I first began this blog as a way to work through mental and emotional issues. For me, writing is like talking to a friend who always listens.....but doesn't necessarily respond. I wasn't always faithful to write regularly. This summer I've made a conscious effort to be more regular in my writing because now more than ever I need clarity and focus.
I feel that I've come along way since June in that I now like myself......which is a big deal for someone who never felt "good" enough or "successful" enough. That is not to say I think I'm perfect....not by a long shot. But...I can accept that I am a work in progress with faults and failings that only God can fix.
Most of my entries since June have included Scriptures, not because I am trying to "preach" to anyone. Rather, I want simply to share my journey to becoming the best person I can be......and for me that has meant looking to God for the strength and guidance to do so. If you've been touched in any way by the things I've shared, its because that is my prayer every time I write.....that God touches you, not my simple thoughts......because although you are reading about my journey...this is not about me.....this is about what God is doing in the life of someone who is willing to be obedient and eager to serve Him.
Life is never easy.....but.....it is so much better with a God who loves me despite my failings.....a God who helps me bear emotional pain....a God who wants only the best for His followers. I know that going back to work is going to be difficult so soon after surgery. I will be trusting God to give the extra measure of energy I know I'll need and if I know God, He's going to give me more than enough.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
He Cares
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares about you." I Peter 5:7
I spent today doing just that....giving all my anxiety to God. For some reason I felt overwhelmed by so much.....and by so many different things. The surgery was 2 weeks ago and I really thought I would have felt more energy than I do......and less pain. School begins Monday and I really need to feel better than I do today!
Today for the first time, I thought to myself, "I wonder if God ever tires of my weeping and whining to Him?" And I felt guilty for being so weak, for not being able to be strong, ........and many more negative thoughts kept on coming....and I felt like I was sliding into a place I never wanted to be in again. A place where I couldn't find anything about myself to like......a place where I couldn't imagine God being able to love someone like me.
But unlike times past, I stopped myself.....because God does love me. I turned to Scripture for the comfort I felt I needed and there was I Peter 5: 7...."Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares about you." There was the answer. No, God does not get tired of hearing me weeping and whining. It says in His Word I am to cast all my anxiety on Him. Not just a little bit once in a while....all of it!And I am to do this because He cares about me....not just sometimes....always.
I am working daily on becoming a better person.....on following God's guidance in all parts of my life. For too long I stumbled in darkness causing pain to myself and to people I love......but I'm not in that place anymore. I am content to lean on God...to wait patiently for His plan to unfold.....and to let Him love me.
I spent today doing just that....giving all my anxiety to God. For some reason I felt overwhelmed by so much.....and by so many different things. The surgery was 2 weeks ago and I really thought I would have felt more energy than I do......and less pain. School begins Monday and I really need to feel better than I do today!
Today for the first time, I thought to myself, "I wonder if God ever tires of my weeping and whining to Him?" And I felt guilty for being so weak, for not being able to be strong, ........and many more negative thoughts kept on coming....and I felt like I was sliding into a place I never wanted to be in again. A place where I couldn't find anything about myself to like......a place where I couldn't imagine God being able to love someone like me.
But unlike times past, I stopped myself.....because God does love me. I turned to Scripture for the comfort I felt I needed and there was I Peter 5: 7...."Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares about you." There was the answer. No, God does not get tired of hearing me weeping and whining. It says in His Word I am to cast all my anxiety on Him. Not just a little bit once in a while....all of it!And I am to do this because He cares about me....not just sometimes....always.
I am working daily on becoming a better person.....on following God's guidance in all parts of my life. For too long I stumbled in darkness causing pain to myself and to people I love......but I'm not in that place anymore. I am content to lean on God...to wait patiently for His plan to unfold.....and to let Him love me.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Success!
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I enjoy arts and crafts .....look in my closet and you will see numerous projects in various stages of completion. Some have been there longer than others but they will all eventually be completed. The good things about that are, I always have something enjoyable to work on and because my interests are varied, I'm always attempting to learn a new skill. On the other hand, not all my projects come out as they are intended because I've either lost the directions because its been so long since I worked on the project....or I'm too impatient to follow the directions correctly.
