Learning to Abide

At home today....yeah, a "fibro flair" after many amazing weeks without one. Haven't actually been totally pain free but it has been much more manageable....sigh....I did go in to work, did my morning duty....then had to leave.

God is teaching me something I'm sure....because I have so very much to learn about so very many things.

Perhaps He's already planted the seed.  Eight months ago I bought Beth Moore's book Praying God's Word Day By Day and I read it every morning as part of my devotional reading. Today she said, "Help me not only fully accept how much You love me, but help me to abide in Your love (John 15:9.) It started me thinking.

Since that moment eight months ago when I was reminded how much God did indeed love me, I have lived moment by moment, day by day accepting that love. Now I think I need to go a step further....learn to "abide" in His love. But what does that mean?

To abide means to remain, to reside, to continue without change....in God's love. How comforting is that? To remain...in God's love, to reside...in God's love, to continue without change....in God's love.  In God's total, forgiving, accepting, encouraging, unchanging, nurturing, nourishing LOVE! It is all there for me...and you...and anyone who wants it.

I accept God's love in all its manifestations and from this moment, I will strive to learn how to 'abide' in His love, moment by moment, day by day. It is His gift to me....to us.

A Day of Miracles

Today is a day of miracles! How do I know this? Because today is the day I pay my bills....except for rent because it is always paid on the first....but the other stuff.  You know, water, power, phone, tv/Internet, medical....all those necessities.  And I know miracles will be wrought because it happens every month.

I know my paycheck is barely enough to cover these and still pay for groceries and gas in the car.  But every month somehow...God makes it stretch.  Why? Because He has promised to meet my needs as long as I follow Him and trust Him to do so.  There have been months when I spent many sleepless nights wondering how I was going to do it....how I would have the money to survive these basic monthly payments.....and I do mean basics because on my salary, there is no room for extras or splurges.

But I have gradually learned to let it go.  I've learned to take God at His word and trust Him to keep His Promises.  And He does....every single time. And as far as extras and splurges go....I've found that God has a way of surprising me with those too! Sometimes its "Buy One Get One Free" sales at the grocery store and sometimes its an invitation from a friend to go out for coffee-their treat, or a discount on a haircut from my hairdresser because I've referred so many new clients to her shop....always unexpected and always appreciated are these blessings from God.

So I will go ahead and say, "Thank You Lord for all that You do for me. Thank you for taking care of my needs and for loving me enough to do so. Help me to remember to share Your love with all those around me."

An Ordinary Woman

Even though I've spent the last two days fighting the pain of a fearsome fibro flare up, I feel so blessed! God has reminded me of that in numerous ways......from the smiles of children as they show me the library book they brought to school to the coworker who, realizing how badly I was hurting, bent and whispered a prayer in my ear.

A flare up this intense used to push me right over the edge into a pool of dark thoughts and needless anxiety. Not this time. No, this time was different. I fell into the peaceful loving arms of my God who held me, cradled me and reminded me of all that is good about my life. Instead of bemoaning my fate and working myself into a state of endless weeping......I prayed.

First, my prayers were those of thanksgiving......for all the blessings I now see more clearly....then I prayed for my children......their safety, their place in God's plan.....I prayed for other family members........my parents,my sister, my nephew, my aunts and uncles, my cousins.....and it was more than just a "God bless" litany of names.  After all, when pain makes one immobile there is lots of time for some in-depth praying!

Then I prayed about my 'failings' as a person.....except I don't see them as failings anymore....no, I see them more as characteristics upon which I need to improve. God alone has the power to make those kind of improvements....thats why I pray! Because I want more than anything to grow and become the woman, the person, God has planned me to be.  At this moment I choose to see the pain I endure as a tool by which I am molded and shaped into an instrument of God's love. Believe me, when physical pain is a constant companion, it is better to view it as a positive than a negative.

Sometimes when I read over what I've written I worry that I sound like a "Goody Two Shoes." Believe me I am not! I am just an ordinary woman trying to find my way through life....thank you for letting me share my spiritual journey with each of you.

