It is hard for me to fathom that just a week ago I was plunged so deep into the darkness of self-doubt and self-loathing that I truly felt my life held no purpose, no meaning. I confess that the last 5 years I was wandering through a Hell of my own creation without any sort of spiritual compass to guide me. Let me rephrase, I had dropped a perfectly fine well working Compass in my self delusion and could no longer find it! I kept picking up "maps," and "guidebooks," and listening to the advice of "travelers" who were just as lost as I was. Believe me, it only served to lead me deeper into the desert.
I never stopped praying but to me those prayers seemed futile. The people who honestly loved and cared for me kept sending up 'flares' but not only was I stumbling around in darkness but I had my hands over my eyes! I had become the poster child for self deluded people who wouldn't know Truth if it popped up and bit them on the behind! Seriously! I would have fared better had I popped in some earplugs.
Why? You may be asking. Because at that point, two years ago, a well practiced Deceiver stepped in to "rescue" me from myself. And in the weariness of my personal struggle, I grabbed the 'lifeline' I'd been tossed and allowed myself to pulled into the Grand Deception. For a while I listened and thought I had finally found a way to begin loving myself. Problem was, since I still had my hands over my eyes I couldn't see that I was out of the desert but now I was in a dark AND slimy labyrinth-like cave.And with NO flashlight!
Flash forward to one week ago. Thanks to the lies and deceptions of my 'rescuer' I now had layer upon layer of self-loathing and was so mired in the muck of the cave in which I'd imprisoned myself that I saw no reason to keep living....I was lower than I had ever been and couldn't even lift my head to look up...even with my hands still over my eyes!
That's when God said, "ENOUGH!" He sent warrior angels in the form of three precious friends who stepped in and fought for the good they knew still lived in me....they poured words of encouragement into my ears and tried to pull my hands off my eyes. He sent a prayer warrior of tiny stature and mighty faith to pray over me and for me.........and God pulled my hands away and said, "See My Light and live!"
Sounds dramatic and it was! If you've ever been in the kind of Stygian darkness I was in, any light, even the tiny flame of a match seems like a Sun. Imagine the Light produced by the Master and Creator of all that is. Yeah I should have been blinded but I wasn't...because for me the Light burned the darkness from within me and from around me and cradled me in a warm nurturing Love.
Since then God has been working and blessing me and making changes in me. He's used His willing servants to comfort me and encourage me with their words, their thoughts, their prayers. For the first time in my life I feel free of the bondage darkness brings. I can say with truth and conviction that I do have good in me, I am capable of loving and being loved, I do have gifts God can and will use......
I have found my Compass again and the path I see is paved in peace, joy and the Love of God......He has made me worthy.