Another week is flying by and I am still living in limbo. My physical world has become limited to my bedroom, my bathroom, the kitchen and sometimes the den....when I am at the house. My contact with people is even more narrow.....children and coworkers at school..my parents...my sister...MoMe...my attorney...and that's about it.

The sense of being alone has certainly intensified and oft times the depth of my loneliness cannot be measured...and yet...here are momets when I feel flashes of the person I was. Moments when I feel strong, empowered, capable of many things! It is a glorious feeling....and one I waited for a long time.

A year ago I was contemplating death as an option to the barren, empty life I was living.

Amazing isn't it? How life changes when one takes charge of oneself.

Endings

Endings signal new beginnings.
Prune away that which no longer blooms.
Make way for the new growth which is to come.
Growth that reaches upward,
spiraling toward the encouraging brightness of the sun,
spreading outward
with limbs full
of budding promise.

Just had to share this.....one of the 6 year olds I work with just gave me the sweetest compliment. He said, in his oh so endearing southern drawl, "you know whut you are? yore a racoontour(raconteur). Know whut that is? A wunnerful storyteller!" When I asked how he knew that great big word...he informed me that he and his mom have a word of the day calendar and when he heard that, he told his mama that was me. Probably the best compliment ever!!

The post I published yesterday seems to have disappeared! Maybe I can recreate...bear with me.

Second chances are rarely given and even more rarely taken. Why not take the opportunity to choose another path, give love space to bloom and grow, to find and develop new strengths, refine and perfect old skills? From my perspective, I was caught in a prison made of bad choices and decisions. In my head was a constant litany of "you made the choice now live with the consequences....or take responsibility for your decisions....your happiness is not the point." The sad thing is I fell for it, bought it hook, line and sinker.

The life I lived became a pretense, an exercise in making everyone around me believe I was happy and doing fine. I did share my unhappiness, my distress, with the person I trusted the most because I felt he would do whatever needed to be done to help me find the peace and fulfilment, the understanding I needed. Promises were made and broken. I was assured things would change and being the trusting soul I was, believed. Only to have my trust broken time and again.

I came to the point where I saw ahead of me a long life of misery and lies, broken dreams, and further isolation. But then I was given a second chance.....and I actually recognized it for what it was. A chance to break the chain of misery I had wound around my heart and soul......I had made a few bad choices.....did that require me to punish myself for the rest of my life and give up any chance to reclaim the happiness and completeness which could have been? Absolutely not!

I took responsibility for wrong choices and have decided to move on. I'm finished beating myself up about choices made in the immaturity of my youth, or in the heat of anger and disappointment, or in the fog of depression. I stepped up and declared, "this is not what I wanted so I choose another path....a path that is my choice and no one else's." My path to happiness and fulfillment.

Starting over when one is just a pinch past middle age can be terrifying.....everything is new and different and unknown. But I think attitude and frame of mind have a lot to do with how it plays out. Another choice, live this new life as an adventure, an opportunity and oh the things you can learn or relearn about yourself.

Continued

Though second chances are rare, they do occur. How one might ask, does one recognize a second chance? For me it was by stepping free of the prison of self doubt I allowed to capture me. For years I listened to an inner litany of "I made this choice, this decision so I must live with the consequences, take responsibility." However, one day I was asked if a bad choice requires staying in a life long misery to atone for an unwise, immature decision?

And I had to say.....absolutely not! That being said, I accepted my responsibility and moved on past beating myself up about choices made in the immaturity of my youth, or in the heat of anger or disappointment, or in the fog of depression.

I stepped up and said, "this was not what I had in mind, not what I dreamed of, wanted." I chose a path to happiness and fulfilment. It is not an easy path by any means. Far easier to maintain the status quo than to work toward a life not half over but just beginning.

Second chances are rarely given and even more rarely taken. Why is it so hard to take the opportunity to choose another path? Is it because by doing so one admits the first choice was not the best nor the wisest nor the appropriate nor the right one? To step up and say, "that was stupid of me" indicates, acknowledges weakness when one wishes to be thought wise.

Why not choose another path, give one's self a chance to bloom and grow, find and develop new strengths, refine and perfect old skills? Because at just a pinch beyond middle age, going in a new and unknown direction can be overwhelming, terrifying. But if approached in the right frame of mind, a fresh start can be a wonderful adventure.

More later!

Reflections

In the mirror,
lookingback at me,
a mere reflection
of who I used to be.

Lean closer,
l ook deeper,
Past the tiny
wrinkles crinkling
the skin near my eyes.
Beyond the wiry strands
of silver mixed in
with the blonde,
Who is that?

