Trying to sort through my emotions and hitting roadblocks to clarity. I know weariness clouds my reasoning and judgement but can't seem to sleep enough to banish the lack of energy. Xanax and Ambien allow me about two hours of oblivion and then I'm awake to once again wrestle with the dark thoughts.
Sometimes the anger, the rage I feel frightens me......at those moments I want only to destroy anything and everything around me.....to kill whatever is within me that allows me to feel. Numbness seems to be the only path to coping.
Then grief takes over and i am once again drowning in a lake of self-recriminations.
However...........those times are growing further apart.......I am taking tiny though very difficult steps toward a clearer path. I will allow myself to grieve but will not allow myself to stand still and build a wall of pain around my life. I will see the rage for what it is...a natural part of my healing process.
There is a door at the end of the dark hallway I find myself in. I'm making my way toward it.....hoping that when I get to it I will have the courage to open it and find my way to myself.