Sense of Purpose and Self-Worth

As some of you know, the past several weeks have been difficult for me on so many levels....pain and depression dogging my steps daily. This past weekend I confessed to my daughter my sense of worthlessness, my feeling that my life lacked purpose.  And I did this knowing these feelings are coming from a darkness fed by my pain issues.....it isn't real or true or accurate.....there is just no strength within my self to fight it.

As so often happens when I find myself struggling with these issues, foundering in a once familiar dark place....God steps in and shines His Light so I can see more clearly. His encouragement comes in many forms....sometimes from people who aren't even aware that they are an instrument of God's Love. That has been the case the past week or so. Of course it took me a while to realize it....I can be thick headed at times.

The first incident took place during a discussion with a person whom I respect highly.  He was asking my feelings about changes he wanted to make in a film with which he is involved.  The reason he came to me was because, as he put it, "you're a writer and you would be able to tell if it makes sense." The fact that he considers me a "writer" sent a spark of happiness through me, because although I think of myself as a writer, it means something entirely different when someone else sees me as a writer!

Then yesterday a friend and former coworker dropped by school to see everyone.  We had the chance to visit over lunch which was really nice. She is a person I have always admired and respected.  In fact, I can remembering meeting her for the first time when she was my daughter's teacher and thinking how much I would enjoy having a friendship with her! Anyway, during the course of our visit yesterday, she mentioned that she enjoyed reading my 'ramblings." And being in the mood I've been in, I asked if she was saying that just because she was my friend or were my writings really any good?  She reassured me that the things I write about are enjoyable and encouraging....and that self same happy spark flared through me once more.

Because of the comments of two people whom I know in varying degrees, I felt my sense of purpose returning. God can use me just as He uses others....I am worthy of His love and in turn worthy to be His instrument.  Writing brings me such peace, such joy and knowing that God can also use it....well, that is just icing on the cake.

The Pleasures of Growing

What a long week! We had our annual testing marathon at school....the kids seemed relaxed and prepared.....the teachers seemed relieved for it all to be over.  Although we still have 9 official days left of this school year, plans are already in the works for the new school year!

I'm just ready for a break...some relaxation time....some mornings when I can sleep past 5 a.m. and slowly enjoy my morning coffee.  This summer I plan on doing lots of relaxing. However, I also want to do more writing....MoMe gave me a book about writing a novel which was put together by the people who do the Annual Novel Writing Month....and it has given me some great ways to organize my "novel" thoughts, so to speak.  Some of my time will be spent writing.  And some of my spare time will be spent developing my painting skills.....

My mural painting adventure is going rather well.  It has turned into a much bigger project than anticipated but I am having so much fun! I painted individual leaves for three solid hours and it felt like only moments...except for the fact, my feet were totally numb and I could hardly climb down off the scaffold.  There is still so much to do....But I can hardly wait. The funny thing is I have so many ideas in my head now....images to paint. And it doesn't even matter that I have no clue how to paint some of them....it will come to me.

It is so amazing to be my age....which according to my students ranges from 25(my favorite) to 87(not so favorite)....and still have the desire to learn new skills, have new adventures, travel to new places.  When I was oh so much younger, it would never have occurred to me that at my age I would feel this way.....but I do.  More importantly, I'm glad I do....because it means that my daily battles with pain have not slowed my desires to grow and learn and experience.....nor has it limited my belief that I can actually accomplish all these things!

It has been a long, somewhat stressful, and pain filled week.....but I have enjoyed it all.

Five Lessons

Wasn't sure whether to share this or not but thought, "why not? you've shared everything else?" So here goes.....

Several weeks ago I ventured out into the world of  "dating" for the first time since my divorce....thought I was ready...so accepted an invitation for coffee and a walk in the park.  It was nice. Several "dates" later......poof.....over.  I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt....perhaps more than I anticipated.

