God Steps In.....Again

As I've gone through life, there have been an innumerable times when I've wondered about what I should be doing with my life....or if I am in the right career.....or how nice it would be to be able to support myself doing something I enjoy on a daily basis....although I know without any doubt, I cannot be paid for sitting around drinking coffee or wine with friends while we discuss favorite books or movies or the state of the world in which we live. For the past sixteen years, I've been in a job which I love or hate depending on the state of affairs....and there have been times when I've asked God why am I here?

Its no secret that I have tried to get a job as a teacher of English/Language Arts....have interviewed for countless positions, not only here in the town in which I live....but further afield.  And I've come home from most feeling as if I might actually be hired.....then wasn't.  So I've continued as an "instructional paraprofessional" read teacher's aide at the same elementary school. Those are the times I'd wonder if I'm in the right profession.....at times I've even wondered if I had myself fooled and I wasn't that good at what I do. But no matter, I've always tried to do it to the best of my abilities and to always put the needs of my students at the forefront..........even when I feel the most negative about myself and my capabilities.

Of course, that is when God steps in and helps me realign my thinking, my perceptions, my attitude to be more in tune with how, I think, He wants me to see my self and my place in His Plan. This week was a perfect example.  My schedule had been changed....yet again....and I'd been moved into a different classroom. Mixed feelings about the transition because I felt I was beginning to make some real progress with the students in the other class and wasn't sure exactly what my role would be in the new class...and I began to think, "have I been moved because I'm not doing a good job?"...yes, I still struggle with self-esteem issues. Anyway.......

The new class is a third grade reading class filled with 8 and 9 year olds, most of whom I've worked with at some time or another during my tenure at PES.  Like all children, some are sweethearts and others can be real stinkers at times....but each one is unique. On the day in question, the students were a bit lively but basically well-behaved.  The teacher was leading a discussion on their vocabulary words for the week with the word in question being, "talent." I was seated at a table working on some assessments, not really listening, my mind wandering.

At the beginning, the class felt that a 'talent' must be something to do with singing, dancing, drawing, etc. They were made aware that a talent encompasses so much more and were then asked could one help others by using their individual talent and if so, give an example.

 This is when God stepped in and humbled me and reminded me how He uses those who love Him.....using the words and thoughts of a bunch of rowdy third graders. From my seat at the work table, I began to hear:

"Ms. Thompson uses her readin' talent to make books come alive for us.....Ms. Thompson draws good so she can help us know what stuff looks like if we ain't seen it.....When Ms. Thompson sings I feel like I want to sing with her......" and it went on and on as I sat there with my mouth hanging open and tears in my eyes.  When had this become a discussion about Ms. Thompson? Probably about the same time God decided to show me I am exactly where I need to be, where He wants me to be......

One final child raised her hand and spoke, "Yeah Ms. Thompson does that stuff but her real talent is making us all feel loved no matter what." Frankly, if I could only do one thing reasonably well.....then making someone feel loved is the talent I'd want.

  That's the comment that meant the most because that's how I feel about God, He finds a way to make me feel loved.....no matter what.

After the Wedding

My precious daughter became a wife nearly two and a half weeks ago. I've opened my laptop to write about the event every day since then.....only to stop. Why have I found it so difficult to write about? It certainly isn't because she was a "Bridezilla" nor did everything go horribly wrong.....in fact, the bride herself said it was the wedding and reception she had imagined.  High praise indeed...because it was simple and quietly elegant with everyone focused on a young couple so happily in love that they glowed.

So why the hesitancy to write about it?

Today I realized it has been because I'm caught in a place of transition....trying to figure out what my role...my place in my daughter's life will be.  Up until about two years ago, we shared a rocky relationship....with my choices, my opinions, my feelings always being somehow not quite right. But I think I'm due a little credit for the fact I never quit trying to have a good relationship with my only daughter....and the persistence paid off.  We gradually began enjoying our time together....wanting to spend time talking and visiting rather than being in that situation of " I'm only here because I feel obligated to spend time with you."

And over the course of her engagement, I felt we moved beyond a mother/daughter relationship and added friendship to the equation. I enjoyed every hectic, worrying moment of helping her put together her Dream Wedding....and I knew my role...Mother of the Bride. But now...what do I become? Whatever she needs me to be....and will do so happily. For now I'll just smile every time she says, "my husband," knowing how long she waited to say those words and how gloriously happy she is.

As for 'her husband,' I love him and call him my son 3.0....

Happy Christmas!