Its the woman
I will be.

A woman empowered
by the thought
of independence,
A woman with an
untapped reservoir
of desires,
A woman willing to share
from a wellspring
of love,
A woman looking forward
with expectation.

Reaching back to memories
of past successes,
Drawing encouragement
from the girl who was me,
the one who with a smile
said to the world,
This is who I am!

Now, she's back,
the girl I was,
as a woman,
having survived the years,
the attempts
to keep her on another path,
in another role,
not suited to her spirit.

How freeing,
How liberating,
How downright exhilirating!
To be who I've
wanted to be
all along...

I'm walking with
attitude
into a future
I've chosen
and it feels
right.

Arriving at school earlier and earlier every day until I finally realized that for me, this is my safe place. Here my strengths have been acknowledged, encouraged, celebrated. My home, which should have been my refuge became a place where I felt myself demeaned and used, everything about me seen as a threat which needed to be subjugated beneath the demands of others.

At the school where I work, our students are encouraged to find the best within them and their successes are celebrated daily.....with smiles and hugs...sometimes a shiny smiling sticker or a brand new pencil. That spirit spills over to me and I feel my dreams blossoming.....gently coaxed into blooming. Here I can literally feel my strength, my will, my purpose, growing stronger day by day.

How many more like me?

The question which keeps circling my brain.....how many women find themselves in a situation similar to mine? I can't be the only one who after over 25 years of marriage finds herself beginning life over again because of divorce.....a divorce I chose, not one forced on me by a husband's midlife crisis. What a journey.....what an adventure it can be. Were it not for the support and encouragement of family, friends and friends like family I would be overwhelmed, overcome by all that lies ahead.
This topic definitely deserves more contemplation.

What Love Can Be

Everchanging yet constant,
encouraging, demanding,
needy, giving,
makes life worth living.

kisses, hugs,
tender caresses,
knowing smiles,
sharing wishes.

searching, knowing eyes,
hands entwined.
mingled breath,
a soul's completion marked by sighs.

love,
to be two
yet one.

Ordinary Day

No poetry at the moment....just a comment on my day so far. It is an average day.....I'm tired from a sleepless night. When my mind is on overdrive, restful sleep doesn't come...just bits and pieces of conversations, a line of a song, dialogue from a movie, decisions I need to make.....and when my day begins? I file it all away to be dealt with when my mind is clear.
Arriving at work I do not know how I will manage to keep it together....tears are near the surface.....but the cheerful greetings from children and coworkers give me strength....and I know I draw on that strength until mine is recharged.

Boxed

Empty boxes scavenged from
everywhere,
Piled randomly across
my path,
Hungrily awaiting the flotsam
and jetsam,
of an ended marriage.

Choices to make.

What goes with me into my new life?
What memories will help me grow?
Which are only souveniers
of sadness,
destined to bring that sorrow
into my future?

My choices.

Each one a step
Moving forward,
sliding back.

I choose to move forward,
not be dragged down
by memories made of lies.

Snapshots

Snapshots, photographs, snippets of time,
Memories captured with a click,
A giggle, a laugh, a smile,
Yours or mine.

It matters not the time or place.
The moments, the memories,
All treasured for the look on each face.

Stay True

So much pain,
So much sorrow,
Endless waves
ebbing and flowing,
crashing, growing.
No consistancy,
No view of what's approaching.

Blinded by the need
to protect.
Blindsided by someone else's
idea of love.
Wearing blinders so as to
protect my heart from what
I might see.

Floating now in the darkness
of my own choosing.
Resting in the knowledge
that within the quiet darkness
I will see what is true.

I see beyond the pain
of now,
the sorrow of today,
the crushing betrayal
of those who use love as a weapon.

The waves,
pushing me,
polishing me,
tumbling me,
toward the future,
toward myself.
Forward,
to the me that was.

Me,
who will once again thrive,
live to fight,
to be true to myself.
Just to be is to
Stay true.

So It Is With Me

Hollow,empty, barren, withered,
So it is with me.
Each implies a lack of life,
of living.
Yet there is a semblance of life,
of living,
still to be found.
Like a nest of fledglings beginning life in the hollow
of a tree,
Like an empty pitcher refilled
with cold, clear water,
Like a barren field plowed and planted
each spring,
Like a withered lantana with small buds
of green pushing through the soil.
So it is with me.
Hollow yet longing for new life,
Empty of emotion yet needing to feel again,
Barren of purpose yet longing for goals,
Withered by the pain of betrayal yet
yearning to be loved.
So it is with me.
For now.

