"God Just Hears a Melody"

I heard a song on the radio that touched my heart.  It's a song by Amy Grant and I'd heard it before...but this time the chorus resonated within me. Perhaps because of what I'd been dealing with mentally, emotionally, even physically, it just struck a chord.

"We pour out our miseries

 God just hears a melody

 Beautiful, the mess we are

 The honest cries of broken hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah..."

 

When one fights pain and the accompanying feelings of depression on a regular basis, it is easy to feel like a whining baby.....or that God is tired of hearing it! There have been times when I've felt that perhaps my failure to handle things better is a sign of a lack of faith.....believe me I've often questioned my own value in God's eyes. I mean, how can I consider myself a woman of faith when I falter in my spiritual walk so frequently?

 

For me, Ms. Grants' lyrics put it beautifully,

"We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody..."

My sadness, my pain, my fears when offered to God, become a beautiful song. Why? How? Because He loves ME! God wants me to turn to Him...to trust Him...to allow Him to comfort me. That is a thing of beauty.

 

It can be easier to offer up shouts and words of praise when life is 'good'....meaning pain free, sorrow free, conflict free...than when it is a constant struggle. My 'misery' poured out to God on a daily basis can be so much better than a 'hallelujah' offered up during the good times. Don't get me wrong! I also offer praise and thanksgiving for all that He has done in my life....continues to do in my life even when I falter.

 

The bottom line for me is constant communion with my loving God is so much more healthy than only praising Him for that in my life which is obviously good. It took a long time to learn that lesson! And sometimes, it takes a song on the radio to remind me of what I've learned.

Positive Thinking

I've experienced my first stomach virus of this school year and it was a doozie! For some reason it triggered a pain episode which just complicated everthing! Things had been going so well at work too....it would have been easy to just sink into the "poor pitiful me" stage.....but I didn't.

I figured it would be a good time to think on the positives. So I did.

Looking back over the past year, two years.....I realized I am in a much better place than I was a year ago, even two years ago.....and it feels great. The biggest, most important change for me has been to let God be actively part of my life.....not just the nebulous distant God  whose love I felt I could never be worthy of. It is so much better to have Him close....to lean on Him....to feel His strength and power....to know His comfort is there for me, for all His people.

My job has become even more enjoyable....being able to share my passion for writing with the students....to see them embrace their own writing abilities with excitement.....it is an answered prayer. For me there is no doubt, being in this job at this time is where God wants me. If it weren't so, I wouldn't feel this peace.  God's will for my life...His plan for me....it is perfect for me. As for the salary.....well, I'm resting in the knowledge that I matter as much to God as the birds who are fed daily according to God's bounty......in other words, He will provide.

Although I am very often alone...I don't feel the loneliness quite as much. Preparing for the writing lessons at school helps fill the time....writing for the blog is a pleasure and takes time....reading and studying the Scriptures helps me realize how blessed I am.....and how letting God in, means I'm never really alone anymore. And more importantly, having God with me in all parts of my life helps me know He will protect me from those who would deceive me as some in my past have done.

Am I still in pain? Physically, yes, and sometimes, like today, it takes everything within me to raise myself from the bed.  Am I in pain spiritually? Not anymore....God healed that pain just as one day I will experience God's perfect healing for my physical ailments. 

Looking into the past used to cause me such pain.  Now I know, seeing how painful life was without God's presence, that I am in a much better place because He is with me. And looking back makes me see how far I've come because of God's love.

God's Perfect Timing

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 36 : 7

Have you ever been in the midst of some great trial or tribulation, been experiencing a devastating loss, or felt like your troubles were increasing with flood like speed and thought, "why is this happening God?  Why? What possible good can come from this?"

I cannot tell you the number of times I have shouted at God and told Him, "I have had enough...I can't take it anymore!" I've wept copious tears and as you know, pulled myself as far from God as I could, all because of my inability to let God work in His own time.......like I've said, I cannot see the big picture of my life, but God can and does.

This morning as I had my 'quiet time' before the day begins.....my time to be in God's presence, to lift my face to Him and say I love You Lord and I am yours......fill me up with the desire to do what You would have me do today....................He showed me moments from my past, moments when I felt there could be no possible reason for Him to let things happen the way they did! And He showed me why I needed it to happen.

I want to share a few with you if I may. 

When my first son was born the labor was long and difficult for me and for him.  Within a few hours of his birth, the pediatrician came to me and said my precious baby was a very sick little boy.  Because of the long labor, Michael had aspiration pneumonia and would need to be transported to a larger hospital in Montgomery where there was a neonatal intensive care unit. Can you imagine the fear and anguish racing through me? And then to be told I could not be released for another 3-4 days?  Why God?  Why? I could not see any purpose in God allowing me to endure this......until later.

Five years later, a dear friend gave birth to a sweet baby girl that they had prayed for and longed for.  The day after her birth my friend called with the news that her baby girl was so very sick and could I please come be with her as she sat by her baby's bed in the hospital?  Of course I could and I did.....and because I had been through much the same experience with my own baby, I knew the kind of comfort that new mother needed, knew the prayers to pray, knew what to do. God's timing my friends....He knew what my friend needed before anyone else and He prepared someone, me, to provide it.

A few years before my youngest son was born, I suffered a devastating miscarriage.  It plunged me into a depression so deep I doubted I would recover.  Why God? Why do this to me? You know how much my babies mean to me?  What lesson are you trying to teach me?  And of course there was a purpose, His plan in action.

