After two years of thinking I had myself, my life together....I find that I haven't learned my lessons very well. Being too trusting, too giving, too loving, too every good attribute I could try to possess has once again landed me back where I was at the end of my marriage.....a victim of manipulation and a delusional reality.
It's so much harder this time to put the pieces of me back because I know longer trust my judgement.....what is true?what is good?what is right? Throwing away all my perceptions of goodness, love, honesty seems my safest bet.......putting up that wall that protected me for 30 years makes the most sense............because I can hide behind the wall and no one will know that "I" don't really exist......and I can safely move through life without ever having to invest any of my "self" in any one again.
All that and finding myself facing the spectre of the "Big C" all at once....how lucky am I? Friends keep telling me its all gonna work out, its all gonna make me stronger, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, etc. I don't think they know how weary I am.....exactly how big a toll this past 6 months has taken on me.................there is nothing left. I'm hanging on by a micro thin hair.
And though there are friends and family who love and care and support all surrounding me.......i am alone at the center.....having to decide whether to jump of the cliff or climb over the mountain. Only time will tell.