Some days I begin going in one direction and end up in quite another! After the emotions and revelations and transformations of last week, I thought 4-5 days wih my best friend since childhood, known lovingly as MoMe, would be called for. I get up, pack up, gas up and eventually leave, looking forward to time in the pool and lots of girltalk and laughter.
Then the oddest thing....
The closer I got to the town where I hit the interstate the more emotional I got. I started weeping and praying and more weeping.....and could not for the life of me figure out what had triggered these emotions. Finally, I pulled over...right within sight of the interstate. Sat in a Hardee's parking lot and just sobbed. I felt this overwhelming longing to be back in my little apartment where I could pray and read my Bible. Called my daughter, still crying. She talk and encouraged me to go on to my friend's because she felt it would be fun for me (something I've not experienced a lot lately.) So I blew my nose and hit the road.
I hadn't gotten five miles down I-10 before I fell apart....AGAIN! I kept talking to God asking Him to keep me and all the other motorists on the road safe from me and my emotions. By the time I pulled off at the next exit I was in the midst of a full blown panic attack. Thankfully my sister lives nearby and came as soon as I called. We talked in the parking lot of Walgreens for a long time.
She finally said, 'you've always done whatever anyone expected. Why don't you do what you want? Do you know what that is?" I told her about wanting to read my Bible and pray and just rest in whatever God revealed to me. Then she looked at me and said, 'then that's what you do!"
I said, "Okay I will." Immediately, I felt peace just wash over me and I knew that was God's plan. It is a wonderful feeling to be in God's plan and to feel so wrong when you're not in it. That has been a long time coming. Most of the time I just struck out in whatever direction and hoped it was the right thing to do. But at least in this moment, I knew God meant for me to have time for me to heal and begin my spiritual renewal. After all I do have a potentially big battle ahead.....but lets talk about that another day.