As I sit quietly sipping my morning coffee, fingers of sunlight stretch over frost glistened roof tops....I imagine squeals of excitement as children spy beneath the tree unimagined gifts from that jolly old elf himself. And I remember Christmases long past stretching all the way back to my childhood...each memory warms my heart.

When my children were small, I tried so hard to make each Christmas magical for them...so much so, that by the time Christmas morn dawned I was a frazzled mass of nerves.  If I had only known what I know now!

 We had our own traditions for the Yuletide season....the children opened their first gift the night we put up our tree and it was always an ornament chosen with much love to reflect some aspect of their personalities....after Christmas these ornaments were packed into their personal Christmas box, destined one day to decorate their own holiday tree.  On Christmas Eve, we joined the aunts and uncles on their father's side of the family at GranGran's house....the table groaned with all the holiday foods traditional to the South.....turkey and dressing, ham, ladyfinger peas, Aunt Vickie's delicious white corn casserole, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, and I won't even list the desserts.

Of course, the children hardly ate a bite so intent were they on the gifts piled beneath the tree. Their father and his brothers regaled us with tales of their childhood....sometimes all talking at the same time....in fact, we once set up a video camera to capture the scene.  Upon later viewing, we realized that everyone was talking at the same time and we couldn't figure out who was listening! Eventually gifts were exchanged and much laughter ensued.  Here there were traditions as well....someone in the family was going to receive a frozen fruitcake....which they were pass on to some one else the next Christmas....and yes, I believe that same fruitcake is still being bestowed upon some lucky soul....if not mistaken, the cake has been passed around for the past ten years....never opened or tasted....just re wrapped and re gifted.  There is also a mismatched pair of male socks which is re gifted among the men in the family.

Christmas morning dawned so early! Our rule was no one got up until they smelled the coffee brewing and the Sister Schubert's sausage rolls cooking....then and only then could the children make a mad dash for their stockings.  One never knew what kind of craziness Santa had placed in the stockings.....I think at times the children enjoyed the stocking stuff more than what was under the tree.

Then there was the mad dash to get everything and everyone ready for our Christmas celebration at my parents'. Once again we stuffed ourselves with yummy food and then on to the pile of presents.  Of course, that particular part of the day was not without its pitfalls...I remember one Christmas when the pet dachshund had climbed over the gifts, knocking tags off.  My mother quickly replaced the tags on what she was sure were the correct gifts....imagine our surprise when my husband opened his gift to find several pairs of lacy ladies underpants! It was our first married Christmas...welcome to the family!

Traditions are wonderful things until the maintaining of those traditions makes one lose sight of the really important things....time spent with the ones you love and cherish.  My advice to those who wear themselves out physically, mentally and financially trying to make a 'perfect' Christmas for everyone...stop it! Quiet moments spent watching old Christmas movies....or making a batch of favorite cookies....stretching out on the floor with your child marveling at the lovely Christmas tree....these are the times that matter.  If you aren't enjoying these moments, then it is time to give your idea of a 'perfect' Christmas an overhaul.

That being said, Merry Christmas.....slow down and enjoy it.

Great To Be An Auburn Tiger

War Eagle! War Eagle! War Eagle! Who would have believed it? Even as die hard a fan as myself would never have believed my Auburn Tigers would have climbed so far in just one year's time...but they have done it....and as I have always said, it is great to be an Auburn Tiger!

Sports writers across the country are calling them a "team of destiny," but that is not what I see....instead, I see a group of young men who have come together as a 'band of brothers' if you will.  They have become family....a family that works and plays together.....sticks together through the bad, remember last year?...and strives to be better.....and it has paid off. This year they are playing for a National Championship title.

Each week, each game this season, I enjoyed watching the camaraderie grow and develop. Yes, they became better as a football team, but I enjoyed seeing the encouragement these young men gave one another.  It was a lesson to me....no matter how tough things get, encourage the people around you...and life gets better. I liked knowing that these young men had also learned that working hard pays off.....that success depends on a strong work ethic....not on hand outs.

So, I'm proud of these Auburn Tigers....but not just because of their winning season....but because they never gave up....

It is a reminder to me that when my life seems to be imploding, I should NOT give up.....continuing to work hard, staying on track, listening to my 'Coach' who has my life game all planned out, will eventually bring good into my life......

My New Motto

Thanksgiving morning! So many memories....so much to be thankful for....and a decision made, to live thankfully every day!

This month I have seen many friends on Facebook posting daily the things for which they are thankful.  Reading them was a reminder of all the blessings one can be touched by....and also, a list of the ways one can spread the kindness. Now, more than at any other time, I see a pressing need for all of us to reach out in love, in kindness, in friendship to the people who are cohabitants of this planet with us!