I'm the type of person who is always eager to learn new things and my mind is always racing with ideas. The problem is once I've implemented a plan...basically gotten things started....I'm ready to had the supervision over to someone else and move on to the next idea. Not a good habit to cultivate. And I realize that so I'm trying to change that part of my personality.
Instead of jumping into a project with both feet because it looks like fun......I'm determined to weigh the pros and cons.....decide if it is an idea that benefits others as well as myself......and make sure I'm willing to spend the time necessary to complete the project. The very first thing I'll do though is to pray about it.
That is the most important change in my approach to life. Short 30 second prayers were the way I handled things. My painful metamorphosis this summer has shown me that prayer really should be without ceasing.....a constant dialogue with God so that He can keep me on the right track. If nothing else, the change in the way I approach prayer has changed how I approach others things in my life.
"Many are the plans in the mind of man" or woman in my case. But my plans are secondary to the purpose of God. Prayer is teaching me to be patient....to talk to God about my ideas. My plans may sound brilliant to me but if they don't line up with what God's purpose is for me then they aren't worth the energy. Sometimes my plans and God's purpose do line up and when that happens...wow! Things are amazing! But sometimes they don't....and God helps me see that.....and usually I say to myself...."what was I thinking?"
God wants His children to succeed and that is part of His purpose for us. We just have to remind ourselves that God's idea of success and the world's idea of success are different. As for myself.....I choose the "perfect" success God has planned for me no matter what shape it takes.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I enjoy arts and crafts .....look in my closet and you will see numerous projects in various stages of completion. Some have been there longer than others but they will all eventually be completed. The good things about that are, I always have something enjoyable to work on and because my interests are varied, I'm always attempting to learn a new skill. On the other hand, not all my projects come out as they are intended because I've either lost the directions because its been so long since I worked on the project....or I'm too impatient to follow the directions correctly.
I'm the type of person who is always eager to learn new things and my mind is always racing with ideas. The problem is once I've implemented a plan...basically gotten things started....I'm ready to had the supervision over to someone else and move on to the next idea. Not a good habit to cultivate. And I realize that so I'm trying to change that part of my personality.
Instead of jumping into a project with both feet because it looks like fun......I'm determined to weigh the pros and cons.....decide if it is an idea that benefits others as well as myself......and make sure I'm willing to spend the time necessary to complete the project. The very first thing I'll do though is to pray about it.
That is the most important change in my approach to life. Short 30 second prayers were the way I handled things. My painful metamorphosis this summer has shown me that prayer really should be without ceasing.....a constant dialogue with God so that He can keep me on the right track. If nothing else, the change in the way I approach prayer has changed how I approach others things in my life.
"Many are the plans in the mind of man" or woman in my case. But my plans are secondary to the purpose of God. Prayer is teaching me to be patient....to talk to God about my ideas. My plans may sound brilliant to me but if they don't line up with what God's purpose is for me then they aren't worth the energy. Sometimes my plans and God's purpose do line up and when that happens...wow! Things are amazing! But sometimes they don't....and God helps me see that.....and usually I say to myself...."what was I thinking?"
God wants His children to succeed and that is part of His purpose for us. We just have to remind ourselves that God's idea of success and the world's idea of success are different. As for myself.....I choose the "perfect" success God has planned for me no matter what shape it takes.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Fulfilling God's Purpose
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." Psalm 138 : 8
Sitting here this morning, enjoying that first cup of coffee, watching the rain clouds gather as a tiny hummingbirds zips around the feeder I hung just for him........and it occurs to me, that I've had no human contact for nearly a week! No wonder I've felt a bit low. Of course, were I free to drive I would have gotten out of my apartment and done SOMETHING to allay this pressing loneliness.
Thank goodness for Facebook....at least I can play games, read the posts of friends (and comment when appropriate!) And I've used the time to pray....to read my Bible...to read others books I've had on my Kindle forever....to work on my drawings.....it isn't that I don't have anything to do. The point is I miss people... the exchange of ideas over a cup of coffee....the shared laughter....hugs of encouragement......all of that. Of course, once school begins next week there's no doubt I will be longing for these quiet times!
