Some days I wake up and think, "I don't know if I can do it." Putting my feet on the floor and walking to the bathroom saps me and I know a pain flare is on its way. The way I deal with it has changed. There have been times in my past when I have simply crawled back under the covers and cried as I waited for the talons of pain from the "fibro fiend" to grip me. That doesn't happen as much anymore.
Today when I awoke it hurt to open my eyes and I thought, "oh crap!" But as I lay there,gathering strength, I decided "not today." I struggled up and began my getting ready routine. It was hard. I'm not going to lie. But here I sit at work, pretending it is all good. Maybe if I 'pretend' hard enough and long enough, the pain will pass. Maybe I can absorb all the laughter and smiles from my co-workers and students and it will cause a healing. Maybe I'll wake up one morning and all will be normal.....
But I cannot wait for normalcy....I have to create my own normal...A normal that includes bouts with pain and the sometimes accompanying depression... a normal which means not always being able to make long range plans because I never know how much energy will be available to me....a normal which means possibly no one to share my life with because of the stress living with health issues can put on a personal relationship. Those are the negatives in my normalcy....now lets talk about the positives.
In my normal I am thankful for every pain free moment.....I appreciate greatly every kindness shown to me....I have time to really pray for myself and others......I am learning new ways to express myself creatively....I have begun to put a greater value on the relationships I do have with others.....in my normal I have realized every moment is to be lived to its fullest potential not squandered in self-pity. That is something I can do no matter how much pain I'm in....there is always good to be discovered if I only look hard enough.