Out of the Darkness

It is hard for me to fathom that just a week ago I was plunged so deep into the darkness of self-doubt and self-loathing that I truly felt my life held no purpose, no meaning. I confess that the last 5 years I was wandering through a Hell of my own creation without any sort of spiritual compass to guide me.  Let me rephrase, I had dropped a perfectly fine well working Compass in my self delusion and could no longer find it!  I kept picking up "maps," and "guidebooks," and listening to the advice of "travelers" who were just as lost as I was.  Believe me, it only served to lead me deeper into the desert.

I never stopped praying but to me those prayers seemed futile.  The people who honestly loved and cared for me kept sending up 'flares' but not only was I stumbling around in darkness but I had my hands over my eyes! I had become the poster child for self deluded people who wouldn't know Truth if it popped up and bit them on the behind! Seriously! I would have fared better had I popped in some earplugs.

Why? You may be asking. Because at that point, two years ago, a well practiced Deceiver stepped in to "rescue" me from myself. And in the weariness of my personal struggle, I grabbed the 'lifeline' I'd been tossed and allowed myself to pulled into the Grand Deception.  For a while I listened and thought I had finally found a way to begin loving myself.  Problem was, since I still had my hands over my eyes I couldn't see that I was out of the desert but now I was in a dark AND slimy labyrinth-like cave.And with NO flashlight!

Flash forward to one week ago. Thanks to the lies and deceptions of my 'rescuer' I now had layer upon layer of self-loathing and was so mired in the muck of the cave in which I'd imprisoned myself that I saw no reason to keep living....I was lower than I had ever been and couldn't even lift my head to look up...even with my hands still over my eyes!

That's when God said, "ENOUGH!"  He sent warrior angels in the form of three precious friends who stepped in and fought for the good they knew still lived in me....they poured words of encouragement into my ears and tried to pull my hands off my eyes. He sent a prayer warrior of tiny stature and mighty faith to pray over me and for me.........and God pulled my hands away and said, "See My Light and live!"

Sounds dramatic and it was!  If you've ever been in the kind of Stygian darkness I was in, any light, even the tiny flame of a match seems like a Sun.  Imagine the Light produced by the Master and Creator of all that is.  Yeah I should have been blinded but I wasn't...because for me the Light burned the darkness from within me and from around me and cradled me in a warm nurturing Love.

Since then God has been working and blessing me and making changes in me.  He's used His willing servants to comfort me and encourage me with their words, their thoughts, their prayers.  For the first time in my life I feel free of the bondage darkness brings.  I can say with truth and conviction that I do have good in me, I am capable of loving and being loved, I do have gifts God can and will use......

I have found my Compass again and the path I see is paved in peace, joy and the Love of God......He has made me worthy.

Silver Linings

So.....here it is another day.  The goal  for today is to find at least one good thing in this chaos I call my life.

  My daughter and I had a long overdue heart to heart.....that is my good thing today.  Though I think it may have only served to confirm that her mother is out of her fricking mind!

But at least she knows now that I am trying to come to terms with the fact I don't know who or what I am.. or even what my purpose is....that my self-doubts now have me paralyzed to the point I REALLY need guidance to make it through.  And she's willing to step in and help me through it.

I also realized today the only concept of "love" I know to be good and pure and honest is the love I have for my children.  That knowledge is concrete in my mind and perhaps is the cornerstone I need to use to begin building who I am supposed to be.

I can only hope......and maybe that is a good place to start...with hope. 

Moving Forward

It is hard but I'm still inching forward....crawling rather than walking at times....but forward at any speed is good right?  Managed to make it through this morning with only one teeny crying spell. 

However, right now, I feel an impending panic attack and am doing all I can not to give in.  Anger is welling up and the need to cause pain or destruction is racing through my body.  Taking deep breathes and trying to remember my mantra="I will survive this." Hurting myself will not make this right....saving whats left of myself will.

I will survive this i will survive this i will survive this

One Step at a Time-2

Trying to sort through my emotions and hitting roadblocks to clarity.  I know weariness clouds my reasoning and judgement but can't seem to sleep enough to banish the lack of energy.  Xanax and Ambien allow me about two hours of oblivion and then I'm awake to once again wrestle with the dark thoughts.

Sometimes the anger, the rage I feel frightens me......at those moments I want only to destroy anything and everything around me.....to kill whatever is within me that allows me to feel.  Numbness seems to be the only path to coping.

Then grief takes over and i am once again drowning in a lake of self-recriminations. 

However...........those times are growing further apart.......I am taking tiny though very difficult steps toward a clearer path.  I will allow myself to grieve but will not allow myself to stand still and build a wall of pain around my life. I will see the rage for what it is...a natural part of my healing process.

There is a door at the end of the dark hallway I find myself in.  I'm making my way toward it.....hoping that when I get to it I will have the courage to open it and find my way to myself.

One Step at a Time

Made it through today with only one major panic attack which I forestalled somewhat with half a Xanax......progress for me. 

Trying to work through all the emotions while keeping a lid on the sudden flahes of anger and rage roaring  through my heart and mind is wearing me out.  Just taking one breath after another is tiring. 

Sleep alludes me...a xanax and an ambien equals two hours sleep before I wake to greet the dark thoughts which haunt me.  My own personal dragons....poor self-esteem, doubt, shame, worthlessness to name a few...rant and rale and hurl recriminations........."if only I'd been smarter....or prettier....or more intriguing....or had a better body"........you're not good enough, you're not good enough....on and on it goes.......

And in my weariness it is all too easy to believe.....

So I take one step......and drop one bright and shining thought into the lake of darkness I find myself drowning in......."you are caring"......the ripples move out growing and spreading......."you are nurturing"...more ripples......"you are giving".......as the ripples grow so does the light....pushing back the darkness at least for a while......

I seek peace as I contemplate the next step toward a new path.

Back in the Pit One More Time

After two years of thinking I had myself, my life together....I find that I haven't learned my lessons very well.  Being too trusting, too giving, too loving, too every good attribute I could try to possess has once again landed me back where I was at the end of my marriage.....a victim of manipulation and a delusional reality. 

It's so much harder this time to put the pieces of me back because I know longer trust my judgement.....what is true?what is good?what is right? Throwing away all my perceptions of goodness, love, honesty seems my safest bet.......putting up that wall that protected me for 30 years makes the most sense............because I can hide behind the wall and no one will know that "I" don't really exist......and I can safely move through life without ever having to invest any of my "self" in any one again.

All that and finding myself facing the spectre of the "Big C" all at once....how lucky am I? Friends keep telling me its all gonna work out, its all gonna make me stronger, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, etc. I don't think they know how weary I am.....exactly how big a toll this past 6 months has taken on me.................there is nothing left. I'm hanging on by a micro thin hair.

And though there are friends and family who love and care and support all surrounding me.......i am alone at the center.....having to decide whether to jump of the cliff or climb over the mountain.  Only time will tell.

School's Out for the....what? its Not??

June 1 and we are still in school.  There is just something not right about that.  The students are not interested in anything remotely educational and absentees grow every day.  Everyone, including teachers and staff, are whiny and irritable and no fun to be around.  WE NEED A BREAK!!!!