New Month

Maybe i should just set my goal as writing an entry a month? Though writing is my means of expression, of talking through issues which sometimes consume my thoughts....it has become more difficult to put my thoughts into words. Hoping this is a temporary state......perhaps there is so much i am wrestling with that i cannot narrow my focus enough? i have become busy with the process of day to day living.....trying to nurture new friendships.....reconnect with old friends....make progress in making myself "hirable".......trying to establish new types of relationships with my children.......avoiding or trying to avoid those "pits of despair" which seem to open in my path with little or no warning..........all this takes effort........and it makes me tired....physically, mentally, emotionally tired. Somedays it feels as if i am bobbing aimlessly in a storm wracked sea.............i can see lights in the distance and try to make my way towards them only to be knocked around by huge swells..................and all the while repeating my mantra........"find something good"......growth comes with pain...............yeah, well.......right about now........i'd like someone to rescue me for a little while.........hold me until the pain subsides then put me gently back into the sea.................

Hard to believe it's been nearly a month since my last entry......the days have passed in a flurry of work, work, work! Changes are coming or rather continuing to be a part of my life. I've applied for and been granted admission to attend classes needed to renew my teaching certificate.....and I'm excited about it! It is one more step in reclaiming the person I'm meant to be. It is a positive step!

Which is why my current state of mind is so puzzling to me. The past few days I've often found myself on the verge of tears for no particular reason......and last night, I was overcome with such a feeling of loneliness that it literally made me ache. Sobs rocked my body and tears poured down my face with such intensity I couldn't even stop long enough to blow my nose.....it didn't take long for this paroxysm of grief to subside into those hiccupping breaths which always come when one cries really hard. You know the kind, right?

Why such emotion especially now? When things seem to be on an upswing for the first time in a long while? Maybe because it finally hit me that I may be alone for the rest of my life.....I may never have that warm body to snuggle up with on long winter afternoons, never again have that someone to laugh with, cry with, love with................and I felt a deep unsettling grief at that possibility. It had never hit me with the intensity it did last night....and today...I still feel that grief.

Someone dear to me warned me that the first year after a divorce was the toughest and that I would go through the lowest lows and the highest highs......and that is so true! Last night was an example of that......it will get better....I'm determined it will!

Another Day-Another Lesson

Usually the perpetual optimist, the past two weeks i've found myself teetering on the brink of pessimism! And it seemed to creep up on me unexpectedly.....one evening i found myself sitting in the darkening twilight with tears streaming down my face and wondering why. For the first time in a very long while it took me a long time to think of "something good".....and then all i could think was "I'm alive and breathing." That is a good thing....right?

Living alone for the first time in my life, taking care of everything by myself, preparing meals to eat alone.......i found myself drawing into myself, isolating myself from others, much as i had in the years preceeding my divorce. Why? Many reasons i think. Fear of revealing weaknesses, unwillingly to let the people i care about think i can't handle life, not wanting to burden them with worries about me and my life...........it is all about putting up walls, something i've always done without even being aware.......until i realize i'm locked behind the walls i built and none of them have gates!

Yes, the course i've chosen is difficult for me......but when i build walls i am shutting out blessings.....not just the ones that come from others but the ones for which i should be the conduit . My responsibilty....my "purpose" as Rick Warren calls it.....is to live my life, the life i have, to the very best of my ability, with the utmost joy.....so God's grace, God's peace, God's love, God's gifts are magnified and reflected in all i do.

The pessimism threatened because i had begun trying to take care of all those little problems on my own strength......and they began coming faster and faster, growing from a trickle to a torrent in no time........sapping my joy replacing it with the mind numbing fear, the question....."how will i make it?".........and God answered "one step at a time."

And my first step should always be toward the source of all comfort......i know from experience.....He is always there, right where i left Him.

