Hard to believe it's been nearly a month since my last entry......the days have passed in a flurry of work, work, work! Changes are coming or rather continuing to be a part of my life. I've applied for and been granted admission to attend classes needed to renew my teaching certificate.....and I'm excited about it! It is one more step in reclaiming the person I'm meant to be. It is a positive step!
Which is why my current state of mind is so puzzling to me. The past few days I've often found myself on the verge of tears for no particular reason......and last night, I was overcome with such a feeling of loneliness that it literally made me ache. Sobs rocked my body and tears poured down my face with such intensity I couldn't even stop long enough to blow my nose.....it didn't take long for this paroxysm of grief to subside into those hiccupping breaths which always come when one cries really hard. You know the kind, right?
Why such emotion especially now? When things seem to be on an upswing for the first time in a long while? Maybe because it finally hit me that I may be alone for the rest of my life.....I may never have that warm body to snuggle up with on long winter afternoons, never again have that someone to laugh with, cry with, love with................and I felt a deep unsettling grief at that possibility. It had never hit me with the intensity it did last night....and today...I still feel that grief.
Someone dear to me warned me that the first year after a divorce was the toughest and that I would go through the lowest lows and the highest highs......and that is so true! Last night was an example of that......it will get better....I'm determined it will!