comfort me and encourage me with their words, their thoughts, their prayers.  For the first time in my life I feel free of the bondage darkness brings.  I can say with truth and conviction that I do have good in me, I am capable of loving and being loved, I do have gifts God can and will use......

I have found my Compass again and the path I see is paved in peace, joy and the Love of God......He has made me worthy.