Today's been kinda rough. I've allowed myself to give in to bouts of melancholy and tears. So much to think about but I think I'm going to have to be a bit more picky about my thoughts. I've had to call on the Lord alot today just to deal with negative thoughts. Bad habit of mine those negative thoughts.
I've kind of been putting off writing about what's ahead but it is probably time I at least mentioned it. In the midst of all the personal, emotional and spiritual upheaval I've been through the past two weeks I found out about a health issue I'd not anticipated. Currently my list of health issues include(in order of diagnosis)scleraderma, fibromyalgia, and diabetes. Yeah good times!
I was referred to an endocrinologist two months ago because despite our best efforts, my diabetes was out of control. Nothing seemed to be working including insulin, diet, exercise. He ordered some tests and checked me out pretty thoroughly. In the course of his exam he discovered my thyroid was enlarged on one side and decided on my follow-up visit to do an ultrasound. On June 19 I underwent the ultrasound exam and the doctor discovered I have two "nodules" on my thyroid.
One is about 1 cm and perfectly round. He said we could just keep an eye on it. Then he found nodule number two. It is 2cm and oval making it look, as the doctor said, "like you swallowed an Easter egg." Because of the size and shape, it was decided it would be in my best interest to do a biopsy, "to see exactly what we're up against." So that's what I'm facing.
The one thing I'm sure of is that no matter what the biopsy reveals, my God will be right there with me. To say I'm not afraid would be lying. But I know I don't have to face the future, whatever it holds, by myself. Good thing because I couldn't do it.....I would just fall into a million pieces and be unable to put myself back together. Most of my adult life I've dealt with an overwhelming sense of being alone....no matter how many people were around.....I felt alone.
Maybe it was because I felt unworthy of love and was sure that if anyone knew of the dark hole inside of me then my solitude would be assured. Who knows? I faced alot with that empty feeling gnawing away at my self-perceptions. And it has made me weary.
Thankfully I no longer feel that way. God has opened my eyes and cleared away the darkness. He will fight for me.....will fill me with light and love and healing.....will allow me to renew my strength in His loving embrace. Whatever the next health battle is, God stands with me to face it.