First Pick

Have you ever had a thought which in its first appearance was distressing but over several days of pondering became more palatable? So it has been with me this week.

The thought? Never in my life have I ever held the top spot in the affections of anyone. Truly. Looking back....not to my parents who were always held prisoner by the needs of a sister bent on self destruction...not my grandparents who were always touting the successes of my cousins.......not my ex-husband who always put anything and everything above me....and our family......not my children who I think really don't know how to deal with the person I am. That realization saddened me....made me wonder......will there ever be anyone in my life who considers me important enough to elevate me to the #1 spot in their love, their desires, their affections? Sounds selfish doesn't it?

I'm certain that others feel this same way for whatever reason......and if they deal with it then so must I. My way will be to understand that the only person I want to please, need approval from...is ME. If I present my true self....my real strengths,...weaknesses...my perception of who I am and work to be the best I can for myself and no one else.........then we all win.

After thinking about it, considering it from many angles,....I think I've decided that I don't have to be in the top spot at all times.....it will be enough to one day....for a brief moment to know someone loves me enough to pick me first.......and then I will be content to share everything about me, about my life, my desires, my affections....and my wish will be to make that person know they are important enough to me....to pick first.

I'm working at living each moment for what it is....not what I wish it was.....or what it could be.....but just what it is. Not reacting emotionally to what I face....just taking everything as it comes....learning whatever lesson each event has for me.....although sometimes that isn't apparent right away....and when it isn't, then I school myself to watch for it. If I truly believe all things happen for a reason and everything has its season, then to put my expectations on people or events is to try and control what will be. What a responsibility! The key is to trust......to trust God.....to trust myself.

I'm working at living each moment for what it is....not what I wish it was.....or what it would be.....but just what it is

Love is without rhyme or reason. The emotions involved in "loving" wax and wain in intensity becoming painful then pleasurable each in turn. One person's concept of what love is can be so opposite of what another feels as to seem like a controlling torture. So I find myself wondering if my perception of the word, the emotion ....LOVE.....has validity. If my love, my loving, causes another pain or grief......then what? How do I balance my desires, my needs with the desires, needs of another?
Odd what thoughts consume me these days! Here I am at the end of a very, very lengthy marriage.......trying to find my place as a "single"......working to be independent financially, emotionally......to understand "independence" when it was never really encouraged in me.....and what I want to understand is how I could be so wrong in my perception of a loving relationship?

Back Again

this is usually a lonely time of day for me.....something about twilight approaching.....if I'm going to be overcome with tears this will be the time......3 out of 5 days I weep......some days not even sure what I' weeping for.....some days its cathartic....others not so much......but eventually the tears stop and I take a big breath and know tomorrow will be better........tomorrow is the day dreams come true.....so if not today then tomorrow.....and so goes the life of the eternal optimist.

been busy finding my way.....leaving a marriage and trying to do so with memories of only the good and lessons learned from the bad......discovering my voice again.....my words....they are the path to who I am.......in writing there is discovery.......the writings of others inspire, encourage, teach........my writings exorcise demons.........define me........comfort....."through pain comes growth".......so true my friend, so true.....