Ah Saturday! For some reason this week seemed like the longest first week of school ever! It wasn't a bad week but rather a busy and full week. Despite the physical strain on my still healing body, I thoroughly enjoyed myself....and can hardly wait for Monday! I know...I sound mental but I truly love where I work, the people with whom I work and the children that I teach. Although I haven't always appreciated and rejoiced in what a blessing this is.
Back in the Spring I had the opportunity to interview for a position in our school system which would have allowed me to teach in my actual field of certification which is English and Speech. In fact, there were three positions for which I interviewed. I was so excited because it isn't often that English teaching positions open up in our city system....I had the support and encouragement of my current principal and many friends and coworkers. Because I had been waiting for years for this opportunity to present itself and had prayed so specifically for a teaching job, I felt that God was saying, "here ya go...your dream job!"
My first interview went so well I just knew God had come through for me! Then I was offered an interview for another English position.....and my thought was "oh my now I'm going to have to choose between the two jobs." I know, I know.....how vain does that sound? But really what I meant was "God is more than answering my prayers!" I could hardly sleep for the week and a half it took for them to contact me about the first job.......which I did NOT get. Of course I was dejected.....but hey there was the other job I'd interviewed for, right?
I didn't get that job either....and I cried for several days about that as well. And I questioned God. Because of the spiritual and emotional desert I was in at that time, I couldn't understand what was wrong with me.....my self-esteem took a big hit and I really began to doubt myself and my abilities.
Then I got the call for another interview! I was so excited and berated myself for ever doubting that God was going to give me a teaching job I not only wanted but really needed financially. For those not in education, an instructional aide makes half of a teacher's pay regardless of the degrees one might possess.....and in our economy.....that does not go far!
As you might have already surmised...I didn't get that job either! That third "rejection" left me foundering in a whirlpool of doubt, depression and fear about the future. It was coupled with a sense of failure in my personal relationships.....and an anxiety about my physical health.....in short, I was a hot mess caught in a downward spiral. That descent continued until the prayerful intervention I wrote about in "Out of the Darkness."
Looking back I can see the hand of God in every event.....He was working for my good in every situation......it was my faith that was in question....and my desire to control my life, to think I knew what was best for me. I'm learning to let go. I'm working hard to let God shine in all areas of my life. When I worry about how I'm going to pay my bills each and every month....I remind myself that God has promised to take care of every need. I turn that particular fear into a hopeful anticipation of seeing God make miracles happen!
Meanwhile, I have the joy of working with people who bless me every day with their friendship....with an administrator who encourages me in the work I want to do with our students....with children who continuously amaze me with their resilience and their desire to make our world a better place. In Ecclesiastes 3:1 we read, "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven." Now is the time for me to be exactly where I am doing specifically what I am doing! Thank you God for showing me this truth!