Friends Are Gems

I am recovering from some form of flu.....I'm not sure which form.....the head hurts-stomach hurts-coughing-with fever kind. I received my annual flu shot back before Christmas so it isn't that particular strain.  I felt awful Monday-Wednesday but still went to work because I had no fever....what a trooper huh? Got home Wednesday and by Wednesday evening had 101 temperature. So I have spent three days neath the blankets with a box of tissues and plentiful cups of hot tea.  Today, I have decided I will indeed survive!

While burrowed deep into a cocoon of quilts and blankets, I had lots of time to think....and though the thoughts were random and jumped from unrelated topics and back again.....they were happy, joyful thoughts.  Usually when I am this sick, I am overcome with depression and spend lots of time weeping. Not the case this time. God used this time of stillness to remind me of how very blessed I am.

I thought about all the people God has placed in my life who continue to brighten my daily existence though I may not have seen or spoken to them in years....except via letters, then e-mail, then FB. I had as a room mate for one year in college a girl from England...it was a great year and she became a dear friend.......even if we haven't seen each other since that time, I bet we could pick up right where we left off oh so many, many years ago. Our daughters were even pen pals and still keep in touch....and they've never met face to face.  Don't you agree that is a wonderful thing? I do! And I hope one day the four of us can sit down together and enjoy a good long chat.

I've another friend who has been part of my life since high school...we've shared a lot of things from cheerleader tryouts to the birth of children.  During the first Gulf war, I had the honor of coaching my friend through the birth of her second daughter while her husband was deployed.  That was 22 years ago this month and I still get teary eyed thinking about it. Our friendship is still precious to me even if we only see each other sporadically.

And of course there is my true BFF...MoMe! We've been friends, confidants, adventurers, dreamers and schemers since first grade.....that is a long, long time...and I am so thankful for each and every moment. I think it is a rarity to find a friend who knows me better than I know myself and who has been with me through all of life's ups and downs.  That kind of friendship is definitely a blessing.

So I had the flu...and it was yucky....God used my illness to remind me what gems my friendships are...they glitter and shine even in the darkness.....and my life is richer for them.

Blogger's Block

It has been a while.....seems I've suffered from "blogger's block." Yes, I made that up.....just think "writer's block." There's been a whole lot of pain going on and quite frankly I wasn't in the mood to talk or write about any of it.

Just to catch you up......had a lovely Thanksgiving celebration with family at my parent's house. My traditional Sweet Potato Pie was a big hit with my Daddy and he even shared a small sliver with me! Was I honored or what? And I have to say it was pretty yummy!

Now it is December.....and the Christmas season is fast approaching.  It used to bring with it stress and anxiety and more feelings of inadequacy to my life.  There never seemed to be enough time nor money to make sure every one had THE perfect Christmas.....because of course I felt that was all my responsibility.  Let me say for the record....I have relinquished that responsibility. 

For me Christmas is not about perfection.....nor is it about gift exchanges.....nor being invited to Christmas parties......nor making tons of perfect Christmas goodies.  It is about the little things.....like enjoying a nice cup of ginger spice tea before bedtime.....humming snippets of Christmas carols as I fold laundry.....unpacking my collection of Santa face mugs and lining them up on the counter.  Each one brought memories of the fun MoMe and I had experienced as we found these treasures in junk stores and Goodwill stores throughout the southeast.

This year instead of a mad flurry of trying to decorate my apartment and patio and tree all in one day I'm savoring each step.  For now, my Santa face mugs smile at me as I contemplate what bit of decorating comes next.....and if I can figure out how to share photos of them on the blog, I will. I want to enjoy every moment of every day.

Hopefully, the "blogger's block" I've suffered has passed......because I do so enjoy blogging and sharing the every day ordinary life I live.......I am so blessed.

Fulfilling God's Purpose

"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." Psalm 138 : 8

Sitting here this morning, enjoying that first cup of coffee, watching the rain clouds gather as a tiny hummingbirds zips around the feeder I hung just for him........and it occurs to me, that I've had no human contact for nearly a week!  No wonder I've felt a bit low. Of course, were I free to drive I would have gotten out of my apartment and done SOMETHING to allay this pressing loneliness.

Thank goodness for Facebook....at least I can play games, read the posts of friends (and comment when appropriate!) And I've used the time to pray....to read my Bible...to read others books I've had on my Kindle forever....to work on my drawings.....it isn't that I don't have anything to do.  The point is I miss people... the exchange of ideas over a cup of coffee....the shared laughter....hugs of encouragement......all of that. Of course, once school begins next week there's no doubt I will be longing for these quiet times!

At any rate....as I sat here enjoying my "pity party," I remembered the above verse and I had to stop and look it up. And there it was.....another promise from the God who loves me unconditionally.

