Fighting the Flare

I have a bit of down time here at school which doesn't happen often.  The students are busy writing their vocabulary list for the next unit in history....I think I'll catch up on my blogging!

When last I wrote I was in the midst of a major pain flare.....bad news is the flare continues. The good news is the intensity of the pain has subsided somewhat.  That is not to say it has faded to the barely noticeable stage, however; I no longer feel like crying with every breath. Dealing with the constant pain is keeping me exhausted......and if one has never experienced a fibro flare then there is no way to explain it. Suffice it to say, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.....well, maybe just for a few hours.

It is not unusual for depression to accompany an intense pain flare....this time was no different....well, that's not entirely true. The depression was as intense as the pain....I cried every day....driving to and from work, tears would be streaming down my face.  The crazy thing was I didn't really know what I was crying about exactly.  Was it the unbearable pain? Maybe...but coupled with that was loneliness. I longed for someone to sit quietly with me, holding me gently, murmuring words of comfort....someone to give me emotional support. The weeping was just another indication of how hard it is to be alone especially when dealing with any kind of hardship.

The pain itself has begun to fade somewhat and that usually signals the fading of the depression.  But this time is different....the loneliness hasn't faded.  I am reminded that this may well be my state of being for the rest of my life.....and I don't like it.  My confession is that I would like to be a part of a couple who does things together....who has their own inside jokes....or special songs....or memories of special moments.....someone who is there for me as I am for him......unfortunately, I imagine that particular ship has sailed without me.

So....what happens next? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I will not stop living my life just because I make the journey alone....rather, I will work hard to adjust my thinking.....focusing on what I do have, not on what is not there. I've got to treasure those simple pleasures once more.....and make sure I do that every single day of the life I'm given.

 

My New Normal

Some days I wake up and think, "I don't know if I can do it."  Putting my feet on the floor and walking to the bathroom saps me and I know a pain flare is on its way. The way I deal with it has changed.  There have been times in my past when I have simply crawled back under the covers and cried as I waited for the talons of pain from the "fibro fiend" to grip me.  That doesn't happen as much anymore.

Today when I awoke it hurt to open my eyes and I thought, "oh crap!" But as I lay there,gathering strength, I decided "not today." I struggled up and began my getting ready routine.  It was hard. I'm not going to lie. But here I sit at work, pretending it is all good.  Maybe if I 'pretend' hard enough and long enough, the pain will pass. Maybe I can absorb all the laughter and smiles from my co-workers and students and it will cause a healing.  Maybe I'll wake up one morning and all will be normal.....

But I cannot wait for normalcy....I have to create my own normal...A normal that includes bouts with pain and the sometimes accompanying depression... a normal which means not always being able to make long range plans because I never know how much energy will be available to me....a normal which means possibly no one to share my life with because of the stress living with health issues can put on a personal relationship.  Those are the negatives in my normalcy....now lets talk about the positives.

In my normal I am thankful for every pain free moment.....I appreciate greatly every kindness shown to me....I have time to really pray for myself and others......I am learning new ways to express myself creatively....I have begun to put a greater value on the relationships I do have with others.....in my normal I have realized every moment is to be lived to its fullest potential not squandered in self-pity.  That is something I can do no matter how much pain I'm in....there is always good to be discovered if I only look hard enough.