But I learned some things in the process.....1) the dating game is perhaps more difficult at my current age than it was when I was 15.....and it was no picnic then! 2) I found that I open my heart and trust too quickly which is 3) not wise!  As a result of past relationships, I thought I had my emotions and my feelings tightly locked away in a box with the key hidden in the dark recesses of my heart. Obviously not.

Then again...part of what makes me the person I am is the fact that I want to believe others are as accepting and loving and honest as I try to be. Locking away my heart isn't the answer...not really. Yes, it will keep hurt at bay but at the same time, it shuts out the possibilities of good things happening. Lesson 4) hurt and disappointment often walk hand in hand with love and caring. Doesn't seem I can have one without the other....so I have to choose whether the pain is worth it.

Now, the most important lesson I learned was 5) God is by my side through all situations.....even "dating." Who do you suppose held me as I wept my way through the feelings of rejection, hurt and disappointment? Yep....my God and Father.  Who whispered in my ear, "its going to be fine....I have a plan for you and this is just a bump in the road?" You got it......the God of Love and Grace. And in my tears I thanked Him again for that prayer warrior who called on Him to lift me out of darkness so many months ago. 

People aren't always what they seem......but I know from experience that God is and for me that is all that matters.

Praising God

My heart is so full! The week has been peppered with reminders of how much God cares about me.....unexpected blessings are the best, don't you think? I am so very thankful for life and all that it holds.......not just the smooth stretches but the bumpy bits as well.....really, I'm the most thankful for the bumpy bits.  Those tough painful times make even the tiniest of blessings magnificent...they grow and glow because they are come the source of all that is good ad perfect and loving....they come from the heart of God.

Of course I must share the shape and form some of these blessing took this week! Earlier in the week I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some prescriptions before heading in to work...love a 24 hour drive thru pharmacy! The prescription was for anti-inflammatory injections....16 doses and there was no charge for the syringes......usually I have to pay for them...so I said a prayer of thanks! If you've read my blog before you know I'm on a squeaky tight budget so free syringes deserve a cheer.

Then the pharmacist said my daily anti-inflammatory med wasn't ready because it was now available in generic form and that they had to order it. Yay!  Because I have to take so many meds I'm always hoping for generic. My best friend put it in very concrete terms when she said the difference between a copay for a non generic and a generic med is equal to half a tank of gas! So here was another blessing in a span of 15 minutes. I drove in to work with a huge smile on my face and gratitude in my heart. And I kept thinking of the Doxology which says, "praise God from whom all blessings flow."

Another blessing came the next day......I was walking to my third class of the day and frankly, I was struggling a bit....the pain making me wonder if I could get through the day. I heard someone call my name and turned to see one of my older students walking towards me. He said he'd been looking for me because he had something to tell me. I thought it was probably a message from another teacher but was surprised by what he said.

 This gangly, awkward young man then told me how much he appreciated the writing projects I'd done with his class. He said that the things I'd chosen to do had really touched his heart and helped him express stuff he'd been thinking about. He just wanted me to know....gave me a quick hug....and went back to class. Wow! You cannot know how much his unsolicited comment brightened my day.

Then there's today.....yep blessings, blessings, blessings. At our school we have a Social Fund managed by the Social Committee. The fund is used for buying flowers for people in the hospital, sympathy cards, you know the kind of stuff I'm talking about. The faculty and staff pay Social Dues every year to fund it all...the dues aren't exorbitant.....but for me, especially now, the dues are a lot. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. Then I remembered my emergency money. I keep a well folded ten dollar bill in my billfold "just in case."

I took that money and went to the office to pay my dues. The school secretary informed me that my dues had been paid. I said no I hadn't paid yet.....she insisted. Finally she took me into her office and said someone had paid my dues yesterday.....I cried. I found out who had done this kindness and thanked them and cried some more.....and thanked God for this precious person.....because I know God put the idea in the person's heart. I also know this person to be a humble servant and follower of God.