"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."  Yes He has a purpose for a lonely middle-aged woman who lives alone and is currently recovering from thyroid surgery.  This place I find myself in is only temporary.....and it is okay to feel sorry for myself and cry and wonder what comes next....but only for a little while.  Because God has a purpose for me, a job He needs me to do and I won't let Him down.I don't have to know what it is yet because if it is God's plan for me then it is perfect. So for now, I will pray and meditate on His words and open my heart to His guidance and offer myself as a willing and obedient servant.

Why? Well, the next part of the verse sums it up for me.....

"...Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever." His love, His promises to His children never stop...if they do it is because we turn away from Him not because He forsakes us.....and even then, He is still waiting for us to come back.  I know because I once turned away.....and when I hit bottom, there He was.....arms wide open and a smile of welcome on His face.

"Do not forsake the work of Your hands." I can assure you from my experience that He doesn't.....and that is a wonderful feeling.

Transforming Facebook

I've been doing some thinking about Facebook of all things!  I joined Facebook 5 or 6 years ago as a way to connect with my children thinking it would give us something to talk about.  That didn't work out quite as I had expected....they were horrified and told me I was too old for Facebook and MySpace and that it would make me looky "creepy."  Regardless of their opinions, I stuck with it.

Initially I was intimidated by the ins and outs of the whole process.  But I figured it out.  I started sending out "friend requests" and even received some!  I reconnected with people I hadn't seen since high school or college. I received invitations to play various online games.....and accepted them all in my eagerness to be part of a "social" network! I tended my FarmTown acreage, blew up jewels, even got pretty good at online poker!  Of course, I winnowed things out after a while and stuck with games I really enjoyed.....Scrabble, Gardens of Time, Words With Friends, Farkle, Bejewelled Blitz.....and then I got brave.

Playing these games helped me through that really awful period during my divorce.  I was so alone...so lonely....not sure of myself....treated rudely by people I thought were friends.....propositioned by people who thought being divorced meant I was a "wild single."  The folks I knew through Facebook were there but not "there," if you know what I mean.  When I couldn't sleep I knew someone would be online to play Scrabble.....somewhere in the world.  And so I reached out through that "random" key where games were set up for me with people I didn't know!

Literally a whole new world opened up to me!  I've been playing Scrabble for a couple of years now with "Jan G." and "John K." and we've never met!  We exchange 'chats' now and again and it is fun! Then the Gardens of Time game caught my fancy....and I 'met' even more people.  No we've never been physically in the same room....but they have become real to me.

This became so apparent during my recent thyroid adventure....I started receiving encouraging posts from these wonderful people I've never met.....people from all over this country indeed from all over the world!  And Facebook became more than a 'social' network....it became a circle of caring people who know that there is power in prayer and positive thoughts....and it gave me hope for our world.

So to those people I've only 'met' online....Hanne, Tove and Lone K., Kathleen K., Judith, Josh r., C.S. King, Steph M., just  to name a few.....thank you for your part in helping me become a better person, for easing my loneliness, for encouraging me when facing difficulties.  In my eyes you are heroes. 

If strangers can unite through prayer and concern for another stranger.....then surely we will soon be reaching out to people we see every day.....offering encouragement, kindness, friendship to those who need it to get through the day.  That is my challenge to myself....to look beyond the surface and share the joy I carry within myself...........the rewards will be immeasureable.

My Best Friend

Its late and the night is quiet except for the rattle of the occasional car passing over the speed bumps on the road.  I long for sleep to take me but the discomfort from the biopsy lingers and acts as a barrier to rest. The prayers and kind thoughts of friends carried me through the day but I don't think I could have made it without the presence of my best friend. 

We've had many adventures in our long 48 year friendship and with God's blessings, I hope we share many more. Seems like our next venture will carry us into the world of medical procedures and hospital stays.....but only briefly.  Then we'll be exchanging resipes and sharing books and looking ahead to the things we'll do once either one of us wins the lottery.  And in between the tears, there will be lots of laughter.

She has taught me so much.....about myself...about life...about what it means to be a real friend....I thank God for putting her in my life.  And I count myself extremely blessed to have a once in a lifetime kind of sister-friend like her.

