Here we go....
It has been months since I last wrote. The reason? Nothing specific I think. Simply a change I was unprepared for coming at a time when I was least able to handle it. The funny thing was I had no idea how woefully unprepared I was. My faith has always stood me in good stead and as always I clung to the lifeline trusting in God has been to me. Unfortunately I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the morass of self pity in which I found myself.
Writing through my problems was how I dealt with a multitude of issues through the years going back to seventh grade. I wrote through teenage angst, through raising my children, through my health issues, through the aftermath of my divorce but not this. For I was afraid of what my ramblings might reveal about my feelings toward others and toward my self. And I did not want to share the bitterness I felt at that moment.
There were days when I sat at my computer staring at a blank screen wanting to write, to share, to expose what I was feeling. In the end I simply could not do it. Looking back it was probably for the best. Because of that heartfelt reticence I believe God was able to work a powerful healing of my spirit, my heart. In the past, writing and sharing helped me understand why I was feeling the emotions I felt. And in understanding why, I could move past it and get on with life.
The only way I could move past my hurt and my bitterness was to talk it through with God. He in His wisdom and His Love for me as one of His children, made me truly see those parts of me which needed to be changed. My first step in His healing process was to accept that the change in my situation was part of God's plan for my life. Honestly that acceptance was really hard. But after several months of prayer, God convinced me. Then I had to, at least in my heart, forgive the people whom I felt played a part in the upsetting of my apple cart. That was a doozy too. But I did it.
It has been a daily struggle and quite frankly, it will always be a struggle. How do I deal with the temptation to react with the same bitterness and anger I felt toward so many when I was transferred from a job, a school, the students I'd loved for 16 years? I say a very simple prayer, a mantra some would call it......"I only need You Lord, only You." Those words calm me, focus me, remind me of Whose child I am. And that knowledge feels so good.