As some of you know, the past several weeks have been difficult for me on so many levels....pain and depression dogging my steps daily. This past weekend I confessed to my daughter my sense of worthlessness, my feeling that my life lacked purpose. And I did this knowing these feelings are coming from a darkness fed by my pain issues.....it isn't real or true or accurate.....there is just no strength within my self to fight it.
As so often happens when I find myself struggling with these issues, foundering in a once familiar dark place....God steps in and shines His Light so I can see more clearly. His encouragement comes in many forms....sometimes from people who aren't even aware that they are an instrument of God's Love. That has been the case the past week or so. Of course it took me a while to realize it....I can be thick headed at times.
The first incident took place during a discussion with a person whom I respect highly. He was asking my feelings about changes he wanted to make in a film with which he is involved. The reason he came to me was because, as he put it, "you're a writer and you would be able to tell if it makes sense." The fact that he considers me a "writer" sent a spark of happiness through me, because although I think of myself as a writer, it means something entirely different when someone else sees me as a writer!
Then yesterday a friend and former coworker dropped by school to see everyone. We had the chance to visit over lunch which was really nice. She is a person I have always admired and respected. In fact, I can remembering meeting her for the first time when she was my daughter's teacher and thinking how much I would enjoy having a friendship with her! Anyway, during the course of our visit yesterday, she mentioned that she enjoyed reading my 'ramblings." And being in the mood I've been in, I asked if she was saying that just because she was my friend or were my writings really any good? She reassured me that the things I write about are enjoyable and encouraging....and that self same happy spark flared through me once more.
Because of the comments of two people whom I know in varying degrees, I felt my sense of purpose returning. God can use me just as He uses others....I am worthy of His love and in turn worthy to be His instrument. Writing brings me such peace, such joy and knowing that God can also use it....well, that is just icing on the cake.