Sense of Purpose and Self-Worth

As some of you know, the past several weeks have been difficult for me on so many levels....pain and depression dogging my steps daily. This past weekend I confessed to my daughter my sense of worthlessness, my feeling that my life lacked purpose.  And I did this knowing these feelings are coming from a darkness fed by my pain issues.....it isn't real or true or accurate.....there is just no strength within my self to fight it.

As so often happens when I find myself struggling with these issues, foundering in a once familiar dark place....God steps in and shines His Light so I can see more clearly. His encouragement comes in many forms....sometimes from people who aren't even aware that they are an instrument of God's Love. That has been the case the past week or so. Of course it took me a while to realize it....I can be thick headed at times.

The first incident took place during a discussion with a person whom I respect highly.  He was asking my feelings about changes he wanted to make in a film with which he is involved.  The reason he came to me was because, as he put it, "you're a writer and you would be able to tell if it makes sense." The fact that he considers me a "writer" sent a spark of happiness through me, because although I think of myself as a writer, it means something entirely different when someone else sees me as a writer!

Then yesterday a friend and former coworker dropped by school to see everyone.  We had the chance to visit over lunch which was really nice. She is a person I have always admired and respected.  In fact, I can remembering meeting her for the first time when she was my daughter's teacher and thinking how much I would enjoy having a friendship with her! Anyway, during the course of our visit yesterday, she mentioned that she enjoyed reading my 'ramblings." And being in the mood I've been in, I asked if she was saying that just because she was my friend or were my writings really any good?  She reassured me that the things I write about are enjoyable and encouraging....and that self same happy spark flared through me once more.

Because of the comments of two people whom I know in varying degrees, I felt my sense of purpose returning. God can use me just as He uses others....I am worthy of His love and in turn worthy to be His instrument.  Writing brings me such peace, such joy and knowing that God can also use it....well, that is just icing on the cake.

The Pleasures of Growing

What a long week! We had our annual testing marathon at school....the kids seemed relaxed and prepared.....the teachers seemed relieved for it all to be over.  Although we still have 9 official days left of this school year, plans are already in the works for the new school year!

I'm just ready for a break...some relaxation time....some mornings when I can sleep past 5 a.m. and slowly enjoy my morning coffee.  This summer I plan on doing lots of relaxing. However, I also want to do more writing....MoMe gave me a book about writing a novel which was put together by the people who do the Annual Novel Writing Month....and it has given me some great ways to organize my "novel" thoughts, so to speak.  Some of my time will be spent writing.  And some of my spare time will be spent developing my painting skills.....

My mural painting adventure is going rather well.  It has turned into a much bigger project than anticipated but I am having so much fun! I painted individual leaves for three solid hours and it felt like only moments...except for the fact, my feet were totally numb and I could hardly climb down off the scaffold.  There is still so much to do....But I can hardly wait. The funny thing is I have so many ideas in my head now....images to paint. And it doesn't even matter that I have no clue how to paint some of them....it will come to me.

It is so amazing to be my age....which according to my students ranges from 25(my favorite) to 87(not so favorite)....and still have the desire to learn new skills, have new adventures, travel to new places.  When I was oh so much younger, it would never have occurred to me that at my age I would feel this way.....but I do.  More importantly, I'm glad I do....because it means that my daily battles with pain have not slowed my desires to grow and learn and experience.....nor has it limited my belief that I can actually accomplish all these things!

It has been a long, somewhat stressful, and pain filled week.....but I have enjoyed it all.

Change of Plans

I had big plans for this 3 day weekend.....my best friend was coming in for the weekend and we were going to see a football game at the university which my youngest son attends. He also works as a videographer for the team....yes, I'm a proud mom! I was so looking forward to it.  Imagine my disappointment when a pain flare began early in the week and instead of fading managed to intensify. I held out hope until the last possible moment but finally had to call my son Friday and let him know because I knew he had to release the tickets in case some of the other filmers needed them.

I cried and cried.....it would have been my first chance to see Lewie since he left in July.....and I miss my boy....but I cried also because it was another reminder of how my life must be lived differently now. Pain and fatigue now dictate my schedule, my activities, everything. I now find myself seriously contemplating the kinds of jobs I can do based from home. If anyone has suggestions by all means, share them....I am open to any ideas.....within reason of course!

Despite being unable to make the trip to Auburn, my BFF was able to make a visit.  We laughed a lot....talked....commiserated....and generally had a good time.  We've been friends since we were in first grade which was a very, very long time ago.....I've often said she sometimes knows me better than I know myself! God blessed me richly when he placed her in my life. We discussed my health situation and came to the conclusion that God must be preparing me for something.....training me for something He has planned....or which He knows I must face. Doesn't matter....because I am willing to serve Him anyway He needs me.

MoMe (my BFF) thinks my writing will figure into it somehow....I hope so because writing has brought me much comfort through the years whether anyone else reads it or not. There was a time when my writing was 'taken' from me so to speak.....my private, intensely personal journals were read without my permission....my private thoughts were twisted and used to hurt me....it was as if I had been physically assaulted. At that time in my life when I needed the comfort of "talking" through the issues I was facing by writing.....I couldn't write a word. Talk about writer's block...sheesh! I thought I'd never feel free to express myself again.

Of course, MoMe stepped in and encouraged me to write at every opportunity.  She said she missed reading what I wrote.  So eventually I did begin to write again....only now my blog has taken the place of my journals.....and anyone can read my every thought.....nothing is too private or personal.  For one thing....God is the One who works through my 'issues' with me.....what is too personal or too private for anyone else to hear or read I whisper in God's ear......and He responds with the comfort I need.

Even though plans often change.....whether plans for a weekend or plans for life......I'm so thankful to have found that God's love is unchanging and always available.....because I have a feeling I'm going to need Him more now than ever.

Boo!

its been a while but now i'm back...scary thought! if i want to be a writer, then i should write daily. read somewhere that if writing is your chosen craft, then you should write at least 15 minutes daily on whatever subject pops into your head. sounds like the way i journal......anyway...maybe instead of writing with a pen or a pencil...or crayon if that's all that i have....i should journal here on my blog. no one reads it but me anyway!
sometimes i can be quite profound....well, in my world anyway! so my goal now is to blog/slash journal daily even if its nothing more than a list of crazy thoughts. who am i really writing for anyway? the answer would be......myself.