At any rate....as I sat here enjoying my "pity party," I remembered the above verse and I had to stop and look it up. And there it was.....another promise from the God who loves me unconditionally.
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me." Yes He has a purpose for a lonely middle-aged woman who lives alone and is currently recovering from thyroid surgery. This place I find myself in is only temporary.....and it is okay to feel sorry for myself and cry and wonder what comes next....but only for a little while. Because God has a purpose for me, a job He needs me to do and I won't let Him down.I don't have to know what it is yet because if it is God's plan for me then it is perfect. So for now, I will pray and meditate on His words and open my heart to His guidance and offer myself as a willing and obedient servant.
Why? Well, the next part of the verse sums it up for me.....
"...Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever." His love, His promises to His children never stop...if they do it is because we turn away from Him not because He forsakes us.....and even then, He is still waiting for us to come back. I know because I once turned away.....and when I hit bottom, there He was.....arms wide open and a smile of welcome on His face.
"Do not forsake the work of Your hands." I can assure you from my experience that He doesn't.....and that is a wonderful feeling.
Sitting here this morning, enjoying that first cup of coffee, watching the rain clouds gather as a tiny hummingbirds zips around the feeder I hung just for him........and it occurs to me, that I've had no human contact for nearly a week! No wonder I've felt a bit low. Of course, were I free to drive I would have gotten out of my apartment and done SOMETHING to allay this pressing loneliness.
Thank goodness for Facebook....at least I can play games, read the posts of friends (and comment when appropriate!) And I've used the time to pray....to read my Bible...to read others books I've had on my Kindle forever....to work on my drawings.....it isn't that I don't have anything to do. The point is I miss people... the exchange of ideas over a cup of coffee....the shared laughter....hugs of encouragement......all of that. Of course, once school begins next week there's no doubt I will be longing for these quiet times!
At any rate....as I sat here enjoying my "pity party," I remembered the above verse and I had to stop and look it up. And there it was.....another promise from the God who loves me unconditionally.
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me." Yes He has a purpose for a lonely middle-aged woman who lives alone and is currently recovering from thyroid surgery. This place I find myself in is only temporary.....and it is okay to feel sorry for myself and cry and wonder what comes next....but only for a little while. Because God has a purpose for me, a job He needs me to do and I won't let Him down.I don't have to know what it is yet because if it is God's plan for me then it is perfect. So for now, I will pray and meditate on His words and open my heart to His guidance and offer myself as a willing and obedient servant.
Why? Well, the next part of the verse sums it up for me.....
"...Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever." His love, His promises to His children never stop...if they do it is because we turn away from Him not because He forsakes us.....and even then, He is still waiting for us to come back. I know because I once turned away.....and when I hit bottom, there He was.....arms wide open and a smile of welcome on His face.
"Do not forsake the work of Your hands." I can assure you from my experience that He doesn't.....and that is a wonderful feeling.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
He Hears My Voice
"But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and noon I utter my complaint and moan and He hears my voice." Psalm 55:16-17
The past couple of days have been kind of rough. My surgery was less than 10 days ago and I'm not as far along in my recovery as I had hoped. I'm still dealing with pain issues coupled with increased itching along the incision. My mother says that means its healing.....I certainly hope so.
The biggest issue is the ban on driving! The fact that I am limited to this apartment with no human contact has brought on a bit of depression.....and I vented quite thoroughly about that to my best friend this afternoon. God bless her for her patience. After talking to her, I dried my tears and did what I should have done in the first place.
I talked to God......and I cried some more. But the bottom line is, I am really so blessed. Yes, I'm still experiencing discomfort from the surgery BUT there was no cancer! So I can't jump in the car and go somewhere.....there are lots of projects here at home to work on. No I don't have a 'special' someone.....but I am special to Someone and He created everything!
Believing in God doesn't mean every day is perfect nor does it mean I don't have low moments. The joy comes from knowing He hears me "evening and morning and noon." I can whine and moan...I can shout and scream....but I can also laugh......and sing for joy. I don't have to limit what or how I express myself to God. He loves me just as I am.....and as I grow spiritually, He will continue to love me and guide me and help me become who He planned me to be.
