Made it through today with only one major panic attack which I forestalled somewhat with half a Xanax......progress for me.
Trying to work through all the emotions while keeping a lid on the sudden flahes of anger and rage roaring through my heart and mind is wearing me out. Just taking one breath after another is tiring.
Sleep alludes me...a xanax and an ambien equals two hours sleep before I wake to greet the dark thoughts which haunt me. My own personal dragons....poor self-esteem, doubt, shame, worthlessness to name a few...rant and rale and hurl recriminations........."if only I'd been smarter....or prettier....or more intriguing....or had a better body"........you're not good enough, you're not good enough....on and on it goes.......
And in my weariness it is all too easy to believe.....
So I take one step......and drop one bright and shining thought into the lake of darkness I find myself drowning in......."you are caring"......the ripples move out growing and spreading......."you are nurturing"...more ripples......"you are giving".......as the ripples grow so does the light....pushing back the darkness at least for a while......
I seek peace as I contemplate the next step toward a new path.
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