Positive Thinking

I've experienced my first stomach virus of this school year and it was a doozie! For some reason it triggered a pain episode which just complicated everthing! Things had been going so well at work too....it would have been easy to just sink into the "poor pitiful me" stage.....but I didn't.

I figured it would be a good time to think on the positives. So I did.

Looking back over the past year, two years.....I realized I am in a much better place than I was a year ago, even two years ago.....and it feels great. The biggest, most important change for me has been to let God be actively part of my life.....not just the nebulous distant God  whose love I felt I could never be worthy of. It is so much better to have Him close....to lean on Him....to feel His strength and power....to know His comfort is there for me, for all His people.

My job has become even more enjoyable....being able to share my passion for writing with the students....to see them embrace their own writing abilities with excitement.....it is an answered prayer. For me there is no doubt, being in this job at this time is where God wants me. If it weren't so, I wouldn't feel this peace.  God's will for my life...His plan for me....it is perfect for me. As for the salary.....well, I'm resting in the knowledge that I matter as much to God as the birds who are fed daily according to God's bounty......in other words, He will provide.

Although I am very often alone...I don't feel the loneliness quite as much. Preparing for the writing lessons at school helps fill the time....writing for the blog is a pleasure and takes time....reading and studying the Scriptures helps me realize how blessed I am.....and how letting God in, means I'm never really alone anymore. And more importantly, having God with me in all parts of my life helps me know He will protect me from those who would deceive me as some in my past have done.

Am I still in pain? Physically, yes, and sometimes, like today, it takes everything within me to raise myself from the bed.  Am I in pain spiritually? Not anymore....God healed that pain just as one day I will experience God's perfect healing for my physical ailments. 

Looking into the past used to cause me such pain.  Now I know, seeing how painful life was without God's presence, that I am in a much better place because He is with me. And looking back makes me see how far I've come because of God's love.

He Cares

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares about you." I Peter 5:7

I spent today doing just that....giving all my anxiety to God.  For some reason  I felt overwhelmed by so much.....and by so many different things. The surgery was 2 weeks ago and I really thought I would have felt more energy than I do......and less pain.  School begins Monday and I really need to feel better than I do today!

Today for the first time, I thought to myself, "I wonder if God ever tires of my weeping and whining to Him?"  And I felt guilty for being so weak, for not being able to be strong, ........and many more negative thoughts kept on coming....and I felt like I was sliding into a place I never wanted to be in again. A place where I couldn't find anything about myself to like......a place where I couldn't imagine God being able to love someone like me.

But unlike times past, I stopped myself.....because God does love me.  I turned to Scripture for the comfort I felt I needed and there was I Peter 5: 7...."Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares about you." There was the answer. No, God does not get tired of hearing me weeping and whining.  It says in His Word I am to cast all my anxiety on Him.  Not just a little bit once in a while....all of it!And I am to do this because He cares about me....not just sometimes....always.

I am working daily on becoming a better person.....on following God's guidance in all parts of my life.  For too long I stumbled in darkness causing pain to myself and to people I love......but I'm not in that place anymore.  I am content to lean on God...to wait patiently for His plan to unfold.....and to let Him love me.

Forgiveness

The hardest thing for people to do is take responsibility for their actions and the subsequent consequences.  At least, for me. 

I somehow found the courage to go to people I know have been hurt, deeply, by my actions and to ask for their forgiveness.  Do you know how hard it is to admit I have been  such a self-centered deluded coward?  Difficult does not begin to describe.

To humble myself in that way was to risk dredging up the hurt all over again for all involved.  But it was what God had put in my heart to do...so I put on my big girl pants and did it.  Knowing that God had already forgiven me for those actions made it a tiny bit easier.  The hardest part was forgiving myself, something at which I'm NOT good.  The people I spoke with were understanding and some did forgive me  though some did not.  That's alright too.  Because that is their right.

The thing is I am determined to be the woman God means for me to be, no matter how difficult that path is. My job now is to wait and pray, study God's Word, surround myself with Godly people in order to become spiritually strong.

And while I do those things, I will love my friends for all they are to me, love my children for who they are becoming, and love myself....because God loved me first!