My Tears

My tears flow endlessly,
Streams of broken dreams
from deep within me.
Each tear, a prayer,
a cry for an end to the
pain I bear.
Each tear like a diamond
forged by the weight
not of the earth
but of pain.
Glistening and clear,
brought forth with sharp tools,
some of steel,
but others with a much sharper implement,
words.

My tears flow endlessly,
streams of cleansing grief.
Each tear a step forward,
a declaration of determination.
Each tear a symbol,
of what has ended,
and what will begin.

My tears flow endlessly,
A river of life,
from a once emptied well.
Each tear a memory,
of what?
The future will tell.

My tears,
My dreams,
My pain,
My future,
My tears flow endlessly,
with hope.

The First Step

I've been on a journey for several years now. My path has been rife with choices, decisions, discoveries, about myself, about those around me. For a long while I was content to let others choose for me. It was easier that way and the boat rocked less and I could watch the scenery without worrying about getting off the path. But then I began to catch glimpses of things off the path.....things I wanted to examine more closely.......places I wanted to see and experience.......people to learn from. But those who had chosen for me had already mapped out the course I must take......it would cause them inconvenience........if I loved them I would do what they knew would be right for me......for them. And then I looked back......down the path I'd taken and I saw what a distance I'd come.......and beside the path I saw broken dreams scattered as if by trampling feet.......I saw desires shriveled and covered with cobwebs of neglect.....and a gnawing hurt began in my soul and spread through my body....who would have treated someones dreams and desires so callously and for what reason? I stopped to question and was told those had been my dreams, my desires.......choices which would not have fit in with the course others thought best and so had been jettisoned to make room for the future others had planned for me. You know we love you so trust us to take care of you!........I retreated to a dark and lonely place within myself to ponder these things.......were the others right? Were those choices best for me? If so......why did I feel no hope, no joy........Then came the voice as if from a great distance........"you have only one life.....live it to the fullest......find your happiness."



What happened then? Why I stepped off the path! I began moving toward that voice and when I did small cracks began forming in the wall I had unknowingly built around my heart.....and the further I moved off the chosen path larger cracks began allowing feelings in.......new thoughts emerged....as I examined ideas and possibilities chunks of the wall began tumbling off and I began feeling an energy building........I turned to share this with those who had always chosen for me and saw on their faces anger, disappointment, fear, sadness.......how can you do this to us?



If you loved me you would want my happiness I thought. I'm glad I took that first step toward my happiness and fulfilment.



Today I took another step......into a dark and somewhat scary tunnel through a mountain.....but I see a light at the other end and as long as I focus on that light........I'll get through the scary bits and come out into a whole new life.

Still Thinking......

It can be so hard to face those things hiding in the darkest places of my heart......but once I do......what a feeling of release! To face feelings of shame and humiliation, of embarrassment, of grief......to take possession of them and examine them for what they really are. Yes, I made poor choices.....but as someone dear to me said, we all do..........I just don't have to beat myself up about it on a daily basis........learn from them and move on. So I find myself learning lots of life lessons lately......some more unpleasant than others. And I try to grow beyond that point......to take hold of that piece of myself and put it back into the proper place. I like finding the real me.....celebrate that discovery.....relish the knowledge that I am strong....and creative....and have lots to offer.....and am interesting......all things I thought were gone from my life. One day, I will be whole again.

Just thinking...

I'm alone if only briefly and it feels great. I'm going through a weepy kind of phase I think....the tears just begin with no real provocation....sometimes I'm not even conscious of the fact I'm crying! How bizarre is that? But I think, just maybe, it is because there is so much hidden pain.....and one soul can only deal with so much before there has to be a release. Could that be possible?
Right now....I want to be in a place where no one knows me......a newcomer.....a new life with endless possibilities. Can that happen for me? I don't know....but I can dream, can't I?

what to do..

Most people look forward to the weekend with great anticipation as I once did. Now I see the weekend as two days of more intense scrutiny and a "chaperone" with me at every step. There are times when I long for the time when I was alone most of the time. Of course I felt the occasional twinge of loneliness however, I definitely prefer that to the hell I live through now. Sometimes it is so bad I feel that my very thoughts are being read and twisted to suit some nefarious campaign.
I don't do what I want to do because then I'm accused of some ulterior motive. At times I am forced to spend my whole weekend sequestered in the bedroom except for the times I'm doing laundry or cooking a meal. It is that or have to answer question after question about why I am the way I am and why I can't be happy with the way things have always been........Because that is NOT me!! Why am I not good enough? Why must I change and not the situation?
If I hear that I am going through a midlife crisis one more time I may just start screaming and never stop!!!!

