He's Not Finished With Me Yet

Saturday mornings are so nice....being able to actually savor my coffee instead of being in a mad rush to get out the door and to work. On mornings like this I move at a much slower pace. It is my one day to reflect, recuperate, and refuel for the week ahead. When I got out of bed  it was 27 degrees and actually felt like winter. Now I'm bundled into my soft and ratty robe with some thick socks on my feet ready to write and share.

The past two weeks have gone surprisingly well as far as my health issues are concerned. The pain has been bearable and I've not felt quite as exhausted after work every day. I must confess I did have a 'moment' yesterday. After work I stopped by the store for a few things....eggs, vegs, pasta....so by the time I arrived home my energy was pretty much nonexistent. Got out of the car, grabbed my school bag, my laptop, the groceries and walked the few steps to my building. As I stood at the foot of the stairs leading up to my apartment looking up, I felt overwhelmed......and started to cry! Thank goodness no one was around to see. I wept all the way up the stairs and into my apartment.

After I'd composed myself, I put away my groceries and called my Mama.  I do this every afternoon because my parents like the reassurance that I am safely ensconced in my home after a long day.  We spoke generalities for the first few minutes....you know, how was your day, what did you do, etc.....then Mama asked how I was doing and the tears came again. I think I gave her a bit of a fright because she couldn't understand me through the tears. When I finally got things under control, she comforted me with these words.

She told me she prays for me every day, every time she thinks of me she says a prayer and asks God to send me a miracle......at that point I told her that God hears her prayers because my life is full of  miracles and blessings from God.  Sometimes that is hard for others to understand because they still think of miracles in all caps....you know MIRACLES!!! I used to think that way too. Not anymore.

Over the past six months I've experienced miracles and blessings enough to know without a doubt God loves and cares for me.  My son and I talked about the difference between miracles and blessings......miracles are things ONLY God can do......blessings are the things other people do because God is working through them. And just so you'll know, it is all wonderful.

I arrived at work yesterday morning feeling so full of joy I thought I might explode! And though I had a minor meltdown at one point.....at the end of the day, my joy was still complete. There is a song I heard on the radio that stayed with me all through yesterday and is still in my head this morning.....something to the affect of........God knows the plans He has for me, I know He won't forget, He's not finished with me yet, He's not finished with me yet.

I find much comfort in that thought.

Do Miracles Come in Sizes?

Are all "miracles" classified? By that I mean, are all 'miracles' considered major or is there a category for mini miracles? I would definitely classify the parting of the Red Sea by Moses and Jesus turning the water into wine as pretty major....but what about those events which only impact one person? By one person I mean, say a middle aged woman alone on the couch in her small, but cosy, apartment?

Let me share what happened and maybe you can help me decide.  Yesterday was kind of unpleasant for me.....the middle aged woman from the preceding paragraph in case you hadn't figured it out.  In fact, the whole week was difficult.  'Working through the pain' until I couldn't take it any longer....missing two full days of work and subsequent pay because of pain....going back to work with the pain only slightly better......venting on the blog until I felt, at least emotionally, better.....then last night.

I had gotten home from work, struggled up the seventeen steps to my apartment which took almost ten minutes for those who are curious, phoned my parents, texted my daughter, fixed my meal which consisted of two pieces of toasted bread w/some smoked turkey between them and a Claussen's pickle.......after which I collapsed on the couch.  You see, during one of these pain marathons once I sit down...I'm done.  That's when it became interesting.

I was there on my couch, cocooned in a well worn quilt with warm soft socks on my feet, trying not to cry nor feel sorry for myself. The pain seemed to radiate out from my very marrow growing so intense at times I was almost afraid to breathe for fear the movement would make it even worse.....and I began to pray.  Now those who've followed my blog know my prayers are not what one could call traditional....I lay there with tears trickling down my face and I asked God to take away the pain....no, I begged Him to take it away....even if to do so meant He had to bring me to Heaven with Him.....the pain seemed to intensify which I never thought possible. 

Then it was as if God said, "think about it. Be still and quiet and think about what you've just asked for." And of course in my headstrong way I said, "But why? I can't stand it anymore! You love me so fix it!" I know, I know.....not exactly the way one pictures prayer is it?  But He is my Father and my Friend.....and that is how we communicate.  He replied to my demand by saying, "Be still and think."
So being unable to do much else....I thought about my situation, my prayer, the relationship I have with God, the fact that I have so much to learn about following His guidance.......and I changed my prayer.

I thanked God for loving me enough to help me become a better person, a more complete woman of God.  I thanked Him for the pain He was using to get my attention and to teach me whatever lesson He needed me to learn because of it.  Then I asked Him, notice I said asked not demanded, if He could just turn it down a notch so that it would be more bearable................and He did!

Almost immediately I noticed a difference.....yes, that quickly! The pain was not yet to the day to day bearable stage.....but it was different....lighter somehow.  And I knew God heard me and responded.
The pain today is still kind of rough......but it has definitely been turned down a notch. I still am not sure what lesson the pain is supposed to teach me but I have learned that God is and will continue to be with me through every step of the lesson.

So back to the original question......are miracles classified according to the"wow" factor? Maybe to some.  As for me.....after what I experienced last night.......every miracle, every blessing, every interaction with God is most certainly a WOW kind of experience.

