Glacier National Park 2010

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The First Step

I've been on a journey for several years now. My path has been rife with choices, decisions, discoveries, about myself, about those around me. For a long while I was content to let others choose for me. It was easier that way and the boat rocked less and I could watch the scenery without worrying about getting off the path. But then I began to catch glimpses of things off the path.....things I wanted to examine more closely.......places I wanted to see and experience.......people to learn from. But those who had chosen for me had already mapped out the course I must would cause them inconvenience........if I loved them I would do what they knew would be right for me......for them. And then I looked back......down the path I'd taken and I saw what a distance I'd come.......and beside the path I saw broken dreams scattered as if by trampling feet.......I saw desires shriveled and covered with cobwebs of neglect.....and a gnawing hurt began in my soul and spread through my body....who would have treated someones dreams and desires so callously and for what reason? I stopped to question and was told those had been my dreams, my desires.......choices which would not have fit in with the course others thought best and so had been jettisoned to make room for the future others had planned for me. You know we love you so trust us to take care of you!........I retreated to a dark and lonely place within myself to ponder these things.......were the others right? Were those choices best for me? If so......why did I feel no hope, no joy........Then came the voice as if from a great distance........"you have only one it to the fullest......find your happiness."

What happened then? Why I stepped off the path! I began moving toward that voice and when I did small cracks began forming in the wall I had unknowingly built around my heart.....and the further I moved off the chosen path larger cracks began allowing feelings thoughts I examined ideas and possibilities chunks of the wall began tumbling off and I began feeling an energy building........I turned to share this with those who had always chosen for me and saw on their faces anger, disappointment, fear, can you do this to us?

If you loved me you would want my happiness I thought. I'm glad I took that first step toward my happiness and fulfilment.

Today I took another step......into a dark and somewhat scary tunnel through a mountain.....but I see a light at the other end and as long as I focus on that light........I'll get through the scary bits and come out into a whole new life.