Day By Day Changes

A precious friend recommended I buy Beth Moore's book, Praying God's Word Day By Day, and use it as a guide on my journey back into God's Word.  Best money I've ever spent! It has been so long since I've looked to Scripture for comfort, for strength, for hope, for guidance.......for anything!

The first day I was comforted to find that God calls me by name!(Isaiah 43:1-4)  For one who's felt unworthy for so long being reminded that the Divine Creator calls me by name was cause for rejoicing.  I confess that it is still a struggle for me to like who I am...but I'm working on it.

Each day I've found verses which speak directly to my heart!  Today was no exception. The passage was I Peter 3:8-9 and it was a reminder to be compassionate and loving regardless of how I feel about the way I've been treated. Why? Because of the Blood Jesus shed for my forgiveness I owe it to others.  That's been hard for me.

My heart and my feelings were recently hurt very badly by someone I trusted, someone I never thought would be dishonest with me.  I thought I'd forgiven this person but obviously not because I wanted them to feel the same pain they'd caused me.....that isn't forgiveness is it?  That's why those verses spoke to my heart today.

How can I not forgive when God has forgiven so much in me?  How can can I grow beyond that "old me" if I hold on to that pain and hurt?  I can't. So I faced God and told Him I do forgive the person who hurt me.  I still find it hard to understand why it happened....but I guess it isn't for me to know right now.

Don't think it's been easy because it's not.  But every time an unkind thought creeps in, I ask God to take it and turn it into a prayer for the one who caused my pain. I've been praying that prayer alot today!!  But the thoughts are coming less frequently and so are my tears. It is another reminder that I can't change on my own.....God will need to guide my every step. And I know He will.
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No Longer Alone

Today's been kinda rough.  I've allowed myself to give in to bouts of melancholy and tears.  So much to think about but I think I'm going to have to be a bit more picky about my thoughts.  I've had to call on the Lord alot today just to deal with negative thoughts.  Bad habit of mine those negative thoughts.

I've kind of been putting off writing about what's ahead but it is probably time I at least mentioned it. In the midst of all the personal, emotional and spiritual upheaval I've been through the past two weeks I found out about a health issue I'd not anticipated.  Currently my list of health issues include(in order of diagnosis)scleraderma, fibromyalgia, and diabetes.  Yeah good times!

I was referred to an endocrinologist two months ago because despite our best efforts, my diabetes was out of control.  Nothing seemed to be working including insulin, diet, exercise. He ordered some tests and checked me out pretty thoroughly.  In the course of his exam he discovered my thyroid was enlarged on one side and decided on my follow-up visit to do an ultrasound. On June 19 I underwent the ultrasound exam and the doctor discovered I have two "nodules" on my thyroid.

One is about 1 cm and perfectly round.  He said we could just keep an eye on it.  Then he found nodule number two.  It is 2cm and oval making it look, as the doctor said, "like you swallowed an Easter egg."  Because of the size and shape, it was decided it would be in my best interest to do a biopsy, "to see exactly what we're up against."  So that's what I'm facing.

The one thing I'm sure of is that no matter what the biopsy reveals, my God will be right there with me.  To say I'm not afraid would be lying.  But I know I don't have to face the future, whatever it holds, by myself.  Good thing because I couldn't do it.....I would just fall into a million pieces and be unable to put myself back together. Most of my adult life I've dealt with an overwhelming sense of being alone....no matter how many people were around.....I felt alone.

Maybe it was because I felt unworthy of love and was sure that if anyone knew of the dark hole inside of me then my solitude would be assured.  Who knows?  I faced alot with that empty feeling gnawing away at my self-perceptions.  And it has made me weary.

Thankfully I no longer feel that way.  God has opened my eyes and cleared away the darkness.  He will fight for me.....will fill me with light and love and healing.....will allow me to renew my strength in His loving embrace.  Whatever the next health battle is, God stands with me to face it.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back or Life's a Dance

Because of the unexpected appearance of a summer cold, I've had a lot of time to think today while stretched out on the couch, drinking hot tea and blowing my nose!

I've reflected on the events of the past two weeks.  From the starting point of realizing my life as I had known it was over....two steps forward were 1.)accepting that fact 2.)changing the way I had approached life. One step back.....thinking about all the pain I'd caused people I cared about and wondering how they could ever forgive me.

Forward again....going to the people I'd hurt and accepting responsibility fot the pain my actions had caused and then asking for forgiveness.  That was so hard, so humbling, so necessary to my healing.....listening to God and having to find the courage to do what He told me.  Backing up.....holding on to the self pity and weeping for myself.

And so it has gone....and everytime, every step, whether forward or back....God has been with me.  He sends encouragement through the Scriptures, through faithful Christians, through music......He truly is in everything!  We just have to take our hands away from our eyes and look.

At this moment, I'm in forward mode.  I know, however, that there will be moments when I move back because I am human and have bad habits to shed.  I also have the assurance that God will be there to move me forward again.