All day I felt this overwhelming sense of being loved and cared for.....and I know that I am. I may worry about being able to pay my bills....I may worry about how long I'll be able to continue working.....and of course I worry about the pain becoming worse and being unable to live the kind of life I want to live.................but in the long run I don't have to worry.....God has proven time and again that He will meet my needs.....He will take care of everything......I simply have to let Him do what He knows is best for me. 


Sounds like a good way to live, doesn't it?

Change of Plans

I had big plans for this 3 day weekend.....my best friend was coming in for the weekend and we were going to see a football game at the university which my youngest son attends. He also works as a videographer for the team....yes, I'm a proud mom! I was so looking forward to it.  Imagine my disappointment when a pain flare began early in the week and instead of fading managed to intensify. I held out hope until the last possible moment but finally had to call my son Friday and let him know because I knew he had to release the tickets in case some of the other filmers needed them.

I cried and cried.....it would have been my first chance to see Lewie since he left in July.....and I miss my boy....but I cried also because it was another reminder of how my life must be lived differently now. Pain and fatigue now dictate my schedule, my activities, everything. I now find myself seriously contemplating the kinds of jobs I can do based from home. If anyone has suggestions by all means, share them....I am open to any ideas.....within reason of course!

Despite being unable to make the trip to Auburn, my BFF was able to make a visit.  We laughed a lot....talked....commiserated....and generally had a good time.  We've been friends since we were in first grade which was a very, very long time ago.....I've often said she sometimes knows me better than I know myself! God blessed me richly when he placed her in my life. We discussed my health situation and came to the conclusion that God must be preparing me for something.....training me for something He has planned....or which He knows I must face. Doesn't matter....because I am willing to serve Him anyway He needs me.

MoMe (my BFF) thinks my writing will figure into it somehow....I hope so because writing has brought me much comfort through the years whether anyone else reads it or not. There was a time when my writing was 'taken' from me so to speak.....my private, intensely personal journals were read without my permission....my private thoughts were twisted and used to hurt me....it was as if I had been physically assaulted. At that time in my life when I needed the comfort of "talking" through the issues I was facing by writing.....I couldn't write a word. Talk about writer's block...sheesh! I thought I'd never feel free to express myself again.

Of course, MoMe stepped in and encouraged me to write at every opportunity.  She said she missed reading what I wrote.  So eventually I did begin to write again....only now my blog has taken the place of my journals.....and anyone can read my every thought.....nothing is too private or personal.  For one thing....God is the One who works through my 'issues' with me.....what is too personal or too private for anyone else to hear or read I whisper in God's ear......and He responds with the comfort I need.

Even though plans often change.....whether plans for a weekend or plans for life......I'm so thankful to have found that God's love is unchanging and always available.....because I have a feeling I'm going to need Him more now than ever.

Fatigue

I'm tired.....physically, mentally, emotionally. So tired that were someone to call and inform me I'd won an all expense paid trip to anywhere wonderful.....I'd have to say, "thank you so much but I'm too tired." 

Isn't that sad? To be too tired to even contemplate doing anything wonderful or fun or exciting....but that is how I am at this moment.  My hope is that the current state of affairs passes....and quickly. I can only suppose the fatigue is a result of the latest battle with pain.

My journey over the past four months has made me realize how glad I am to be living as a child of God....last year when I experienced these pain episodes and struggled with fatigue I would inevitably end up depressed and weeping.  Now, when I'm dragging myself between classes with my rolling crate of supplies and feel that I cannot possibly take another step.....cannot form a coherent  thought or sentence.......I stop....take a deep breath.....and simply open my heart and mind to the strength available to me through my God and Creator. He has not failed me...ever.

Just that one moment in His presence is enough. I was reminded today that God has promised never to put more on us than we can bear.....it occurs to me that this is true simply because God never expects us to bear anything without Him.......for that I am eternally thankful.

What A Day!

