I've spent the last couple of days contemplating what lies ahead. Sunday I was reminded that God is going to take care of everything. Does that mean that I will no longer have worries or sorrow or days when I wonder what is the point of it all? No. For me it means, that whatever is on my mind or heart, whatever pain or illness I must face, my God is with me.
You see, for so long I didn't think I was worthy of that kind of Love. That I had to prove myself by enduring the hardships, the sorrow, the loneliness, the illness. Finding out that I don't have to prove anything, that I just have to be who I am, was so liberating. If I feel the darkness trying to overwhelm me I literally cry out to God and tell Him everything I'm thinking and feeling. Then there is an almost physical sense of those dark thoughts being lifted into His Light where He takes care of them. And my mind is peaceful in the knowledge He is there.
I've been attending a wonderful church peopled with folks I don't know. Years ago I would have felt like an "outsider." But my anonymity has allowed me to worship and praise God in a way I've never before felt free to do. It is as if I am alone in the presence of God.....no one is around...the walls fall away....and I am there with the sole purpose of praising God and hearing what He has to say. For me it has been miraculous.
That is why I can face my biopsy tomorrow with a minimum of anxiety. Regardless of the outcome, I know God will be there. No matter what comes next, God will be there. My only response is to let Him....to lean on Him....to seek His peace....to be His servant.