Glacier National Park 2010

Friday, September 27, 2013

Fighting the Flare

I have a bit of down time here at school which doesn't happen often.  The students are busy writing their vocabulary list for the next unit in history....I think I'll catch up on my blogging!

When last I wrote I was in the midst of a major pain flare.....bad news is the flare continues. The good news is the intensity of the pain has subsided somewhat.  That is not to say it has faded to the barely noticeable stage, however; I no longer feel like crying with every breath. Dealing with the constant pain is keeping me exhausted......and if one has never experienced a fibro flare then there is no way to explain it. Suffice it to say, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.....well, maybe just for a few hours.

It is not unusual for depression to accompany an intense pain flare....this time was no different....well, that's not entirely true. The depression was as intense as the pain....I cried every day....driving to and from work, tears would be streaming down my face.  The crazy thing was I didn't really know what I was crying about exactly.  Was it the unbearable pain? Maybe...but coupled with that was loneliness. I longed for someone to sit quietly with me, holding me gently, murmuring words of comfort....someone to give me emotional support. The weeping was just another indication of how hard it is to be alone especially when dealing with any kind of hardship.

The pain itself has begun to fade somewhat and that usually signals the fading of the depression.  But this time is different....the loneliness hasn't faded.  I am reminded that this may well be my state of being for the rest of my life.....and I don't like it.  My confession is that I would like to be a part of a couple who does things together....who has their own inside jokes....or special songs....or memories of special moments.....someone who is there for me as I am for him......unfortunately, I imagine that particular ship has sailed without me.

So....what happens next? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I will not stop living my life just because I make the journey alone....rather, I will work hard to adjust my thinking.....focusing on what I do have, not on what is not there. I've got to treasure those simple pleasures once more.....and make sure I do that every single day of the life I'm given.


Friday, September 13, 2013

Hear My Prayer

It has been a rough week my friends! My health issues have pushed themselves to the forefront of my consciousness and I don't like it.....don't like thinking about them, dealing with them, having them!

Being a diabetic, I keep a careful watch on my blood sugar levels. I check them at least four times daily, and sometimes more. Over the past week my sugars have bottomed out on several occasions which left me feeling awful! Imagine feeling nauseous and not wanting to eat, but knowing one's sugar levels depend on eating proper food at proper times....yeah, that's what its been like.

On top of those issues, I'm dealing with a horrible fibro pain flair!  The worst I've had in ages and ages.....and it has made me angry and difficult to be around.  I'm really trying hard to work through all this but am not making much progress. Being an optimistic person in general, it is usually easy for me to see the bright side of any given situation.  This week, not so much.

I just don't have the strength right now I think. And don't know any thing to do about it but pray. Tough thing is I'm not even sure what to say any more.  There was one other time in my life when I felt this way.....I had a devastating miscarriage and afterwards didn't know how to ask God to help me.  Words wouldn't come....all I could do was weep.  I remember laying in my bed day after day unable to move, the tears coursing silently down my face while I struggled with how to word my plea. At one point, I remember whispering "God....God....God." For months, His name became my only prayer.....and you know what? He heard me and healed my hurting heart.

There is a Scripture which tells us that He knows the desires of hearts....and in my case, that proved true.  Without the words He knew what I wanted, what I needed, and as promised, He took care of it.  Now finding myself in a place where I don't really know what I want or need....where I can't voice what I don't know....God hears me.  My responsibility is to let Him handle it because I know that is the only way I can deal with all I am facing this week. So my prayer once again becomes one word....God....God...God....and as before He hears me.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Its Game Day!

Today is Game Day and here in the South that can only mean one thing. Football games are being played on college campuses every where....and I love it! And I am fortunate enough to live in SEC country which is arguably the toughest group of teams in the nation as evidenced by the number of BCS titles won over the past seven years. An SEC team has won six of the last seven games with five of those games won by teams from my home state!

Some may find it odd that a female is so enamored of college football but for me it is a normal state of being.  My love affair with the game, and more specifically with the Auburn University Tigers, goes back practically to my birth.  My Dad attended Auburn and while there, our little family lived in Graves Apartments there on campus.  I can remember hearing the rousing cries of "War Eagle" on game days as my Mama pushed the stroller outside the stadium with my sister in the seat and me standing on the back.  Daddy had a little brown football which when you turned the little key would play the AU Fight song. I loved to sit in his lap and sing along..."War Eagle fly down the field, Ever to conquer, never to yield...." it will always be a special memory for me.

As I grew up, I learned the game by playing football with the kids in the neighborhood and watching our local high school team on Friday nights.  I can't really explain why I grew to love it so much....maybe it is the combination of happy moments spent with Dad cheering for his college alma mater and the rousing games played in yards throughout our neighborhood along with a healthy dose of traditions and pageantry often associated with the games.

There is just something about seeing that golden eagle soaring around a stadium filled with fans roaring in unison, "Warrrrrrr Eagle! Hey!" before all the home games which stirs the blood and lets me know, regardless of the wins and losses, that I am part of a great history. And I'm sure other SEC fans have their own traditions which excite and unite them. I even have my own "game day" traditions.

I have an orange AU Tiger shirt that I wear. On that shirt is my War Eagle button. And even though I may be sitting all alone in my apartment listening to the game on a borrowed radio, I will be waving a somewhat bedraggled orange and blue shaker and feverishly flapping my "fan clapper and sipping from my Auburn glass!" I will pace nervously when the game gets tough and I will cheer wildly for every touch down. For those four quarters of play I step away from my day to day struggles.....I forget about my health issues....the state of the world.....all those things which can drag me down....and the tension is gone. 

The battle fought on the football field is tough and exciting and nerve wracking but I am merely an observer.  Unlike my  life, my involvement is from a distance. My responsibilities don't impact the outcome of the game.  I can relax and leave those responsibilities and choices behind.  Maybe that's why I enjoy the game.....its a rough and tumble, pageantry filled respite from life's worries and cares
Time to put on my game day shirt, grab my Auburn cup, shaker, clapper, and relax. War Eagle everybody!