Becoming An Artist

I'm beginning a new adventure today!  Some of you know I like to draw....well, make doodles on paper actually...hahaha! Someone saw some of my Tangled images and has hired me to paint a family tree mural in their home! Crazy right? I'm both nervous and excited!

Nervous because it is a really big project....a 12-14 foot "family" tree in the landing of the staircase. Don't get me wrong. I have always longed to just paint images on the walls of my apartment....although the management would strongly disapprove! And now I'm actually going to have the opportunity to create something huge!  I've done preliminary sketches and gotten input from the client who has a definite vision in mind.....made some modifications.....done the preliminary drawing on the surface to be painted and today.....today I begin painting!  Huge butterflies in my stomach!

Of course, I'm also nervous because I do not want to disappoint.....this tree is special because the client wants it done as a surprise for his daughters who will be arriving the first part of June to spend the summer with him. And his girls mean everything to him!

My excitement comes from being able to create....to take my drawing from my mind to paper to blank wall.  To be able to turn a bare stairwell into a vibrant image of the growth of a family makes my creative juices flow!  Maybe this will turn into something for me....a side job which allows me to take all those creative thoughts and turn them into images which reflect the joy I have inside. It would be so much fun to add some whimsy into unexpected places.

It is kind of neat to know I have a relatives who was an artist who also painted on walls so to speak.  Of course, he painted frescoes in churches in Italy which is a little different from what I'm attempting.  He also was a famous portrait artist having painted a portrait of Queen Elizabeth II among others.  I don't have his skill but I like to think we share some of the same passion.  I had the privilege of visiting him in his studio in Florence when I was 18....a memory I cherish.

For now, I will simply put my passion to work creating something which will bring joy to a father and his daughters.....that will be enough. For now....

Celebrate Where You Are

Today our school had our own Earth Day celebration....I know the official Earth Day is April 22...but we needed a full day for programs and stuff.  Our First Graders presented a wonderful program of music peppered with narrated wisdom.  To see those sweet young faces glowing with excitement at the thought of performing for parents and other students was heart warming.  Our Beta club students shared the performance they did at the State Convention and our show choir performed their last show of the year.  Everything was done in out Outdoor Classroom under the sunny skies.

Lots of parents and grandparents came and shared picnic lunches with the students before the performance which is always crazy fun.  It was sad seeing the Sixth graders who will soon be moving on to Junior High.....so many of them started here as kindergartners.  Watching them grow into poised young men and women is a joy.....I'm glad so many of them choose to come back and visit us as they progress through the rest of their school years......they are part of our Pinedale family forever!

I know earlier this week I was doubting my career choice and feeling depressed because I felt as if I had wasted so many years as an aide hoping to eventually be hired as a teacher.........and being passed over for so many positions the past three years. But looking around today, I know I've been where I needed to be...at least up until this point.  Only God knows what He has planned for me beyond this moment......and because He loves me, I know it will be perfect.

A Party of One

Sitting here alone...and feeling lonely.  When I was first divorced and had moved into this apartment....I quite often felt both alone and miserably lonely.  As time passed, I grew accustomed to being alone and the loneliness gradually eased.  There was no time to be lonely.  I worked two jobs and went to school at night and tried to find my place...my new place in the life I was now living.

Nowadays I don't often feel the loneliness I did then....at least not as often.  But today...tonight....the loneliness is tangible.  It is as if the loneliness sits with me in the quiet of my home and reminds me that although I have my precious children....they are building their own lives.....and I have friends who are as dear to me as family....they also have their own lives.........yes, I am reminded that being alone is my lot in life. 

Sometimes I need my space and being alone is acceptable......but knowing that I must be alone even when I do not want to be....it hurts my heart.  Because deep inside I want to be part of a pair....part of a couple....to have someone to love and cherish and who will love and cherish me......someone to laugh with and cry with and grow old with.  The difficulty for me now is accepting my loneliness and adjusting my dreams to include only one.....myself.

