Life Goes On....Finally

Here we go....

It has been months since I last wrote. The reason? Nothing specific I think. Simply a change I was unprepared for coming at a time when I was least able to handle it.  The funny thing was I had no idea how woefully unprepared I was. My faith has always stood me in good stead and as always I clung to the lifeline trusting in God has been to me. Unfortunately I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the morass of self pity in which I found myself.

Writing through my problems was how I dealt with a multitude of issues through the years going back to seventh grade. I wrote through teenage angst, through raising my children, through my health issues, through the aftermath of my divorce but not this. For I was afraid of what my ramblings might reveal about my feelings toward others and toward my self. And I did not want to share the bitterness I felt at that moment.

There were days when I sat at my computer staring at a blank screen wanting to write, to share, to expose what I was feeling. In the end I simply could not do it. Looking back it was probably for the best. Because of that heartfelt reticence I believe God was able to work a powerful healing of my spirit, my heart. In the past, writing and sharing helped me understand why I was feeling the emotions I felt. And in understanding why, I could move past it and get on with life.

The only way I could move past my hurt and my bitterness was to talk it through with God. He in His wisdom and His Love for me as one of His children, made me truly see those parts of me which needed to be changed. My first step in His healing process was to accept that the change in my situation was part of God's plan for my life. Honestly that acceptance was really hard. But after several months of prayer, God convinced me. Then I had to, at least in my heart, forgive the people whom I felt played a part in the upsetting of my apple cart. That was a doozy too. But I did it.

It has been a daily struggle and quite frankly, it will always be a struggle. How do I deal with the temptation to react with the same bitterness and anger I felt toward so many when I was transferred from a job, a school, the students I'd loved for 16 years? I say a very simple prayer, a mantra some would call it......"I only need You Lord, only You." Those words calm me, focus me, remind me of Whose child I am. And that knowledge feels so good.

Day By Day Changes

A precious friend recommended I buy Beth Moore's book, Praying God's Word Day By Day, and use it as a guide on my journey back into God's Word.  Best money I've ever spent! It has been so long since I've looked to Scripture for comfort, for strength, for hope, for guidance.......for anything!

The first day I was comforted to find that God calls me by name!(Isaiah 43:1-4)  For one who's felt unworthy for so long being reminded that the Divine Creator calls me by name was cause for rejoicing.  I confess that it is still a struggle for me to like who I am...but I'm working on it.

Each day I've found verses which speak directly to my heart!  Today was no exception. The passage was I Peter 3:8-9 and it was a reminder to be compassionate and loving regardless of how I feel about the way I've been treated. Why? Because of the Blood Jesus shed for my forgiveness I owe it to others.  That's been hard for me.

My heart and my feelings were recently hurt very badly by someone I trusted, someone I never thought would be dishonest with me.  I thought I'd forgiven this person but obviously not because I wanted them to feel the same pain they'd caused me.....that isn't forgiveness is it?  That's why those verses spoke to my heart today.

How can I not forgive when God has forgiven so much in me?  How can can I grow beyond that "old me" if I hold on to that pain and hurt?  I can't. So I faced God and told Him I do forgive the person who hurt me.  I still find it hard to understand why it happened....but I guess it isn't for me to know right now.

Don't think it's been easy because it's not.  But every time an unkind thought creeps in, I ask God to take it and turn it into a prayer for the one who caused my pain. I've been praying that prayer alot today!!  But the thoughts are coming less frequently and so are my tears. It is another reminder that I can't change on my own.....God will need to guide my every step. And I know He will.
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Two Steps Forward and One Step Back or Life's a Dance

Because of the unexpected appearance of a summer cold, I've had a lot of time to think today while stretched out on the couch, drinking hot tea and blowing my nose!

I've reflected on the events of the past two weeks.  From the starting point of realizing my life as I had known it was over....two steps forward were 1.)accepting that fact 2.)changing the way I had approached life. One step back.....thinking about all the pain I'd caused people I cared about and wondering how they could ever forgive me.

Forward again....going to the people I'd hurt and accepting responsibility fot the pain my actions had caused and then asking for forgiveness.  That was so hard, so humbling, so necessary to my healing.....listening to God and having to find the courage to do what He told me.  Backing up.....holding on to the self pity and weeping for myself.

And so it has gone....and everytime, every step, whether forward or back....God has been with me.  He sends encouragement through the Scriptures, through faithful Christians, through music......He truly is in everything!  We just have to take our hands away from our eyes and look.

At this moment, I'm in forward mode.  I know, however, that there will be moments when I move back because I am human and have bad habits to shed.  I also have the assurance that God will be there to move me forward again.

Forward and back, forward and back...... life is a little bit like a dance.  Thank goodness God knows how to lead beautifully!

Forgiveness

The hardest thing for people to do is take responsibility for their actions and the subsequent consequences.  At least, for me. 

I somehow found the courage to go to people I know have been hurt, deeply, by my actions and to ask for their forgiveness.  Do you know how hard it is to admit I have been  such a self-centered deluded coward?  Difficult does not begin to describe.

To humble myself in that way was to risk dredging up the hurt all over again for all involved.  But it was what God had put in my heart to do...so I put on my big girl pants and did it.  Knowing that God had already forgiven me for those actions made it a tiny bit easier.  The hardest part was forgiving myself, something at which I'm NOT good.  The people I spoke with were understanding and some did forgive me  though some did not.  That's alright too.  Because that is their right.

The thing is I am determined to be the woman God means for me to be, no matter how difficult that path is. My job now is to wait and pray, study God's Word, surround myself with Godly people in order to become spiritually strong.

And while I do those things, I will love my friends for all they are to me, love my children for who they are becoming, and love myself....because God loved me first!