Forward and back, forward and back...... life is a little bit like a dance.  Thank goodness God knows how to lead beautifully!

Forgiveness

The hardest thing for people to do is take responsibility for their actions and the subsequent consequences.  At least, for me. 

I somehow found the courage to go to people I know have been hurt, deeply, by my actions and to ask for their forgiveness.  Do you know how hard it is to admit I have been  such a self-centered deluded coward?  Difficult does not begin to describe.

To humble myself in that way was to risk dredging up the hurt all over again for all involved.  But it was what God had put in my heart to do...so I put on my big girl pants and did it.  Knowing that God had already forgiven me for those actions made it a tiny bit easier.  The hardest part was forgiving myself, something at which I'm NOT good.  The people I spoke with were understanding and some did forgive me  though some did not.  That's alright too.  Because that is their right.

The thing is I am determined to be the woman God means for me to be, no matter how difficult that path is. My job now is to wait and pray, study God's Word, surround myself with Godly people in order to become spiritually strong.

And while I do those things, I will love my friends for all they are to me, love my children for who they are becoming, and love myself....because God loved me first!

Hearing God

Some days I begin going in one direction and end up in quite another!  After the emotions and revelations and transformations of last week, I thought  4-5 days wih my best friend since childhood, known lovingly as MoMe, would be called for.  I get up, pack up, gas up and eventually leave, looking forward to time in the pool and lots of girltalk and laughter.

Then the oddest thing....

The closer I got to the town where I hit the interstate the more emotional I got.  I started weeping and praying and more weeping.....and could not for the life of me figure out what had triggered these emotions.  Finally, I pulled over...right within sight of the interstate.  Sat in a Hardee's parking lot and just sobbed.  I felt this overwhelming longing to be back in my little apartment where I could pray and read my Bible.  Called my daughter, still crying.  She talk and encouraged me to go on to my friend's because she felt it would be fun for me (something I've not experienced a lot lately.)  So I blew my nose and hit the road.

I hadn't gotten five miles down I-10 before I fell apart....AGAIN! I kept talking to God asking Him to keep me and all the other motorists on the road safe from me and my emotions.  By the time I pulled off at the next exit I was in the midst of a full blown panic attack.  Thankfully my sister lives nearby and came as soon as I called. We talked in the parking lot of Walgreens for a long time.

She finally said, 'you've always done whatever anyone expected. Why don't you do what you want? Do you know what that is?" I told her about wanting to read my Bible and pray and just rest in whatever God revealed to me.  Then she looked at me and said, 'then that's what you do!"

I said, "Okay I will." Immediately, I felt peace just wash over me and I knew that was God's plan.  It is a wonderful feeling to be in God's plan and to feel so wrong when you're not in it.  That has been a long time coming.  Most of the time I just struck out in whatever direction and hoped it was the right thing to do. But at least in this moment, I knew God meant for me to have time for me to heal and begin my spiritual renewal.  After all I do have a potentially big battle ahead.....but lets talk about that another day. 

Out of the Darkness

It is hard for me to fathom that just a week ago I was plunged so deep into the darkness of self-doubt and self-loathing that I truly felt my life held no purpose, no meaning. I confess that the last 5 years I was wandering through a Hell of my own creation without any sort of spiritual compass to guide me.  Let me rephrase, I had dropped a perfectly fine well working Compass in my self delusion and could no longer find it!  I kept picking up "maps," and "guidebooks," and listening to the advice of "travelers" who were just as lost as I was.  Believe me, it only served to lead me deeper into the desert.

I never stopped praying but to me those prayers seemed futile.  The people who honestly loved and cared for me kept sending up 'flares' but not only was I stumbling around in darkness but I had my hands over my eyes! I had become the poster child for self deluded people who wouldn't know Truth if it popped up and bit them on the behind! Seriously! I would have fared better had I popped in some earplugs.

Why? You may be asking. Because at that point, two years ago, a well practiced Deceiver stepped in to "rescue" me from myself. And in the weariness of my personal struggle, I grabbed the 'lifeline' I'd been tossed and allowed myself to pulled into the Grand Deception.  For a while I listened and thought I had finally found a way to begin loving myself.  Problem was, since I still had my hands over my eyes I couldn't see that I was out of the desert but now I was in a dark AND slimy labyrinth-like cave.And with NO flashlight!

Flash forward to one week ago. Thanks to the lies and deceptions of my 'rescuer' I now had layer upon layer of self-loathing and was so mired in the muck of the cave in which I'd imprisoned myself that I saw no reason to keep living....I was lower than I had ever been and couldn't even lift my head to look up...even with my hands still over my eyes!

That's when God said, "ENOUGH!"  He sent warrior angels in the form of three precious friends who stepped in and fought for the good they knew still lived in me....they poured words of encouragement into my ears and tried to pull my hands off my eyes. He sent a prayer warrior of tiny stature and mighty faith to pray over me and for me.........and God pulled my hands away and said, "See My Light and live!"