Just Another Day

I spent two full days away from my job because of severe fibro pain and had to deal with what I felt were insensitive attitudes and comments......and these from people who think they are being encouraging!  I know I don't 'look' like I'm 'sick,' however that doesn't make the pain any less difficult to bear. Being told I should just 'work through the pain' is particularly aggravating because most days that is exactly what I am forced to do! If I have to miss work, you can be sure that my pain is beyond a 10 on that famous 1-10 scale at the doctors' offices....it is so intense that taking a shower makes me cry and trying to put on clothes is a lesson in futility. 

Today I went to work.....is my pain any less, for lack of a better word, painful? Maybe a 9 on the 1-10 scale....so not much better. So why am I here?  Because I was reminded that I will be bringing home 2% less each month not counting the sick days I have to take for which I am docked.  Being in this intense state of pain acerbates all my feelings so now I am angry!  Angry that because of my state government I am bringing home LESS now than I was four years ago......angry that my federal government in essence penalizes me for working by taking a majority of my hard earned wages and siphoning it off to those who are able to work but DO NOT! 

And then.....I feel guilty.....because I think, as a Christian I talk about trusting in God in all situations so why am I NOT trusting Him?  My anger dissipates because I DO trust Him in all things.  Anger won't make my paycheck any bigger nor will it make my pain any more bearable......faith in God will make my paycheck stretch further than I imagined because of the blessings He shares through those around me........trusting in Him to ease my pain does help.  So....there you go.....

I'm reminded of the Scripture, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  And I can..as long as I keep my eyes on Him....focus on His will for me instead of my will for myself. The truth is, since I began totally trusting God to show me the way I need to live, things have been much better.  There are times I slip back into trusting my own judgement....but I quickly realize God knows me better than I know myself....and as such, I trust God with my life. 

One out of Three

I've not done so well on my resolutions this week have I? It wasn't that I didn't think about writing more....I did, I really did! But it seemed as if I had neither time nor energy nor, for that matter, did I have a single inspired thought. I wish I could say I worked on my art a bit.....nope, not one line did I draw.  And the third resolution....reading through the entire Bible.....I have actually been reading several chapters daily.....so yay! Because that is the one resolution which I feel will bear fruit.

The reading guide I'm following has me reading through the book of Job at this point.  If you've never read it try it some time.  I was dreading it because I wasn't looking forward to reading about another man's trials and tribulations when I have enough of my own to deal with. But its been really good for me. 

Job was a faithful prosperous man of God who loses all he has.  Because of this he asks God to just take his life so that his trials and tribulations will be over.  His friends approach him and remind him of how Job has always comforted and counseled those around him. How Job encouraged others to rely on God's strength and comfort during hard times.  They ask why he can't take his own advice....find comfort and strength to endure what he's experiencing.....what an eye opener for me!

What a great reminder! Up until a few days ago I hadn't experienced a really bad fibro pain episode since November. I woke up Friday and could barely move.....went to work.....came home...and felt as if I couldn't get up the stairs to my apartment.  Still not feeling to great today. And to be honest, I felt myself slipping into a dark mood.....why now God?....You've given me some great days, so why can't they go on?....it is not fair!

Then I thought about Job.....and I was reminded that God is with me in good times and bad....no matter how bad the bad becomes! I'm not alone in this pain today....He is here holding me in His loving arms......He will be with me tomorrow as I go through my day no matter the level of pain....and my praise for Him will be eternal.

His Answer is Enough

Interesting week....long week....full week....and now its the weekend. Two days to catch up on all the things I didn't get done during the week and to recuperate and try and build up the energy for the week to come. It's obvious to me two days is not enough.

Pain is a continuing issue for me. Historically I experience mild pain daily punctuated with periodic episodes of such intense pain I cannot function.  These generally last 3-5 days and on rare occasions 5-7 days. I experienced one of those awful episodes over a week ago and have yet to reach the ordinary annoying levels of pain.  To say it is exhausting doesn't cover it.

Couple that with several large unexpected hits to my already squeaky tight budget and you have a woman who is asking the God she worships and trusts, "okay...what is the deal here? Is there something You need from me that I'm not doing? Show me.....tell me.....help me to understand!"
Don't get me wrong! I trust God to get me through whatever this time in my life is....I would like to understand so it is easier to bear.

Having to make some unexpected big ticket purchase decisions on my budget is overwhelming on a good day.  But to have to do so this week when my body is pain wracked and fatigue fogs my thought processes makes me long for someone with whom to share the decision making process. Since there is no such person, I believe God used my good friends to help me make my way through. Ironically enough, they both share the same name!

One friend reminded me that even big decisions need to be made one step at a time. So I stopped mentally jumping ahead to a scenario where I had to sell  everything I owned in order to buy the new tires I found out were necessary NOW to replace the ones I had which were bald and beginning to split. My other friend pointed out that even the smallest of pleasures can be just as special as extravagant ones.....a good cup of coffee with a homemade chocolate chip cookie.....a chat with an old friend.

Even though I continue to wonder why pain must be my daily companion.....my belief that God will always use whatever means (or people!) necessary to bring me some measure of comfort stands firm. As His child, it is perfectly all right to question and to wonder....as long as I keep my heart and mind open to His voice and His answers......and I have no problem with that!