Family, Friends and Freedom

Yesterday was the day we as Americans celebrated our nation's beginnings.  Fireworks, food, family fun generally encompassed those celebrations. From huge fireworks displays to more intimate family picnics, patriotism wass the theme.  This year, an election year, I'm sure politics and the economy as well as Obama care were topics of discussion.  Whichever side of the issues one lands on, as Americans, we want what's "best" for our nation.
My celebration was a bit unique in that it was peopled with friends and family who are citizens of the US, either born here or naturalized...and those who are citizens of another country but here through the military.  The conversation was lively and enjoyable and led to my favorite part of the day.....family stories.
As we sat around the table enjoying espresso and/or prosecco with a variety of homemade desserts after a lunch of ribs with all the fixin's...conversation revolved around funny tales about our families. But there were also tales of the courage and determination of our ancestors.  I was so glad my children were there to hear and be reminded of their heritage.
Their background includes a great grandmother who before WWII was one of very few women in Italy who drove cars and trucks and worked with her husband in the family Fiat business.....who during the war stood up to German officers who tried to make her leave her home so they could use it as a stable for their horses.....she won.....and who also hid a Jewish jeweler until he could be safely moved out of Italy. Then there was their great-great-great grandfather Nail who  along with his three brothers enlisted in the Confederacy where they served with valor and all returned safely home to their families...and their great great great grandfather Shaw who as a Confederate soldier lost his arm in the Battle of Atlanta but returned home to farm his little bit of land.  The artistic ability must come through the Italian side where their great grandfather's cousin, Pietro Annigoni, became famous as a portrait painter for royalty.  So much history to share and of which to be proud..

Yes, we celebrated our country's beginnings but we also celebrated family and heritage and friendship all of which withstand the test of time...as long as they are founded in truth, integrity, and loyalty.

Forgiveness

The hardest thing for people to do is take responsibility for their actions and the subsequent consequences.  At least, for me. 

I somehow found the courage to go to people I know have been hurt, deeply, by my actions and to ask for their forgiveness.  Do you know how hard it is to admit I have been  such a self-centered deluded coward?  Difficult does not begin to describe.

To humble myself in that way was to risk dredging up the hurt all over again for all involved.  But it was what God had put in my heart to do...so I put on my big girl pants and did it.  Knowing that God had already forgiven me for those actions made it a tiny bit easier.  The hardest part was forgiving myself, something at which I'm NOT good.  The people I spoke with were understanding and some did forgive me  though some did not.  That's alright too.  Because that is their right.

The thing is I am determined to be the woman God means for me to be, no matter how difficult that path is. My job now is to wait and pray, study God's Word, surround myself with Godly people in order to become spiritually strong.

And while I do those things, I will love my friends for all they are to me, love my children for who they are becoming, and love myself....because God loved me first!

Out of the Darkness

It is hard for me to fathom that just a week ago I was plunged so deep into the darkness of self-doubt and self-loathing that I truly felt my life held no purpose, no meaning. I confess that the last 5 years I was wandering through a Hell of my own creation without any sort of spiritual compass to guide me.  Let me rephrase, I had dropped a perfectly fine well working Compass in my self delusion and could no longer find it!  I kept picking up "maps," and "guidebooks," and listening to the advice of "travelers" who were just as lost as I was.  Believe me, it only served to lead me deeper into the desert.

I never stopped praying but to me those prayers seemed futile.  The people who honestly loved and cared for me kept sending up 'flares' but not only was I stumbling around in darkness but I had my hands over my eyes! I had become the poster child for self deluded people who wouldn't know Truth if it popped up and bit them on the behind! Seriously! I would have fared better had I popped in some earplugs.

Why? You may be asking. Because at that point, two years ago, a well practiced Deceiver stepped in to "rescue" me from myself. And in the weariness of my personal struggle, I grabbed the 'lifeline' I'd been tossed and allowed myself to pulled into the Grand Deception.  For a while I listened and thought I had finally found a way to begin loving myself.  Problem was, since I still had my hands over my eyes I couldn't see that I was out of the desert but now I was in a dark AND slimy labyrinth-like cave.And with NO flashlight!

Flash forward to one week ago. Thanks to the lies and deceptions of my 'rescuer' I now had layer upon layer of self-loathing and was so mired in the muck of the cave in which I'd imprisoned myself that I saw no reason to keep living....I was lower than I had ever been and couldn't even lift my head to look up...even with my hands still over my eyes!

That's when God said, "ENOUGH!"  He sent warrior angels in the form of three precious friends who stepped in and fought for the good they knew still lived in me....they poured words of encouragement into my ears and tried to pull my hands off my eyes. He sent a prayer warrior of tiny stature and mighty faith to pray over me and for me.........and God pulled my hands away and said, "See My Light and live!"

Sounds dramatic and it was!  If you've ever been in the kind of Stygian darkness I was in, any light, even the tiny flame of a match seems like a Sun.  Imagine the Light produced by the Master and Creator of all that is.  Yeah I should have been blinded but I wasn't...because for me the Light burned the darkness from within me and from around me and cradled me in a warm nurturing Love.

Since then God has been working and blessing me and making changes in me.  He's used His willing servants to comfort me and encourage me with their words, their thoughts, their prayers.  For the first time in my life I feel free of the bondage darkness brings.  I can say with truth and conviction that I do have good in me, I am capable of loving and being loved, I do have gifts God can and will use......

I have found my Compass again and the path I see is paved in peace, joy and the Love of God......He has made me worthy.