Within a year, a young couple we knew went through the same thing....and yes, God gave me the words to say to provide the comfort she needed....and we grieved together for the loss of our children.  God's timing although I didn't see it then.

Most recently, I have been trying desperately to find a 'real' teaching job which is difficult for a woman of my age in this economy and in the area of expertise in which I wanted to teach-English/Speech.  However, for some reason, there were three openings in our city school system AND I was able to secure interviews for all three! I felt that God was answering my prayer....and He was....just not in the way I had anticipated.

  I had three wonderful interviews and was so excited at the opportunity to be able to teach a subject I enjoyed.  In my head, I began making plans for my classroom and for the students I would teach!! Then I received one very encouraging letter and two very polite phone calls....."you have so much to offer BUT we've decided to go in another direction."  Just like that my world came crashing down....and continued to fall in around me until that fateful night God stepped in and said, ENOUGH!

Now looking back I can see that God answered my prayers perfectly.  Had I gotten any one of those jobs it would have been too much especially given the fact I had to have major surgery with a fairly long recovery period.  I would have killed myself trying to have everything ready for school to start and probably would have lengthened my recovery time as a result.  Yes, God's timing is perfect even if we don't see it at the time.

So what am I going to work on?  Well, first and foremost, understanding that even when things seem to be going so badly.....God has a reason, a lesson for me to learn and I have to be willing to be patient about finding out what it might be......not easy for me I confess. Secondly, I have to remember to take comfort in His steadfast love,  and when the pain is great I can take "refuge in the shadow of His wings." And lastly, I have to remember not to pray 'answers' to my prayers.....I just need to pray my heart and let God's answers come....His timing is perfect.

Preserve Me O God

Tomorrow is the big day...I will have a total thyroidectomy.  I met with the surgeon, did all my pre-op lab work, and now just have to show up at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning! Since it is an hour's drive I'm thinking I won't get much sleep. But that's okay.

Lots of feelings tumbling around in my head. Lots of thoughts flitting through my brain. Am I nervous? Yes, you could say that. Am I worried? Not really. I have put this whole situation in God's Hands. There are lots of people all over the world praying for me and as a friend reminded me, "prayer is a powerful thing."

If for whatever reason, things go awry and I don't live through the surgery.....it is okay. I'm not afraid of death....I know Who will be waiting to receive me!  My only regret will be not having more time here to be with my children.....to let them know in every way possible how much I love them and how very proud of them I have always been! 

There are still lots of things I'd like to do here.....lots of things to learn....lots of friends o make...lots of journeys to take.  But ultimately, I know that what I want and what I need are two different things.  Only God knows what I really need...and He provides those things for me every single day. Sometimes I don't even know I need them until they are there...that is how amazing God is.

The verse in Psalms that brought me much comfort this morning is this:

"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, 'You are my Lord, I have no good apart from you." Psalm 16:1-2

I take refuge....shelter...strength...comfort...guidance...all those things from trusting and resting in God. It isn't always easy to just let go....surrender everything to Him.  Because I want to "fix" things all by myself.....but when I try to do that.....I usually make a big mess.  That's because I don't see the "Big" picture...not the way God does.

The second part of the verse is a reminder to me, "You are my Lord, I have no good apart from you."  And I don't! I have years of experience being 'apart' from God......it wasn't all bad but it wasn't perfectly good either.  There's no way it could be.....if I wasn't letting God lead me in everything then I made some bad choices.  I don't want to be in that place again.

So, every moment of every day, I will reach out and ask God to "preserve me." In joy and in sorrow I will call out to Him and He will rejoice with me and He will comfort me......how amazing that the God who created everything is always there for His children.

God will be with me tomorrow through the surgery....the recovery...and whatever follows.  My prayer is that it will be apparent to all Who is in charge of my life.....and how thankful I am that He is.

Day By Day Changes

A precious friend recommended I buy Beth Moore's book, Praying God's Word Day By Day, and use it as a guide on my journey back into God's Word.  Best money I've ever spent! It has been so long since I've looked to Scripture for comfort, for strength, for hope, for guidance.......for anything!

The first day I was comforted to find that God calls me by name!(Isaiah 43:1-4)  For one who's felt unworthy for so long being reminded that the Divine Creator calls me by name was cause for rejoicing.  I confess that it is still a struggle for me to like who I am...but I'm working on it.

Each day I've found verses which speak directly to my heart!  Today was no exception. The passage was I Peter 3:8-9 and it was a reminder to be compassionate and loving regardless of how I feel about the way I've been treated. Why? Because of the Blood Jesus shed for my forgiveness I owe it to others.  That's been hard for me.

My heart and my feelings were recently hurt very badly by someone I trusted, someone I never thought would be dishonest with me.  I thought I'd forgiven this person but obviously not because I wanted them to feel the same pain they'd caused me.....that isn't forgiveness is it?  That's why those verses spoke to my heart today.

How can I not forgive when God has forgiven so much in me?  How can can I grow beyond that "old me" if I hold on to that pain and hurt?  I can't. So I faced God and told Him I do forgive the person who hurt me.  I still find it hard to understand why it happened....but I guess it isn't for me to know right now.

Don't think it's been easy because it's not.  But every time an unkind thought creeps in, I ask God to take it and turn it into a prayer for the one who caused my pain. I've been praying that prayer alot today!!  But the thoughts are coming less frequently and so are my tears. It is another reminder that I can't change on my own.....God will need to guide my every step. And I know He will.
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