Freedom

I long for the day when I no longer have to watch every word I say......every expression which crosses my face.....to have the freedom to be who I want to be....to find and experience my happiness..my dreams. At this point in my life I still feel the burden of pleasing everyone around me....and suffer the consequences if I don't. I feel as though I am living two lives.....the one the world sees and the one which exists in my heart and mind.....the strain of keeping the two separate can be somewhat overwhelming at times. The knowledge that one day I will live the life I choose keeps me motivated....keeps me moving to the future.
There was a time in the not so distant past when I thought I would die before finding my dreams....my happiness....but now.....well, I've discovered a strength within to continue living and working toward my dreams. And if I have to endure a time period where my every move...every emotion...every word is suspect....so be it. Those who try to keep me subjugated and subservient will not be allowed to win.

Prompt #2: "I can see........."

I can see the house still, the way it appeared to the child I was. The wide shadowy porch, screened at one end and with a long, heavy white wooden swing at the other, held promises. Promises of rainy days spent watching rain water cascade from the gutters after thundering a rhythm on the tin roof. Promises of huddled conferences between the cousins over whether Dr. Crawford's son was really cute or just seemed that way because of his dancing blue eyes. Promises of swinging breathtakingly high with barefoot toes wiggling and squeals of excitement caught in our throats. Promises of daydreams waiting to be caught. All this on one wide, dusty, grey porch in a small hot Georgia town.
I sat and drank in the details of that big frame house on the corner. Thirty years of tenants moving in and out had wrought changes. It was inevitable. And yet...it was in that frame house on the corner my memories began. I began to appreciate life there. Some of my first recollections are of Christmases celebrated there.
When I got out of the car, the air felt heavy with a summer heat one can only find in the South. I heard laughter and saw the ghosts of my childhood dancing past as I stood on the cracked and buckled sidewalk directly in front of the house. It was hard not to laugh as I remembered learning how to roller skate on that same crumpled sidewalk before time and tree roots had creased its smoothness.

Writing Prompts

Here are the guidelines. Relax. Write, write, write. Don't worry about grammar, spelling, or self editing. Just let the words flow. Remember.....you aren't getting "graded" here.

Today's prompt: "I always felt safe......."

I always felt safe at night, snuggled in my narrow bed, as long as my feet didn't dangle over the edge of the bed. Everyone knows that long slithery black snakes are hiding under the bed just waiting to strike any bodily part that hangs over into their territory. And as long as my stuffed brown dog was draped over my neck.....so the vampires couldn't get to it. And my sheet was tucked around my head with just my nose sticking out.......because the zombie dolls can't see you if only your nose is showing. And I had said all the God blesses which needed to be said in order to protect all those I loved from any sort of tragedy. Yes, I think I was a safe well-adjusted and certainly fearless child.

Anyone out there?

Can't sleep....sitting here wondering if there is another lonely soul out there waiting for someone to comment on their brand new blog spot? How do you make the connection with likeminded bloggers? I'm new at this and would appreciate comments.....guidance.....advice......

Perhaps a little information about myself might strike a chord.......something beyond the "profile." Let's see.......oh.....I have rehearsals tomorrow for a community theatre production.....my first foray into musical theatre in a very long time. It has been alot of fun.....though I had to push myself to make the leap......all through the audition process my hands were shaking and I kept wanting to throw up! But I landed a role in the chorus and am enjoying using my theatrical knowledge and experience once again......and not as a director....which had been my only outlet until now.

Okay....I'm ready to hear from others.......anyone out there?

Initial Ideas

I've toyed with the idea of blogging for a while but lacked the courage to actually do so. Sharing my thoughts with those I know has always been intimidating. And now I want to share with people I haven't even met? Somehow that avenue seems safer.....isn't that funny?

Recently people and events contrived to take away my most private of joys.....journaling. To have my most intimate thoughts used as a weapon against me was most painful. For some time I was unable to write....fearing the repercussions. Those who liken the freedom to express one's thoughts through the written word to something akin to breathing will understand my pain and my loss.

However, I could not let the wounding ways of others take away my one avenue of working through complex problems or the madness of everyday living. Somehow I managed to find the courage to reclaim my right. And now I find myself grappling with decisions which will effect me and those I love for a long time to come. Perhaps the comments from others will give me the strength to attempt the things I've longed to try. Maybe my dreams for the future will return on the ideas of others.

My future without dreams seems a dismal place.

Welcome to my ramblings!