Freedom

I long for the day when I no longer have to watch every word I say......every expression which crosses my face.....to have the freedom to be who I want to be....to find and experience my happiness..my dreams. At this point in my life I still feel the burden of pleasing everyone around me....and suffer the consequences if I don't. I feel as though I am living two lives.....the one the world sees and the one which exists in my heart and mind.....the strain of keeping the two separate can be somewhat overwhelming at times. The knowledge that one day I will live the life I choose keeps me motivated....keeps me moving to the future.
There was a time in the not so distant past when I thought I would die before finding my dreams....my happiness....but now.....well, I've discovered a strength within to continue living and working toward my dreams. And if I have to endure a time period where my every move...every emotion...every word is suspect....so be it. Those who try to keep me subjugated and subservient will not be allowed to win.

Prompt #2: "I can see........."

I can see the house still, the way it appeared to the child I was. The wide shadowy porch, screened at one end and with a long, heavy white wooden swing at the other, held promises. Promises of rainy days spent watching rain water cascade from the gutters after thundering a rhythm on the tin roof. Promises of huddled conferences between the cousins over whether Dr. Crawford's son was really cute or just seemed that way because of his dancing blue eyes. Promises of swinging breathtakingly high with barefoot toes wiggling and squeals of excitement caught in our throats. Promises of daydreams waiting to be caught. All this on one wide, dusty, grey porch in a small hot Georgia town.
I sat and drank in the details of that big frame house on the corner. Thirty years of tenants moving in and out had wrought changes. It was inevitable. And yet...it was in that frame house on the corner my memories began. I began to appreciate life there. Some of my first recollections are of Christmases celebrated there.
When I got out of the car, the air felt heavy with a summer heat one can only find in the South. I heard laughter and saw the ghosts of my childhood dancing past as I stood on the cracked and buckled sidewalk directly in front of the house. It was hard not to laugh as I remembered learning how to roller skate on that same crumpled sidewalk before time and tree roots had creased its smoothness.

Writing Prompts

Here are the guidelines. Relax. Write, write, write. Don't worry about grammar, spelling, or self editing. Just let the words flow. Remember.....you aren't getting "graded" here.

Today's prompt: "I always felt safe......."

I always felt safe at night, snuggled in my narrow bed, as long as my feet didn't dangle over the edge of the bed. Everyone knows that long slithery black snakes are hiding under the bed just waiting to strike any bodily part that hangs over into their territory. And as long as my stuffed brown dog was draped over my neck.....so the vampires couldn't get to it. And my sheet was tucked around my head with just my nose sticking out.......because the zombie dolls can't see you if only your nose is showing. And I had said all the God blesses which needed to be said in order to protect all those I loved from any sort of tragedy. Yes, I think I was a safe well-adjusted and certainly fearless child.

Anyone out there?

Can't sleep....sitting here wondering if there is another lonely soul out there waiting for someone to comment on their brand new blog spot? How do you make the connection with likeminded bloggers? I'm new at this and would appreciate comments.....guidance.....advice......

Perhaps a little information about myself might strike a chord.......something beyond the "profile." Let's see.......oh.....I have rehearsals tomorrow for a community theatre production.....my first foray into musical theatre in a very long time. It has been alot of fun.....though I had to push myself to make the leap......all through the audition process my hands were shaking and I kept wanting to throw up! But I landed a role in the chorus and am enjoying using my theatrical knowledge and experience once again......and not as a director....which had been my only outlet until now.

Okay....I'm ready to hear from others.......anyone out there?

Initial Ideas

I've toyed with the idea of blogging for a while but lacked the courage to actually do so. Sharing my thoughts with those I know has always been intimidating. And now I want to share with people I haven't even met? Somehow that avenue seems safer.....isn't that funny?

Recently people and events contrived to take away my most private of joys.....journaling. To have my most intimate thoughts used as a weapon against me was most painful. For some time I was unable to write....fearing the repercussions. Those who liken the freedom to express one's thoughts through the written word to something akin to breathing will understand my pain and my loss.

However, I could not let the wounding ways of others take away my one avenue of working through complex problems or the madness of everyday living. Somehow I managed to find the courage to reclaim my right. And now I find myself grappling with decisions which will effect me and those I love for a long time to come. Perhaps the comments from others will give me the strength to attempt the things I've longed to try. Maybe my dreams for the future will return on the ideas of others.

My future without dreams seems a dismal place.

Welcome to my ramblings!