I'm alone if only briefly and it feels great. I'm going through a weepy kind of phase I think....the tears just begin with no real provocation....sometimes I'm not even conscious of the fact I'm crying! How bizarre is that? But I think, just maybe, it is because there is so much hidden pain.....and one soul can only deal with so much before there has to be a release. Could that be possible?
Right now....I want to be in a place where no one knows me......a newcomer.....a new life with endless possibilities. Can that happen for me? I don't know....but I can dream, can't I?
Glacier National Park 2010
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2 comments:
I have been thinking about my life - the good things and the bad. Many years ago and not knowing what love was. Living through pain and finally waking up and saying I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. It was such a release.
But I remind myself - I have been so angry in my present situation that I thought I could never be happy again. I did work through it. I am happy. But it took a long time. I was so angry...
I wonder if there is such a thing as a perfect mate? I am fulfilled in so many ways, but in other ways I need more. Does it take more than one outlet to fill all those needs? Is that wrong? It really makes me think outside the box. Sometimes anger helps you see more clearly.
Another just thinking - does gray hair have to define you?
I feel stronger and more sure of myself than I did twenty years ago. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know that young girl I was then.
One day and innocent remark by a young child made me think differently about myself, doubt who I was (am). He said, "Ask the lady over there with the gray hair."
Now, look at me. I only have a little gray hair. Granted, it had to show up around my face in the front. It doesn't much show up in the back at all.
But does gray hair define me? Does it put me in a category? A category I don't want to be in? What if I give in, go against my beliefs? What if I dye my hair? Am I still secretly in that category anyway?
Then, another kid hugs me and lovingly looks in my eyes, "You smell just like my grandmother!" Maybe this category isn't so bad after all. (I hope grandmothers smell like chocolate chip cookies and flowers from the garden. And sweet memories...)
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