The past couple of days have been kind of rough. My surgery was less than 10 days ago and I'm not as far along in my recovery as I had hoped. I'm still dealing with pain issues coupled with increased itching along the incision. My mother says that means its healing.....I certainly hope so.
The biggest issue is the ban on driving! The fact that I am limited to this apartment with no human contact has brought on a bit of depression.....and I vented quite thoroughly about that to my best friend this afternoon. God bless her for her patience. After talking to her, I dried my tears and did what I should have done in the first place.
I talked to God......and I cried some more. But the bottom line is, I am really so blessed. Yes, I'm still experiencing discomfort from the surgery BUT there was no cancer! So I can't jump in the car and go somewhere.....there are lots of projects here at home to work on. No I don't have a 'special' someone.....but I am special to Someone and He created everything!
Believing in God doesn't mean every day is perfect nor does it mean I don't have low moments. The joy comes from knowing He hears me "evening and morning and noon." I can whine and moan...I can shout and scream....but I can also laugh......and sing for joy. I don't have to limit what or how I express myself to God. He loves me just as I am.....and as I grow spiritually, He will continue to love me and guide me and help me become who He planned me to be.
Friday, August 3, 2012
An Olympic Lesson
"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Cor. 10:31
Like so many I am staying up way past my normal bedtime in order to watch the Olympics. And it has been wonderful! Not because of the medal tally presented at the end of the evening but because of those glimpses of kindness between the competitors......Missy Franklin, knowing she was out of the medals in one race, turning with her bright smile to the gold medalist and giving her a big hug.....Michael Phelps after winning gold in the team medley, giving the credit to his teammates saying without the lead THEY gave him it might not have happened.
Truth be told those kinds of things are why I watch sports......yes I have favorite teams....War Eagle!...Go Braves! But I like to see the way the athletes interact....see how the old timers encourage the rookies.....see how much fun they have with each other. I watch to see how these athletes who so many look up to as heroes behave as human beings. Because whether they want the responsibility or not, their behaviour does influence our younger generation.
Last night I felt a bright flash of hope for the generations to come. After winning all around gold in women's gymnastics, American Gabby Douglas explained how she got it done......"Its a win-win. The glory goes up to God and the blessings come down to me,".....simply and eloquently put.....and a reminder to us all.
"......whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." No exceptions. As I go through my day I need to remember that verse......my behaviour in whatever situation, my thoughts, my actions,.....all must be accomplished in such a way that God is glorified. What a responsibility! No wonder we are admonished to 'pray without ceasing!' I need God's strength...God's peace...God's grace...God's love...to make sure all I do brings God glory. You know what? I have all those things...just by saying His name. Thank you God for loving me so much..........help me to love those around me in the same way.
Like so many I am staying up way past my normal bedtime in order to watch the Olympics. And it has been wonderful! Not because of the medal tally presented at the end of the evening but because of those glimpses of kindness between the competitors......Missy Franklin, knowing she was out of the medals in one race, turning with her bright smile to the gold medalist and giving her a big hug.....Michael Phelps after winning gold in the team medley, giving the credit to his teammates saying without the lead THEY gave him it might not have happened.
Truth be told those kinds of things are why I watch sports......yes I have favorite teams....War Eagle!...Go Braves! But I like to see the way the athletes interact....see how the old timers encourage the rookies.....see how much fun they have with each other. I watch to see how these athletes who so many look up to as heroes behave as human beings. Because whether they want the responsibility or not, their behaviour does influence our younger generation.
Last night I felt a bright flash of hope for the generations to come. After winning all around gold in women's gymnastics, American Gabby Douglas explained how she got it done......"Its a win-win. The glory goes up to God and the blessings come down to me,".....simply and eloquently put.....and a reminder to us all.