Something Good

The past few days I've thought about a lesson I learned from someone close to my heart......"tell me something good"......his lesson being if we can name one good thing in our lives especially in times of hardship then our focus changes. Instead of being dragged down into the mire by whatever is going "wrong" in our lives at that moment, we begin finding the positives which make our lives joyous and intensely worth living.
Being newly divorced after a very long marriage and rediscovering the person I am, there are times when life in general can throw so many curve balls I don't know which to try to catch first! But.....if I stop .....become still....take a deep breath.....focus not on the problematic issues but on finding the good.......then God is there.....and I draw on His strength.....His boundless mercy....His love.............and face each issue head on. Because it is only in addressing the problem that I can begin to solve it.
And for me.....to know I can solve it.....on my own....without needing someone else to take charge of me.......is so empowering. It makes me feel strong and valuable and capable and so many other things! "Tell me something good."

First Pick

Have you ever had a thought which in its first appearance was distressing but over several days of pondering became more palatable? So it has been with me this week.

The thought? Never in my life have I ever held the top spot in the affections of anyone. Truly. Looking back....not to my parents who were always held prisoner by the needs of a sister bent on self destruction...not my grandparents who were always touting the successes of my cousins.......not my ex-husband who always put anything and everything above me....and our family......not my children who I think really don't know how to deal with the person I am. That realization saddened me....made me wonder......will there ever be anyone in my life who considers me important enough to elevate me to the #1 spot in their love, their desires, their affections? Sounds selfish doesn't it?

I'm certain that others feel this same way for whatever reason......and if they deal with it then so must I. My way will be to understand that the only person I want to please, need approval from...is ME. If I present my true self....my real strengths,...weaknesses...my perception of who I am and work to be the best I can for myself and no one else.........then we all win.

After thinking about it, considering it from many angles,....I think I've decided that I don't have to be in the top spot at all times.....it will be enough to one day....for a brief moment to know someone loves me enough to pick me first.......and then I will be content to share everything about me, about my life, my desires, my affections....and my wish will be to make that person know they are important enough to me....to pick first.

I'm working at living each moment for what it is....not what I wish it was.....or what it could be.....but just what it is. Not reacting emotionally to what I face....just taking everything as it comes....learning whatever lesson each event has for me.....although sometimes that isn't apparent right away....and when it isn't, then I school myself to watch for it. If I truly believe all things happen for a reason and everything has its season, then to put my expectations on people or events is to try and control what will be. What a responsibility! The key is to trust......to trust God.....to trust myself.

I'm working at living each moment for what it is....not what I wish it was.....or what it would be.....but just what it is

Love is without rhyme or reason. The emotions involved in "loving" wax and wain in intensity becoming painful then pleasurable each in turn. One person's concept of what love is can be so opposite of what another feels as to seem like a controlling torture. So I find myself wondering if my perception of the word, the emotion ....LOVE.....has validity. If my love, my loving, causes another pain or grief......then what? How do I balance my desires, my needs with the desires, needs of another?
Odd what thoughts consume me these days! Here I am at the end of a very, very lengthy marriage.......trying to find my place as a "single"......working to be independent financially, emotionally......to understand "independence" when it was never really encouraged in me.....and what I want to understand is how I could be so wrong in my perception of a loving relationship?

Back Again

this is usually a lonely time of day for me.....something about twilight approaching.....if I'm going to be overcome with tears this will be the time......3 out of 5 days I weep......some days not even sure what I' weeping for.....some days its cathartic....others not so much......but eventually the tears stop and I take a big breath and know tomorrow will be better........tomorrow is the day dreams come true.....so if not today then tomorrow.....and so goes the life of the eternal optimist.

been busy finding my way.....leaving a marriage and trying to do so with memories of only the good and lessons learned from the bad......discovering my voice again.....my words....they are the path to who I am.......in writing there is discovery.......the writings of others inspire, encourage, teach........my writings exorcise demons.........define me........comfort....."through pain comes growth".......so true my friend, so true.....