Change of Plans

I had big plans for this 3 day weekend.....my best friend was coming in for the weekend and we were going to see a football game at the university which my youngest son attends. He also works as a videographer for the team....yes, I'm a proud mom! I was so looking forward to it.  Imagine my disappointment when a pain flare began early in the week and instead of fading managed to intensify. I held out hope until the last possible moment but finally had to call my son Friday and let him know because I knew he had to release the tickets in case some of the other filmers needed them.

I cried and cried.....it would have been my first chance to see Lewie since he left in July.....and I miss my boy....but I cried also because it was another reminder of how my life must be lived differently now. Pain and fatigue now dictate my schedule, my activities, everything. I now find myself seriously contemplating the kinds of jobs I can do based from home. If anyone has suggestions by all means, share them....I am open to any ideas.....within reason of course!

Despite being unable to make the trip to Auburn, my BFF was able to make a visit.  We laughed a lot....talked....commiserated....and generally had a good time.  We've been friends since we were in first grade which was a very, very long time ago.....I've often said she sometimes knows me better than I know myself! God blessed me richly when he placed her in my life. We discussed my health situation and came to the conclusion that God must be preparing me for something.....training me for something He has planned....or which He knows I must face. Doesn't matter....because I am willing to serve Him anyway He needs me.

MoMe (my BFF) thinks my writing will figure into it somehow....I hope so because writing has brought me much comfort through the years whether anyone else reads it or not. There was a time when my writing was 'taken' from me so to speak.....my private, intensely personal journals were read without my permission....my private thoughts were twisted and used to hurt me....it was as if I had been physically assaulted. At that time in my life when I needed the comfort of "talking" through the issues I was facing by writing.....I couldn't write a word. Talk about writer's block...sheesh! I thought I'd never feel free to express myself again.

Of course, MoMe stepped in and encouraged me to write at every opportunity.  She said she missed reading what I wrote.  So eventually I did begin to write again....only now my blog has taken the place of my journals.....and anyone can read my every thought.....nothing is too private or personal.  For one thing....God is the One who works through my 'issues' with me.....what is too personal or too private for anyone else to hear or read I whisper in God's ear......and He responds with the comfort I need.

Even though plans often change.....whether plans for a weekend or plans for life......I'm so thankful to have found that God's love is unchanging and always available.....because I have a feeling I'm going to need Him more now than ever.

Fatigue

I'm tired.....physically, mentally, emotionally. So tired that were someone to call and inform me I'd won an all expense paid trip to anywhere wonderful.....I'd have to say, "thank you so much but I'm too tired." 

Isn't that sad? To be too tired to even contemplate doing anything wonderful or fun or exciting....but that is how I am at this moment.  My hope is that the current state of affairs passes....and quickly. I can only suppose the fatigue is a result of the latest battle with pain.

My journey over the past four months has made me realize how glad I am to be living as a child of God....last year when I experienced these pain episodes and struggled with fatigue I would inevitably end up depressed and weeping.  Now, when I'm dragging myself between classes with my rolling crate of supplies and feel that I cannot possibly take another step.....cannot form a coherent  thought or sentence.......I stop....take a deep breath.....and simply open my heart and mind to the strength available to me through my God and Creator. He has not failed me...ever.

Just that one moment in His presence is enough. I was reminded today that God has promised never to put more on us than we can bear.....it occurs to me that this is true simply because God never expects us to bear anything without Him.......for that I am eternally thankful.

What's Normal Anyway?

I sat on my porch for a while this evening and true to form my thoughts rambled from pillar to post as the saying goes.  Fatigue pulls at me. One thing about these bouts with pain is the exhaustion they leave behind.  One doesn't consciously think of how tiring it is to fight pain...but it is.  Depending on the duration...and the intensity of the pain episode.....it takes days to recover the energy one needs to just get through an ordinary day.....thankfully, this flare up is beginning to fade.  And now I try to regain some semblance of what is normal for me.

Back to sitting on the porch.....it was soothing for a while.....just sitting, watching the cars drive in and out of the complex. It can be quite busy with neighbors arriving home from wherever they've been....and sometimes leaving again.....the racket of children trying to get in those last few minutes of playing before supper and homework beckon.  The weather is still quite mild...leaning more toward warm than not......one of the things I still dislike about living in the South.....seasons sliding into one another with very little change in temperature.

As I said, my thoughts rambled.....that happens a lot when I'm not quite able to physically do what I'd like....my mind goes into overdrive......which many times leads to insomnia. Anyway.....tonight, on the porch I thought about...in no particular order, bulletin board ideas, Lewie away at school, Melissa killing a poisonous snake (which she did earlier this week,) Michael and his job search, my best friend, a variation on my yummy cheese wafer recipe, wanting to own a pair of cowboy boots, how I'd look as a red head and writing a book...oh yes, and how I wish I could travel more....to places I've never seen but would like to.....places like the coast of Maine,Yosemite,England,the San Diego Zoo...and those are just the things I remember.

All that being said......Though I realize I may not live long enough to do all the things I dream of doing, I plan on enjoying all the things I am able to do......more importantly, my desire is treat all those I meet with kindness and respect and to try in my own small way, to make this world a better place. Apparently for me, normal is have lots of crazy, rambling thoughts and ideas...and to write about them.