Glacier National Park 2010

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The First Step

I've been on a journey for several years now. My path has been rife with choices, decisions, discoveries, about myself, about those around me. For a long while I was content to let others choose for me. It was easier that way and the boat rocked less and I could watch the scenery without worrying about getting off the path. But then I began to catch glimpses of things off the path.....things I wanted to examine more closely.......places I wanted to see and experience.......people to learn from. But those who had chosen for me had already mapped out the course I must would cause them inconvenience........if I loved them I would do what they knew would be right for me......for them. And then I looked back......down the path I'd taken and I saw what a distance I'd come.......and beside the path I saw broken dreams scattered as if by trampling feet.......I saw desires shriveled and covered with cobwebs of neglect.....and a gnawing hurt began in my soul and spread through my body....who would have treated someones dreams and desires so callously and for what reason? I stopped to question and was told those had been my dreams, my desires.......choices which would not have fit in with the course others thought best and so had been jettisoned to make room for the future others had planned for me. You know we love you so trust us to take care of you!........I retreated to a dark and lonely place within myself to ponder these things.......were the others right? Were those choices best for me? If so......why did I feel no hope, no joy........Then came the voice as if from a great distance........"you have only one it to the fullest......find your happiness."

What happened then? Why I stepped off the path! I began moving toward that voice and when I did small cracks began forming in the wall I had unknowingly built around my heart.....and the further I moved off the chosen path larger cracks began allowing feelings thoughts I examined ideas and possibilities chunks of the wall began tumbling off and I began feeling an energy building........I turned to share this with those who had always chosen for me and saw on their faces anger, disappointment, fear, can you do this to us?

If you loved me you would want my happiness I thought. I'm glad I took that first step toward my happiness and fulfilment.

Today I took another step......into a dark and somewhat scary tunnel through a mountain.....but I see a light at the other end and as long as I focus on that light........I'll get through the scary bits and come out into a whole new life.

1 comment:

Relaxin' with Books said...

I feel as though I am going through a transitional period myself. I just feel empty.

I used to love my job. With the change in management, I am not feeling that same sense of accomplishment that I am used to feeling. I don't think that I am pushed to accomplish things that I have to stretch for. I am feeling a bit more respect this year so I hope I can love my job again and not sink to new lows.

I used to love to come home. Now my husband is not here and does not want to be here. He does not know if he will ever want us to live in the same house again. We have had our ups and downs but I never thought it would get to this. He comes home, my home, once a week and seems happy to be here. But he seems happy to leave too. What happened to all our plans of the things we would do together after we retired?

My older daughter is very independent. She is ready to be on her own but she does still need me. She calls almost daily and enjoys having me come to see her. We probably get along better now than we ever have.

My younger daughter is ready to fly the nest too. She is a bit apprehensive as she readies herself for college. Will she make friends? Will she like being far from home? I have no doubts that she will thrive in her new environment.

My new life is beginning and it is not as I had imagined it. I have got to find a direction for myself. I have got to take charge of my own happiness. I cannot let myself be swallowed up by all this uncertainty. Be strong... Take charge...