I don't usually do this....but my thoughts today are kind of tied to my last post. It's like this.....as I've mentioned before I struggle with fibromyalgia......was diagnosed years ago when there were still doctors  telling people their particular symptoms were "all in their head."  There isn't a day that goes by I don't have pain.....some days its easily managed because I'm so used to it being there.  Other days...not so much.  Some days it rears up like an angry fire breathing dragon refusing to be conquered or ignored. Such has been the case over the past couple of weeks.

Today the pain was a dragon. And I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day....not going to work isn't really an option anymore because I have NO sick days left....if I don't work I don't get paid. It would have been so easy to throw myself a good old fashioned "pity party".....and I almost did.  Then I remembered the song.

I had pulled into my parking place at work.....it was raining, of course....and I sat huddled in my seat trying to gather the strength to walk into the building.  I kind of muttered a prayer under my breath....something to the effect of , "help me God 'cause I just don't have it in me to do this." And then I thought of the song.

"This is the day the Lord hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it."

This rain soaked, pain filled day was made by God.....and I needed to "rejoice and be glad in it?" Have I mentioned that I sometimes have problems with this part?  As I made my way across the parking lot and into the school I did some thinking about how I was going to "rejoice" in this day. The first thought which popped into my frazzled brain was....."I am alive so thank you God for that."

I can rejoice because I have a job I love.....I can rejoice because the people I work with make our school a great place to be.....I can rejoice because I get to interact with children every day.....I can rejoice because I know what I do can make a difference in someone's life.....and the list went on.  Every time the pain threatened to overwhelm me I would "rejoice" about someone or something. It didn't matter.  The bottom line became, I am where I am because God has a plan......and His plan for me IS perfect.  Before I realized it, my day at work was done....I had made it through.

The pain is still with me.....but now I know I can "rejoice and be glad" through the pain!  The dragon hasn't been conquered...yet....but I have learned I can be joyful regardless of my physical state. Now, I think I will curl up in my chair and enjoy some "quiet time" with God.....I want to tell Him about my day....and say thank you once again.

Sorrow Into Joy

I spent several hours floating in the pool with nothing in particular on my mind.  Things would float through my head much in the same way the wispy white clouds traversed the clear blue sky above me. Positive thoughts I would turn over and examine much like a child with a shiny bauble in their hands.  Then I'd put that thought away and think about breathing.  Yes, breathing slowly and deeply....imagining the air filling my lungs....the oxygen moving into my cells.  It was so calming....soothing to the point of sleep.

But as so often happens when I relax my mind and my body, thoughts turn to memories.  Some are good and bring joy. Others not so much. Those memories bring pain in the form of regrets....of cruelties inflicted whether consciously or not.....of relationships shattered by lies....on and on until I stop the roll call of hurtful thoughts. And I do this in a way that brings instant calm to my mind and heart.

I begin to pray for and about each one as it rears its head poised to strike at the peace God has brought to me. As the prayer rises from my lips the potential pain wisps away like smoke and I know God will take the hurt and turn it into something good and true.  How glad I am to have found the way to turn my sorrow into joy!  How I wish I had found it sooner...but no....God's timing is perfect .  I received it when He knew I needed it most. God is good at that....and I'm so thankful He is.

Stay True

So much pain,
So much sorrow,
Endless waves
ebbing and flowing,
crashing, growing.
No consistancy,
No view of what's approaching.

Blinded by the need
to protect.
Blindsided by someone else's
idea of love.
Wearing blinders so as to
protect my heart from what
I might see.

Floating now in the darkness
of my own choosing.
Resting in the knowledge
that within the quiet darkness
I will see what is true.

I see beyond the pain
of now,
the sorrow of today,
the crushing betrayal
of those who use love as a weapon.

The waves,
pushing me,
polishing me,
tumbling me,
toward the future,
toward myself.
Forward,
to the me that was.

Me,
who will once again thrive,
live to fight,
to be true to myself.
Just to be is to
Stay true.