Silver Linings

So.....here it is another day.  The goal  for today is to find at least one good thing in this chaos I call my life.

  My daughter and I had a long overdue heart to heart.....that is my good thing today.  Though I think it may have only served to confirm that her mother is out of her fricking mind!

But at least she knows now that I am trying to come to terms with the fact I don't know who or what I am.. or even what my purpose is....that my self-doubts now have me paralyzed to the point I REALLY need guidance to make it through.  And she's willing to step in and help me through it.

I also realized today the only concept of "love" I know to be good and pure and honest is the love I have for my children.  That knowledge is concrete in my mind and perhaps is the cornerstone I need to use to begin building who I am supposed to be.

I can only hope......and maybe that is a good place to start...with hope. 

Moving Forward

It is hard but I'm still inching forward....crawling rather than walking at times....but forward at any speed is good right?  Managed to make it through this morning with only one teeny crying spell. 

However, right now, I feel an impending panic attack and am doing all I can not to give in.  Anger is welling up and the need to cause pain or destruction is racing through my body.  Taking deep breathes and trying to remember my mantra="I will survive this." Hurting myself will not make this right....saving whats left of myself will.

I will survive this i will survive this i will survive this

One Step at a Time-2

Trying to sort through my emotions and hitting roadblocks to clarity.  I know weariness clouds my reasoning and judgement but can't seem to sleep enough to banish the lack of energy.  Xanax and Ambien allow me about two hours of oblivion and then I'm awake to once again wrestle with the dark thoughts.

Sometimes the anger, the rage I feel frightens me......at those moments I want only to destroy anything and everything around me.....to kill whatever is within me that allows me to feel.  Numbness seems to be the only path to coping.

Then grief takes over and i am once again drowning in a lake of self-recriminations. 

However...........those times are growing further apart.......I am taking tiny though very difficult steps toward a clearer path.  I will allow myself to grieve but will not allow myself to stand still and build a wall of pain around my life. I will see the rage for what it is...a natural part of my healing process.

There is a door at the end of the dark hallway I find myself in.  I'm making my way toward it.....hoping that when I get to it I will have the courage to open it and find my way to myself.

One Step at a Time

Made it through today with only one major panic attack which I forestalled somewhat with half a Xanax......progress for me. 

Trying to work through all the emotions while keeping a lid on the sudden flahes of anger and rage roaring  through my heart and mind is wearing me out.  Just taking one breath after another is tiring. 

Sleep alludes me...a xanax and an ambien equals two hours sleep before I wake to greet the dark thoughts which haunt me.  My own personal dragons....poor self-esteem, doubt, shame, worthlessness to name a few...rant and rale and hurl recriminations........."if only I'd been smarter....or prettier....or more intriguing....or had a better body"........you're not good enough, you're not good enough....on and on it goes.......

And in my weariness it is all too easy to believe.....

So I take one step......and drop one bright and shining thought into the lake of darkness I find myself drowning in......."you are caring"......the ripples move out growing and spreading......."you are nurturing"...more ripples......"you are giving".......as the ripples grow so does the light....pushing back the darkness at least for a while......

I seek peace as I contemplate the next step toward a new path.

Back in the Pit One More Time

After two years of thinking I had myself, my life together....I find that I haven't learned my lessons very well.  Being too trusting, too giving, too loving, too every good attribute I could try to possess has once again landed me back where I was at the end of my marriage.....a victim of manipulation and a delusional reality. 

It's so much harder this time to put the pieces of me back because I know longer trust my judgement.....what is true?what is good?what is right? Throwing away all my perceptions of goodness, love, honesty seems my safest bet.......putting up that wall that protected me for 30 years makes the most sense............because I can hide behind the wall and no one will know that "I" don't really exist......and I can safely move through life without ever having to invest any of my "self" in any one again.

All that and finding myself facing the spectre of the "Big C" all at once....how lucky am I? Friends keep telling me its all gonna work out, its all gonna make me stronger, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, etc. I don't think they know how weary I am.....exactly how big a toll this past 6 months has taken on me.................there is nothing left. I'm hanging on by a micro thin hair.

And though there are friends and family who love and care and support all surrounding me.......i am alone at the center.....having to decide whether to jump of the cliff or climb over the mountain.  Only time will tell.

School's Out for the....what? its Not??

June 1 and we are still in school.  There is just something not right about that.  The students are not interested in anything remotely educational and absentees grow every day.  Everyone, including teachers and staff, are whiny and irritable and no fun to be around.  WE NEED A BREAK!!!!

Update

haven't met my goal of blogging daily.....never seems to be enough time....and when there is it seems as if i have no words to share! life just keeps happening whether i am an active participant or not.

my daughter graduated from college two days ago and i of course feel a mother's pride. in some ways i envy her new beginnings and the opportunities which await her. it is easy somedays to think my days of adventure and opportunity are waning....but they really aren't. each day which greets me holds so much promise. the hard part is taking that first step to what lies ahead. although we are only guaranteed the moment we are in, i can move forward to the moment just ahead. to stop and wait for life to happen seems to be the easy way. granted i need to stop and rest at times, to ponder those things which have happened, to savor the good and learn from the bad.....but only i can make my dreams come true. if my happiness is my responsibility so too is my future. there is room for inaction and action, i simply have to decide when each is appropriate.