There is a saying, "good things come to those who wait," which I've decided to change a bit....in order to fit the way I want to live.

"Goodness comes to those who wait for God's plan to unfold...."

The past several years have been filled with lessons for me from a God who has proved over and over again how much He loves me.  To be honest I've not always 'waited' patiently for His plan to unfold...but I'm beginning to see how much better it works when I do! For example.....

My relationship with my daughter has always, always, been a tempestuous one! And after my divorce, it became even more difficult.  As I've said before, there were times when I doubted we would ever share the kind of relationship I have always craved.  Well, guess what?! My 'baby girl' spent the night with me last night....and we've spent this morning laughing, drinking coffee, and preparing food to take to my parents' Thanksgiving dinner.  I had a chance to share family recipes and cooking 'secrets' with my soon to be married daughter....and it made my heart so glad!

Many sleepless nights filled with tearful prayers coupled with a loving, caring God have brought me what I so wanted.....a sharing, caring relationship with my only daughter. So my new motto is true and works for me.....

"Goodness comes to those who wait for God's plan to unfold....." especially because I know that God is always with me, even when I'm impatient.......but I'm getting better.

A New Focus

Since my last post, I have tried to view people and situations from a more positive slant.  It has truly helped.  And I have been witness to several "mini miracles," which helped boost my morale....which in turn made it easier to go to work.

And like I've said before, blessings take many sizes, shapes and forms! Quite a few this week have come in the form of First and Sixth Grade students who attend a peer tutoring group I'm in charge of and which meets every morning before school at 7:15. A group of our Sixth Grade Beta Club students serve as mentors and tutors to ten struggling EL students. I have been impressed with the enthusiasm and dedication the Beta members have shown toward the task. They have taken to heart the idea that they are role models to these younger students and show up every morning eager to work.

As for the First graders....at firs,t there was hesitancy on their part.  After all, Sixth graders can be awfully tall and sometimes communication is difficult because of language barriers; however, smiles and high fives can say a lot. It has been amazing to watch the friendship and trust grow between the two groups. Some of the young ones who, at first, wouldn't say a single word can now be observed chatting happily with their mentors.....some have gone from knowing less than five sight words to being able to recognize nearly 100! The growth of self confidence in these sweet children is heart warming.

I must confess that when asked to head up this program and to change the focus of my job from assisting in writing instruction to targeting At-Risk EL students, I was less than enthusiastic. Quite honestly, the resentment was my way of handling the rapid fire changes going on around me...I felt that I was being punished....for what, I don't know....and pulled away from the thing I enjoyed the most....which was encouraging students to embrace writing as a means of self expression.

But you know what? Those changes came from my God, who knew there was a need somewhere else and that He wanted me to be part of meeting the need.  My anger was born of focusing on what I wanted rather than what God wanted for me. And He always knows what is best. Because, after all is said and done....it is His Plan.

So, now I am beginning to look forward to getting to work each morning....who wouldn't when there are 10 little six year olds waiting with big smiles and lots of hugs eager to hold my hand as we walk toward our room? It gets even better when the "big kids" greet their little buddies and the fun begins....yes, I said fun. Because to all of them, learning has become something to be enjoyed and shared.

Yep, God has a Plan and when I manage to stumble back onto the right track....life is good.

Changes

I've been away from the blog far too long and for that I apologize.  Changes affect people in different ways.....for me, as long as they don't come at me all at once I can assimilate and move on.  Otherwise, I am an emotional wreck and prefer to withdraw from everyone and everything...including my writing. Hence my absence.

As with many changes, these have been beyond my control and are all work related. Without going into detail, suffice it to say there have been lots of changes and they've all come at a machine gun pace....with more changes promised.  Morale among the staff is at an all time low and the demands on our time have grown.  Our focus has always been to meet the needs of our students academically with a lot of love and hugs thrown in.  It still is.

My biggest fear is that the stress and turmoil is wreaking havoc on my health and that I will eventually lose my job because of it. I am reminding myself moment by moment that no matter what happens, God is watching out for me. He is going to meet my needs....not wants, needs.  I have only to trust in His promise.

Some moments I want to rant and rave and shake my fist at the Heavens because fear of what may happen overtakes me. Then I remember, it is during times like these that miracles happen...and a sense of anticipation fills my heart and I think, "What is God going to do now?"

Rather than focusing on the negative emotions, I need to actively look for the bright moments, the silver linings, the tiny miracles.....all those instances which cause light to pierce the darkness I've pulled around myself.....my life is meant to be lived in love, understanding, peace, joy....all those emotions which bind us together rather than push us apart. Pray for me to have the strength to live that way daily.