"......whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." No exceptions. As I go through my day I need to remember that verse......my behaviour in whatever situation, my thoughts, my actions,.....all must be accomplished in such a way that God is glorified. What a responsibility! No wonder we are admonished to 'pray without ceasing!' I need God's strength...God's peace...God's grace...God's love...to make sure all I do brings God glory. You know what? I have all those things...just by saying His name. Thank you God for loving me so much..........help me to love those around me in the same way.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Hello God...It's Me Again
"And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forgotten those who seek you." Psalm 9 : 10
I heard a sermon once on all the names of God, each one reflecting an aspect of His personality. Although I found it interesting at the time, I have to confess I don't remember all His names. For me, to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that He is God is all I need. When I pray I don't stop to analyze which part of God I want to hear my prayers.......I want all of Him to hear and respond!
Which reminds me of a study I tried to participate in many, many years ago.....How to Pray. Before beginning the study I had no idea there were RULES about praying! I was dumbfounded...and a bit concerned. I had been praying for years and was finding out I had been doing it all wrong! Unfortunately, the "rules" I was being taught did not make my prayers more effective nor did it make me a more efficient pray-er. Instead it turned my prayer time into a trainwreck of trying to decide which part of God needed to hear which prayer....and which of His names I needed to use to insure that a particular prayer went to the right part of God..........after a few dismal attempts I quit praying...at all...for a very long time.
Thankfully, I forgot all those "rules" and realized that I knew the name of God I needed to use when I needed to talk to Him. Because that is what my prayer time is like....talking to my very best friend. I'm not always on my knees when I pray. Sometimes I am pacing around my apartment talking to the ceiling and gesturing wildly (we Italians do so like to talk with our hands!)....sometimes I'm sitting on the porch enjoying a beautiful sunrise and telling God what an awesome job He did when He made it.........and sometimes, especially lately, I have literally been on my face before Him crying out in my desire to understand why things had to happen a particular way...pleading with Him to make feelings go away.................and do you know what I call Him then? Father.
I call Him Father...and like a good Father I can almost hear Him saying,"Hush now...it's going to be fine....I know you don't see it but I promise you will one day....I'm going take care of you so don't fret......go ahead and cry because sometimes that's all you need is a good cry....." and you know what? He's right.....every single time.
There is so much comfort in the fact I don't have to know all His Names......when I seek Him, He knows which part of Him I need and that is Who responds! All I have to do is seek Him....call out and He hears me......and if I can be patient, He will take care of everything.....perfectly!
I heard a sermon once on all the names of God, each one reflecting an aspect of His personality. Although I found it interesting at the time, I have to confess I don't remember all His names. For me, to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that He is God is all I need. When I pray I don't stop to analyze which part of God I want to hear my prayers.......I want all of Him to hear and respond!
Which reminds me of a study I tried to participate in many, many years ago.....How to Pray. Before beginning the study I had no idea there were RULES about praying! I was dumbfounded...and a bit concerned. I had been praying for years and was finding out I had been doing it all wrong! Unfortunately, the "rules" I was being taught did not make my prayers more effective nor did it make me a more efficient pray-er. Instead it turned my prayer time into a trainwreck of trying to decide which part of God needed to hear which prayer....and which of His names I needed to use to insure that a particular prayer went to the right part of God..........after a few dismal attempts I quit praying...at all...for a very long time.
Thankfully, I forgot all those "rules" and realized that I knew the name of God I needed to use when I needed to talk to Him. Because that is what my prayer time is like....talking to my very best friend. I'm not always on my knees when I pray. Sometimes I am pacing around my apartment talking to the ceiling and gesturing wildly (we Italians do so like to talk with our hands!)....sometimes I'm sitting on the porch enjoying a beautiful sunrise and telling God what an awesome job He did when He made it.........and sometimes, especially lately, I have literally been on my face before Him crying out in my desire to understand why things had to happen a particular way...pleading with Him to make feelings go away.................and do you know what I call Him then? Father.
I call Him Father...and like a good Father I can almost hear Him saying,"Hush now...it's going to be fine....I know you don't see it but I promise you will one day....I'm going take care of you so don't fret......go ahead and cry because sometimes that's all you need is a good cry....." and you know what? He's right.....every single time.
There is so much comfort in the fact I don't have to know all His Names......when I seek Him, He knows which part of Him I need and that is Who responds! All I have to do is seek Him....call out and He hears me......and if I can be patient, He will take care of everything.....perfectly!
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