Usually the perpetual optimist, the past two weeks i've found myself teetering on the brink of pessimism! And it seemed to creep up on me unexpectedly.....one evening i found myself sitting in the darkening twilight with tears streaming down my face and wondering why. For the first time in a very long while it took me a long time to think of "something good".....and then all i could think was "I'm alive and breathing." That is a good thing....right?
Living alone for the first time in my life, taking care of everything by myself, preparing meals to eat alone.......i found myself drawing into myself, isolating myself from others, much as i had in the years preceeding my divorce. Why? Many reasons i think. Fear of revealing weaknesses, unwillingly to let the people i care about think i can't handle life, not wanting to burden them with worries about me and my life...........it is all about putting up walls, something i've always done without even being aware.......until i realize i'm locked behind the walls i built and none of them have gates!
Yes, the course i've chosen is difficult for me......but when i build walls i am shutting out blessings.....not just the ones that come from others but the ones for which i should be the conduit . My responsibilty....my "purpose" as Rick Warren calls it.....is to live my life, the life i have, to the very best of my ability, with the utmost joy.....so God's grace, God's peace, God's love, God's gifts are magnified and reflected in all i do.
The pessimism threatened because i had begun trying to take care of all those little problems on my own strength......and they began coming faster and faster, growing from a trickle to a torrent in no time........sapping my joy replacing it with the mind numbing fear, the question....."how will i make it?".........and God answered "one step at a time."
And my first step should always be toward the source of all comfort......i know from experience.....He is always there, right where i left Him.