Confession time.....for the first time ever, I'm not excited about school beginning....I know right?! Perhaps it is because of where I am emotionally, spiritually....but I definitely feel unsettled....like I need to be doing something else. What I should be doing is any one's guess! This week only teachers and staff are back in the swing of things, getting rooms ready, sorting textbooks, all that "housekeeping" kind of stuff......and I am miserable!
There is a knot of anger and resentment inside me that I am trying to dissolve. Those feelings are not helping me and only serve to make me unsuitable to be around. I do know from where those feelings stem however. At our school system's opening day ceremony all the principals introduce new staff. As I sat there, already somewhat depressed, I heard the names of THREE new English teachers announced....THREE. And I had not been called to interview for any of said jobs....in the system where I have worked for 16 years! It was a real slap in the face.
I have jumped through every hoop.....done extra work.....even worked early morning duty every single day for the school year.....developed a writing program......taught writing.....all for an aide's pay. And still, I'm passed over for teaching jobs. What am I doing wrong?
I know! I'm not trusting God to take care of me......not trusting that He knows where I need to be and what I need to be doing....right now. It is because I'm so impatient....I want things fixed now...I want that teaching job now....I want my book finished and published now....I want to lose 20 pounds now...but as we all know, life does not work that way. My new mantra is going to be, "good things come to those who wait." And I'm definitely going to have to put some concentrated effort in learning to wait. Not just for those "good things" to happen...but for wisdom and understanding to recognize the "good" when it doesn't exactly fit my definition.
As always, God has a perfect plan for me, for my life. I just have to continue to trust in Him. Its amazing that the knot of anger and resentment I had allowed to build up is slipping away....and I feel that peace only God can give welling up inside within my heart. Peace.....love....acceptance, all much better feelings to have and share, don't you agree?