Sounds dramatic and it was!  If you've ever been in the kind of Stygian darkness I was in, any light, even the tiny flame of a match seems like a Sun.  Imagine the Light produced by the Master and Creator of all that is.  Yeah I should have been blinded but I wasn't...because for me the Light burned the darkness from within me and from around me and cradled me in a warm nurturing Love.

Since then God has been working and blessing me and making changes in me.  He's used His willing servants to comfort me and encourage me with their words, their thoughts, their prayers.  For the first time in my life I feel free of the bondage darkness brings.  I can say with truth and conviction that I do have good in me, I am capable of loving and being loved, I do have gifts God can and will use......

I have found my Compass again and the path I see is paved in peace, joy and the Love of God......He has made me worthy.

Silver Linings

So.....here it is another day.  The goal  for today is to find at least one good thing in this chaos I call my life.

  My daughter and I had a long overdue heart to heart.....that is my good thing today.  Though I think it may have only served to confirm that her mother is out of her fricking mind!

But at least she knows now that I am trying to come to terms with the fact I don't know who or what I am.. or even what my purpose is....that my self-doubts now have me paralyzed to the point I REALLY need guidance to make it through.  And she's willing to step in and help me through it.

I also realized today the only concept of "love" I know to be good and pure and honest is the love I have for my children.  That knowledge is concrete in my mind and perhaps is the cornerstone I need to use to begin building who I am supposed to be.

I can only hope......and maybe that is a good place to start...with hope. 

Moving Forward

It is hard but I'm still inching forward....crawling rather than walking at times....but forward at any speed is good right?  Managed to make it through this morning with only one teeny crying spell. 

However, right now, I feel an impending panic attack and am doing all I can not to give in.  Anger is welling up and the need to cause pain or destruction is racing through my body.  Taking deep breathes and trying to remember my mantra="I will survive this." Hurting myself will not make this right....saving whats left of myself will.

I will survive this i will survive this i will survive this

One Step at a Time-2

Trying to sort through my emotions and hitting roadblocks to clarity.  I know weariness clouds my reasoning and judgement but can't seem to sleep enough to banish the lack of energy.  Xanax and Ambien allow me about two hours of oblivion and then I'm awake to once again wrestle with the dark thoughts.

Sometimes the anger, the rage I feel frightens me......at those moments I want only to destroy anything and everything around me.....to kill whatever is within me that allows me to feel.  Numbness seems to be the only path to coping.

Then grief takes over and i am once again drowning in a lake of self-recriminations. 

However...........those times are growing further apart.......I am taking tiny though very difficult steps toward a clearer path.  I will allow myself to grieve but will not allow myself to stand still and build a wall of pain around my life. I will see the rage for what it is...a natural part of my healing process.

There is a door at the end of the dark hallway I find myself in.  I'm making my way toward it.....hoping that when I get to it I will have the courage to open it and find my way to myself.

One Step at a Time

Made it through today with only one major panic attack which I forestalled somewhat with half a Xanax......progress for me. 

Trying to work through all the emotions while keeping a lid on the sudden flahes of anger and rage roaring  through my heart and mind is wearing me out.  Just taking one breath after another is tiring. 

Sleep alludes me...a xanax and an ambien equals two hours sleep before I wake to greet the dark thoughts which haunt me.  My own personal dragons....poor self-esteem, doubt, shame, worthlessness to name a few...rant and rale and hurl recriminations........."if only I'd been smarter....or prettier....or more intriguing....or had a better body"........you're not good enough, you're not good enough....on and on it goes.......

And in my weariness it is all too easy to believe.....

So I take one step......and drop one bright and shining thought into the lake of darkness I find myself drowning in......."you are caring"......the ripples move out growing and spreading......."you are nurturing"...more ripples......"you are giving".......as the ripples grow so does the light....pushing back the darkness at least for a while......

I seek peace as I contemplate the next step toward a new path.

Back in the Pit One More Time

After two years of thinking I had myself, my life together....I find that I haven't learned my lessons very well.  Being too trusting, too giving, too loving, too every good attribute I could try to possess has once again landed me back where I was at the end of my marriage.....a victim of manipulation and a delusional reality. 

It's so much harder this time to put the pieces of me back because I know longer trust my judgement.....what is true?what is good?what is right? Throwing away all my perceptions of goodness, love, honesty seems my safest bet.......putting up that wall that protected me for 30 years makes the most sense............because I can hide behind the wall and no one will know that "I" don't really exist......and I can safely move through life without ever having to invest any of my "self" in any one again.

All that and finding myself facing the spectre of the "Big C" all at once....how lucky am I? Friends keep telling me its all gonna work out, its all gonna make me stronger, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, etc. I don't think they know how weary I am.....exactly how big a toll this past 6 months has taken on me.................there is nothing left. I'm hanging on by a micro thin hair.

And though there are friends and family who love and care and support all surrounding me.......i am alone at the center.....having to decide whether to jump of the cliff or climb over the mountain.  Only time will tell.