Brief Thought

Last night, for the first time in a relatively long time, the fibro monster reared its ugly head.....and sleep did not come easy.  As a result today was difficult for me....the pain was one issue I dealt with along with children anxious for school to be OVER....and rescheduled grade level projects.....my world is topsy turvy.

And at a time when I should be filled with joy at all the good things in my life, I feel depression tugging at my coat tails......maybe depression is the wrong word.  Quite suddenly I feel no sense of purpose in my life......I find myself questioning whether I am in the right profession? Am I impacting my students in a positive way?  Perhaps there is another field where I might do more good......but I cannot imagine switching careers at my age........and so my thoughts went today.

It is highly probable that these thoughts are simply the result of fitful sleep and the resulting pain. I have no time for pain....it slows me....it slows my life....it attempts to limit what I want to accomplish with the time I have left......and that angers me.

Strength and Comfort

Do you ever have days when you are simply mad at the world? Times when it seems that every aspect your life has gone completely haywire and you can't seem to find the off switch? All those negative emotions.....depression, tension, anger, worry, doubt,........seem to intensify until there seems to be no way to stop that downward spiral?

That is exactly where I am at this moment.

Why in the world would I share this?  Because I know that I am NOT the only person to ever feel this way.  Just as I know those of us who hit these lows, manage to find our way to our happy place eventually.  Sometimes it helps to know, I am not alone in this struggle.....I'm not and neither are you. 

There are those who would throw my faith in God in my face during these low times....asking where's your God now?  My response is always the same......He is where He always is.....it is myself that has changed...that has moved away from my Source of strength and peace.  Why do I do that????

The answer is simple......I allow myself to be distracted by my day to day struggles, choosing to deal with them on my own, letting God handle the BIG problems.  And you know what happens....every single time?  My day to day, seemingly insignificant problems, start piling up.....they begin occurring at a more rapid pace than I am able to deal with.....and before I know it.....they have become a "big" problem! And I have to let God handle it any way.

How much more sensible would it be to just let God deal with all my issues....moment by moment and day by day?  I've never been accused of being sensible....maybe I should try it once in a while.
I know I don't enjoy this feeling of my life being out of control....of being angry over things about which I have no control.  The need for a good, hard, soul cleansing cry is becoming more apparent as each moment passes........so if you will excuse me, I'm going to put myself in the ever waiting arms of my loving God and let Him wipe my tears as I draw strength and comfort from Him.

The Wedding

The wedding planning has begun! And I am slightly overwhelmed by the number of details one must attend to in order to have a successful event.  My respect for event planners and coordinators has increased dramatically.  My daughter, her fiance, her Dad and I met this past weekend to discuss some of the myriad of details which must be decided upon.  It lasted 3 hours and at the end of that time.....we had a date.....a venue... a photographer....a florist.......and a list of caterers to call. Nothing has been finalized except the date and venue.....everything else is contingent upon availability.

Do you know how far in advance you need to begin in order to have everything fall in place the way one envisioned?  Neither do I apparently....

Nor did I realize how quickly a small wedding turns into a much larger wedding.....very quickly.  Initially I'd thought, with help from friends and family, I'd be able to put together a sweet, romantic wedding for my daughter. That is not to be.  As such, caterers, florists, photographers all must be hired....in addition to audio/visual technicians..an organist and pianist..custodians....kitchen workers....the list goes on.

I now have in my possession a "wedding notebook" in which I record every thought I have about The Wedding!  It goes with me everywhere....so I can record where I saw "wedding bubbles" for sale and for how much.......or places to look for that ribbon we need in that extra special shade.....or menu samples from caterers....One just never knows! This morning I found three more silver hairs on top of my head.....natural aging or results of the The Wedding?  You decide.

It will all come together....eventually.  And all that really matters is that in about ten months, my daughter will become the wife of the man she loves and who loves her.......