Have you ever had a thought which in its first appearance was distressing but over several days of pondering became more palatable? So it has been with me this week.
The thought? Never in my life have I ever held the top spot in the affections of anyone. Truly. Looking back....not to my parents who were always held prisoner by the needs of a sister bent on self destruction...not my grandparents who were always touting the successes of my cousins.......not my ex-husband who always put anything and everything above me....and our family......not my children who I think really don't know how to deal with the person I am. That realization saddened me....made me wonder......will there ever be anyone in my life who considers me important enough to elevate me to the #1 spot in their love, their desires, their affections? Sounds selfish doesn't it?
I'm certain that others feel this same way for whatever reason......and if they deal with it then so must I. My way will be to understand that the only person I want to please, need approval from...is ME. If I present my true self....my real strengths,...weaknesses...my perception of who I am and work to be the best I can for myself and no one else.........then we all win.
After thinking about it, considering it from many angles,....I think I've decided that I don't have to be in the top spot at all times.....it will be enough to one day....for a brief moment to know someone loves me enough to pick me first.......and then I will be content to share everything about me, about my life, my desires, my affections....and my wish will be to make that person know they are important enough to me....to pick first.